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onceagainistandalone (profile) wrote,
on 11-17-2003 at 3:43pm
Subject: this is a .44 caliber love letter straight from my heart.
sometimes being here doesn't feel right.
its too structured..i miss the thrill of not knowing what was going to happen within the next hour.

And lately it seems like my paranoia is really getting to me.
3 days in a row i laid on that futon late at night almost crying because i felt like everyone was against me or they had some plan to cut me out..

why am i the faggot
why am i the bitch
why am i the one that everyone seems to make fun of
or call stupid
or ignore
or not try to understand
or listen

in Grand Rapids, i was doing everything for myself..i didn't try to please anyone but me.

Some people that i met or knew before may have gotten hurt in the process, which wasn't like me..because i honestly believe that i never try to hurt some one..and that "not trying to hurt someone" mentality came back when i came home..and its making me fucking insane..

im sorry that i just can't say mean shit, joking or not, to my best friends..

its driving me insane though..the paranoid thoughts..either i get my medicine back again and learn how to deal with it again, or leave again..

and once again..i don't know..nothing i ever think is conclusive..

thats why i can't write a god damn book.
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ifyouhadtoguess

12-04-03 7:54pm

I used to know you. I forgot about you and I left. Though, being on the internet, most probably thousands of miles apart, it wasn't a surprise nor was it hard to do.
I feel the desire to talk to you again, though I'm sure we both have changed.

I wrote a letter in this journal to you once. It said to the Matthew it may concern. I talked about my camera and emotions. It was full of shit. If that Matthew isn't you, then I'm sorry and I'll be on my way.
I'm not going to saything else that will sound remotely cheesey.

-Casey

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onceagainistandalone

Re:, 12-05-03 3:41pm

of course i remember my casey..ill send you an email, alot has happened.

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radioradiohead

12-10-03 1:26pm

...I still love you.

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