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2005 16 October :: 12.58 pm
my sister was telling me the other day that like a year and a half ago she felt restless with life and started praying for god to give her a kick in the ass..you know, something to move her on the next phase of her life. Just like that, she got pregnant with the most beautiful little girl i have ever seen.
yeah. thats what i need. not to get pregnant though.
i just feel like im doing nothing.
well its not really a feeling i guess, more like the truth.
anyway.
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2005 11 April :: 2.18 pm
fighting the battle of who could care less.
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry, but this is my private thing here. So..im going to make only visable to my friends.
Just trust me ok, I'm going to make it someday, I promise you.
Love,
Matthew James Hinton
--
so, thats that.
if you aren't on my list and want to be then leave a comment or something, cause after this the vault is closed.
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2005 11 April :: 11.16 am
the way i see it man
we all fucking win
we all make it big.
they might make a retrospective movie of our lives in our small home town..maybe even a Behind The Music special.
but.
as the road wears us we slowly lose touch, and become a happy band of lunatics. but our fans love us.
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 10 April :: 1.01 am
i can't sleep.
i can't stop thinking about like..everything.
i was in a daydream all day...and now when i try to sleep i just end up staring at whatever is directly in front of me. then i get uncomfertable, roll around about. repeat.
i really feel that i made a wrong decision in coming here.
not just because i lost my job or anything..whoop dee doo..thats number 5 in the past 8 months.
its like..i don't know..i stopped writing, stopped reading books, i don't play my guitar as much. its like i don't have heart anymore to do the things i love.
now i just smoke pot and watch tv, and it makes me very unhappy.
and don't fucking say im not trying. everytime i pick up that pen nothing comes and everytime i pick up that guitar i get so frustrated i just wanna break it cause im just stuck.
stuck in this fucking state this room this chair.
not like i thought it would be, definatley not worth everything i left.
i realize now that all my updates say basically the same thing.
goodybye.
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 9 April :: 8.24 pm
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene
probably going to go to southern california for a week or two.
take a break from the past four months of bullshit.
who knows what may come of it..id like to move there.
we shall see.
everything will change.
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 8 April :: 6.20 pm
there are many things in the wokrs right now
i don't know whats oing to happen in these coming weeks here.
several options to toss around the ol peanut.
to steal from a movie i like alot
she is the place i am headed.
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::
2005 6 April :: 6.37 am
sometimes i really feel that something is wrong with me.
i start work at 6 am, it is now 6:37, and here i am. fucking fired. because my stupid alarm clock was an hour slow.
why does this always happen
why can't i just work
hold a job
make steady money
its fucking depressing, its not like its hard to keep a job. everyone does it, but here i am..this is now my 5th job since september.
well fuck..i don't know
this jibbers everything up.
but now i have to go really get fired face to face, so yeah.
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 2 April :: 11.21 pm
helicopter blades
thump thump thump
fuck
when will there be something to do
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::
2005 29 March :: 12.06 pm
it seems that i have created a chain reaction of shitty events.
god i want to come home
i just want to come home..
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::
2005 29 March :: 10.16 am
fuck..
i don't know.
ask me later.
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 26 March :: 6.29 pm
i want to take you far from the cynics in this town, and kiss you on the mouth
fucking pedro the lion is going to be playing no less than 20 miles from me on monday
12 dollar tickets.
but you have to be over 21
sigh.
another day david, another day.
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 25 March :: 7.07 am
been thinkin alot today...
no not really
i just woke up.
no work today so thats bomb
these cool mornings are the best
when you are like shit its going to rain
then it doesn't and the sun comes out at like 2-3 o clock in the
afternoon
whatever..i still miss my snow dammit
i really like ben folds 5
yeah..
thats all i guess..sorry its all boring now.
(not that it wasn't boring before)
love,
matthew james hinton.
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::
2005 16 March :: 7.25 pm
i this update by writing about everything thats bad or worng. then i deleted it all.
but now i don't know what to say really.
its alot easier to write about the shitty stuff.
i just want to come home. but im used to that by now.
to whom it may concern:
i miss you.
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 14 March :: 7.17 pm
to my dearest troy
You're cold with disappointment
While I'm drowning in the next room
The last contagious victim of this plague between us
I'm sick with apprehension
I'm crippled from exhaustion
And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 12 March :: 4.20 pm
i said what i said that id tell ya
sometimes..
i just end up in these situations.
call it impulse..passion..whatever.
but it takes awhile before i realize i don't know what i've done.
or what i may have overlooked in process.
im sorry.
on an unrealted side note, my dryer sucks. laundry day takes all day. all day where i sit around in pajama pants unshowered because i have no clean clothes. it sucks.
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::
2005 12 March :: 11.14 am
sleeping makes my back hurt
i need a new bed
and a personal massesuse
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 9 March :: 7.21 pm
yep.
fell off a truck today.
sprained my ankle.
3 hours at the hospital because thats how hospitals are.
no work for a bit, and i can't afford that because they don't pay me for not being there
what can ya do.
please, for me, be safe when you are securing shovels in the back of a truck..because you never know when you are going to try and tighten a strap down only to find that its not hooked to anything and the vigor with which you tightend the strap propels backwards over the edge of the truck, causeing you to hit the edge and flip over the side five feet down to the pavement and sprain your ankle. so, in conclusion, its a dangerous world folks, so safety first, always check that your straps are securly fastened before you yank the shit out of them. thank you.
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 6 March :: 12.43 am
i post this for chuck and chuck alone. dammit.
the car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows
the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs
with the radio on and the curtains drawn
we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death
the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
it went like this:
the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair
the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze
i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
these are truly the last days"
you grabbed my hand and we fell into it
like a daydream or a fever
we woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
for sure it's the valley of death
i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood
--
the monolouge in the song The Dead Flag Blues by Godspeed You Black Emperor
love,
Matthew James Hinton
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::
2005 1 March :: 9.12 pm
i'm tired of living alone
i've just discovered alone
i feel uncoverd with you
i feel right here
i'm kind of silly i know
i'm not your lover although
i shouldn't bother
i fall for the deep clear
eyes blue
and you know
i'm in line with you here
i've tried to give you enough
i learned from living it rough
i think i know when i must
make myself clear
i'm tired of living alone
and discoverd alone
when i'm uncoverd with you
i feel right here
can't you see
i can fly
but i'm not free
careful you
all alone
clear blue clear
and if you see
i can fly
but i'm not free
it's kind of silly i know
i'm not your lover
although i shouldn't bother
i fall for the deep clear
i can fly through the clear blue
carefree,
dry my eyes in a cool breeze
can't you see i've a soul too
i sappose i really love you will
i'm in love with a lie still
and carefree
i can fly but i'm not free here
i can fly but i'm not free
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::
2005 26 February :: 1.02 am
i just don't know what to tell ya here chief..i'm fucked. they ask how i am and all i can say is im still breathing. i tried ignoring it all for her sake but somehow though we barely knew each other, she understands me better than most..or maybe she just puts up with me for some reason. can't be the sex cause there wasn't any. it was only 8 days too..it just boggles my mind sometimes but i prefer not to ask questions and just let this beautiful thing happen. she saw trhough my bullshit though. so i told it all to her, she didn't know what to say but thats beside the point..she wanted to know and that is what matters. i hope it all wroks out like i envision in my head..but those are for me and her only so fuck off if you want to know what i see.
these things..these life issues that one deals with, they wear on the soul..or maybe its just me. i really don't feel right when i work..it gives me no satisfaction of a job well done or any of that bullshit even though i try my hardest at it...it just feels like misdrected effort. i don't even really like being around people here. im scared im going to gain weight cause im a fuckin recluse. i don't want to end up with a job..honestly i think i would be happier in poverty cause money is just another worry..plus its evil. all i need is a bed and a guitar and a lover...thats all i really want too. oh yeah, and ciggarettes.
i don't know, we'll see how it all pans out.
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 24 February :: 7.16 pm
grandpa.
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::
2005 22 February :: 9.43 pm
hit me..
ok..anyways..
im just wondering what did i fuck up now..or what am i fucking up now? its always something..
i i want to fly t'roy out here in may or june..i need him. we will go see the mountains and the ocean.
i was driving the truck at work today by myself..just driving down the road, smoking a ciggarette..listeneing to sunday bloody sunday (which is like the only u2 song i like)..and i spaced out imaging i was driving east on i-80 towards michigan..it was nice..like 70 degrees today..i had the window down..i jsut didn't want to stop..so i "accidently" got lost and drove around for like 15 more minutes. i love my job.
i can't wait until thats really happening though..just me and the open road baby..so cliche but i don't even care..it will be fantastic..a voyage across the heartland..mm..i can taste it.
sleep.
love,
matthew james hinton.
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2005 21 February :: 4.29 pm
yesterday hunter s. thompson shot himself in the head.
it was a dark day for american journalism.
i will miss you my gonzo role model.
love,
matthew james hinton.
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::
2005 21 February :: 1.56 am
i have a live version of this song and it tears me apart when i listen to it..glass slipper by the dresden dolls. so much feeling in her voice.
--
no one's asking to go dancing its not like that anymore
its romantic if they mean it when they shut your fingers in the door
its a gory sort of story thats been told a hundred times before
it gets tricky dont be picky if the slipper fits you wear it whore
how many tips can i take home tonight without them getting mad
how many stitches do you think it takes to fix a cut that bad
how many minutes until midnight and you get your eyesight back
not to knock it i've been off it never moving very much at once
its been awkward i still offer it when its that time of
other girls shower but i give out flowers
to curious strangers who throw dollars at my feet
how many crimes can i try spotting dry before it leaves a stain
how many times say that i love you til it doesnt mean a thing
how many fittings must i sit through with my big feet blistering
how many strips until it hits me and my big mouth strikes again
i'm not asking to go dancing i'm not that dumb anymore
its exhausting to keep smiling when your toes are bleeding through the floor
its a gory sort of story thats been told a million times before
don't be sorry just ignore me because honestly
i'm too sore from fitting exactly to ride into setting suns aching to
stand on my own two feet
how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends
how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again
how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind
how many happy endings do you need to change your fucking mind
and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and
you see that i was never the right size?
--
beautiful...like someone i know.
love,
matthew james hinton
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::
2005 20 February :: 6.41 pm
i think there is too much sealab in my life.
i was watching it just a little bit ago..the same episode on repeat, and i fell asleep..more like half asleep.
then i was having weird half dreams about the episode..like i could hear all the dialouge going on, but the episode was different in my head. i don't know..its hard to explain. needless to say im dreaming about a fucking tv show so that is weird.
no work tomorrow thank you very much presidents day.
i go to a funeral for my great grandpa on thursday..should be interesting to say the least.
california is supposed to be all big and fast..well it is..so much so that i can't even jump in and find something to do.
i just want to come home.
its getting faster moving faster now
getting out of hand
on the tenth floor down the back stairs
into no mans land
lives are flashing cars are crashing
getting frequent now
i've got the spirit leaves a feeling
let it out somehow
what means to you what means to me
and we will meet again
i'm watching you i watch it all
i take no pity from your friends
who is right and who can tell and
who gives a damn right now
till the spiritly sensation takes hold
then you know
I've the spirit
but losing feeling.
woo..go joy division.
yeah..i just can't wait to be in my poor cold white trash infested hell hole of a home town...but i won't be living there anyways..just get an apartment in gr somewhere or something..
it will be good.
hmm..
love,
matthew james hinton
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2005 19 February :: 7.25 pm
"Did they tell you why, Marco? Why they want to terminate my command?"
"They told me that you had gone totally insane, sir. And that your methods were..unsound"
"Are my methods..unsound?"
"I don't see any method at all, sir."
"Are you an assassin?"
"I'm a soldier, sir."
"You're niether. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect the bill...so wet willy for you!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
--
I wonder in how many homes tonight people will bitch with good reason about the corruption of our world.
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::
2005 17 February :: 8.56 pm
i drove alot today. pretty boring, but it all pays the same.
joy division rocks..so do the happy mondays.
my great grandpa has moved on to a greater place. i am sad he is gone, but i am happy that he will be...you know what im trying to say right? i just can't get the words together at the moment.
um..yeah..thats all i really have to say.
love will tear us apart again.
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::
2005 15 February :: 9.15 pm
I AM A LOVER.
it is what i can't say.
because the feeling cannot be described.
i think its close to heaven.
i have deep conversations with a fat mexican named albert all day.
no one listens to him.
i do though.
i like to listen instead of making crude referances to homosexualtiy like everyone else i work with.
serioulsy, for a bunch of married guys they sure are gay.
i was waist deep in mud. in the rain. in a 6 foot deep hole. for 3 hours.
but i think this is the best job ihave ever had.
me and albert talked about phil collins and the doobie brothers today. and amusment parks.
then he got pissed off at the cement mixer and made me push back into place because he couldn't back it up with the truck.
i didn't mind though, i don't like it when he gets pissed off because pissed off mexicans are a little scary.
this other guy named mike reminds me of a school bully.
he was in desert storm, and he was a combat specialist.
so im pretty sure hes killed a good number of people.
he scares even when he isn't mad..the crazy fuck.
you were born in KC, Missouri.
to a girl who wasn't married.
after your birth she brought you to the nursery.
kissed your head and told you not to worry.
and then quietly, she turned
and slipped
away.
thats pedro the lion..good song. (June 18th, 1976 is the name of it)
ok..she is doing the ".." thing on AIM SO I GUESS I HAVE TO GO...I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. YEAH THATS RIGHT SMILE IT UP.
haha im joking i love you.
love,
matthew james hinton.
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::
2005 13 February :: 6.47 pm
oh my god.
i finally have the internet at the house..its about fucking time..so..yeah.
i do construction for the city of roseville water department..its hard work..but its alot of fun actually. i get to drive big trucks..but more importantly....
I GET TO DRIVE A MOTHER FUCKING BACKHOE!!!
thats right..im operating heavy equipment. the feeling of power one gets from it is, in a word (or two) absolutely glorious..
i've been working there one week so for and i think im really going to like it..but yeah..thats all for now. i'll catch you cats on the flipside.
love,
matthew james hinton
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