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| sumgrlzrkrazie (profile) wrote, on 12-11-2003 at 4:39pm | |
| Current mood: confused Music: The Fire Theft~Its Over Subject: Entry from GJ |
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| Just around 4 years ago my Mom-Mom( my mothers mother ) lol, was diagnosed with AIDS. I hadn't seen her then in around 10 years. Every christmas I think about how, I have family out there, they I never get to see. I mean there is good reasoning for my sisters and I not seeing her. My grandmother was a alcoholic drug user. She contracted AIDS from a former boyfriend through a contimated needle containing herion. Which from the age of 6-8 ( that I can remember ) it was her drug of choice. I remember sitting in a tube in her pool, and her and douche bag would go up on the deck and shoot up, while she was baby sitting. My point in this is, its Christmas time, and everytime a birthday goes past or another Christmas, I think about her. I think, is she still alive ? She beat my mother pretty badly when she was growing up, she kicked her out at 16 and she moved into my fathers parents house. My mother was 16, a full time student working three jobs. With no car, walking everywhere she worked. My grandmother was a bitch to her. She beat the shit out of her with a baseball bat. She chased her with a rifle in the front yard. The woman was a alcoholic lunatic. My blood grandfather( gramps ), he I havn't seen seen since I was about 10-12. My mother and father had just divorced, and she was moving into her new place, it was xmas, I remember this only bc his house was beatifully decorated, and I remember opening a gift. He gave my mom a shitty ass kmart silverware set, a man that hasn't been there as a father to her for nearly 25 years and he gets her that, douchebag. Then he gave me and my sisters each a gift, the only I have ever gotten from him in my life. My present was addressed to "Lou Anne" Clearly, not my fuckin name, my sister Juliana's was to " Julia" and my sister Stefanis had her name but spelled totally wrong. We all got Barbie's. Like shitty barbies, not even nice ones. I just remember thinking, this man isnt my grandpa. He was rich, he wouldnt help my mother with a thing. Just for a brief fill in, my Gramps remarried after him and my MomMom divorced, to a woman named Elsie Fauckenburg, for those of you who dont know, she is Diamond Dallas Paige's mom. Paige Faukenburg. Yep, hes my douche step uncle. Never met the man, but from stories I heard from my mom, I dont want to. Anyway, since the last time I saw my gramps hes had two triple bipass surgeries. I honestly feel in my heart that hes dead. I've had dreams of him in a coffin. Its just all soo sad to me. These two ppl, they created my mother, my mother and father created me, and they have not been a part of my life. When I think of how I have seen close friends suffer and die from AIDS before, I think of my MomMom. I mean, would I cry if she died ? Would I even recognize her. It's so hard for me. I am such a family person. I have no family from my mothers side. I dont talk to my grandparents, one uncle, who lived w my dad and us growin up, moved to Fl a few years ago, I havnt heard from him since. THe other uncle who used to live w my mom and I, who has a daughter, my only cousin from my moms side, hes a rotten fuckin sob and I hate him, if I never see him again I would live a happy life, hes my moms half brother and hes a fuckin scumbag, anyone man that hits a woman is a scumbag pussy, then theres my uncle phil, the person I was closest to in my entire family. He got me into music. He was my best friend. He took me too my first real concert. Silverchair, December 13 1996 Stony Pony. I cried whne he gave me the tickets. I have met soo many ppl through him. My two favorites are Art from Everclear and Saffron From Republica. But uncle phil, I saw him last about 3 years ago. He came to see me at work at macys w his new gf who was 20, same as me, he was almost 40. I love my uncle phil. I learned alot from him. Hes a recovering drug addict alcohilic and when I went into treatment at 15 hes waht really saved me. I mean, hes been through an open heart surgery and surived. Stayed clean for years now. I fuckin wish I knew how he was. What he was up to. I have his address, dont know if he still lives there. But I would really like to see him. I miss having a family. I dont like getting older, when you get older ppl pass away, friends drift, and so does family. I am so sick of change, I want my old life back. Everything just sucks right now. The boy I love, hasnt loved me for over ayear, but yet were still more than friends, I dream of the day he tells me he loves me again, but thats me fuckin kidding hte shit outta myself. Bc it will nver happen. Happiness doesnt come to girls like me anymore. I dont know why I am typing this, why I am letting everyone into this other side of me. Maybe this is me showing how scared I am right now. I guess its hard. I really needta go back into therapy. Big time. For some reason over the last two years, I remembered stuff thath happned to me as a child. When I was 8 or9 my babysitter used to play house with me, she was like 12, I remembre she would call my sisters bedroom closet our bedroom. We would go in there and she would touch me and kiss my neck. I never thought about it until I saw her sister one day. Shes the secretary at my gyno, that instant it all came back to me. I dont have the heart to tell my parents. They would all read into as the reason that I dated girls for most of high school. I feel so emotional right now. This is all happening bc I am getting my friend. I always do this. Overthink things, get upset, cry a million tears. This needs to stop. Its making me feel weak. |
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piinkishness | =(, 12-12-03 11:08am awww leanne its otay! crying is good for you. I always love to cry every now and then. Its not about making yourself upset its just realizing the truth. mwaaaah
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sumgrlzrkrazie | Re: =(, 12-12-03 11:29am It's like this...am I a bad grandaughter if I don't feel sorry, am I a bad daughter if I do? It's a complicated situation, and no one speaks of her, we havnt for years, I just don't know where to go with this one. Should I be the one to look for my family, I am the child in the situation, shoudlnt they try to find me ? or am I being naive? |