Ever feel like your walking around in a souless body?
I dunno whats wrong with me, but I dont feel right today. Not in a emotional way either, like in a physical way. I feel, distant. I really can't explain it. I am super psyched about gettin to hang out w new ppl next Weds. It's goin to be a shit load of fun. Last nite I talked to Eric. I guess I am kinda a basket case this week, he really was tired and I couldnt really get him to talk. Which is fine. I am realizing how much alot of my friends, like friends from back in the day that I have known for years don't give a flying fuck about me. Only three of my friends have come to see my new place...Eric, Patchy(Eric) and Jill(who flew from Miami) and have any of them even called me lately, NO. Lisa is the only one who has a reason, she has a 3month old infant. Two people havnt called me in MONTHS!!!!! So, as of this weekend, I decided, fuck em. I am done playin those games. I was done with it years ago. Have I mentioned that I hate NJ for not sending me my tax return yet ? Yea bc I do. I sent it 6 weeks ago, and when I called yesterday they told me to call if I dont have it by June 5th!! WTF IS THAT SHIT ?!?! I want my damn money. Today I get to call and argue with my old apt complex over my money for the 45466546545121546546 time since last March. I just want my $60 what the big fuckin deal with that ? I lost my Yellowcard CD. Which upsets me highly. I am poor, therefore I can't afford a new one till next month. So if anyone has it, and wants to be my best friend, burn it for me and I will love you FOREVER!!!!!!! Otherwise, back to work, sigh. Its goin to be LOVELY out today, here I am locked up in this, prison cell, I mean office. This rain shit better disappear from the forecast, I cant take rain, I need sunshine!!!

Did anyone else ball there eyes out watchin the Finale of The O.C. last nite ?? Because seriously, balling, lost it, totally. How could Ryan leave ? Why does he automatically think that this is his baby...I wouldn't be so trusting of Theresa if I was him. I mean cmon, Eddie hits her, she comes back to start crap, now she tearing Ryan and Marissa apart. I just really beleive that this is Eddie's baby. Damnit, and where the hell is Seth going ?? I want it to be fall grrr.

Fashion DON'T!!!

Amber, Amber, what were we thinking. Poor Amber, in recent months that she has attended award shows, she always looks, HORRID. What happened to the most adorable Emily we all loved, perhaps Joan is goin for the TRAGIC look. Who knows. All I know is I need a A day of shopping in the village with this girl, to get her out of her , I found it at the Thrift Shop look.
Or it could be so horrible that she looks like she can't even fill the dress.

Amber made quite a improvement here. I love this dress. I am not too fond of the puff that it has too it, but its much better than the others



Ok, enough fashion journalist Leanne lol.

I am in love with this man. Ben Jelen, please marry me?

Seriously, since I am in Journalist mode already. What the FUCK has gotten into Courtney Love lately ? I mean, seriously bitch, you're trash, the kind of trash the homeless won't even pick through, so STOP TRYING TO PLAY DREW BARRYMORE. You'll never be good enough for that role honey. Plus, who would won't to see those ta-ta's. Bitches probably sag down to the knees. Then, get so intoxicated and get onstage and throw a mic stand and someone and physically injure them. Yea bitch, your gonna get Francis Bean back, in your fuckin dillusional dreams.
I admire Courtney as a ARTIST. As a human being, the world could use a lot less of her.
Maybe its anomosity. Bc I seriously STILL blaim the bitch for Kurt's death.

Anyway, I just ate fridays and I'm dying. Ate way toooo much.

I miss Eric soooooo much, tomorrow is Friday !!! He comes home SATURDAY!!!!!!!! Plus, tomorrow is a BUSY day. Work 9-6, go tanning 610-630. Go home, eat a small dinner, shower, get ready. Go to Sawmill to see Ants Marching with Mah Dukes. Drink beers. Come home, go to sleep. Wake up, go garage sale shopping. Go to the gym. By then, he should be on a plane home. Yay!!! I can't wait to kiss his face. He hasn't returned my text messages since he called me. But I dont think hes getting them for some reason. I hope everything is ok. I think maybe tonight I will call him. He promised to send me pictures. He has a camera phone, I just want one of the beach. MTV gets down there today and starts filming tomorrow. This makes me more nervous than ever. Ugh. Ross is all about meeting whores and getting STDS. He corrupts Erics mind. That fucker. Whatever. I am nixing the suprise bday party deal, I remembered him talking about having plans. So maybe one night that week I will go up and do something nice for him. Maybe if I take my extra paycheck from April I could get him a new bass. Haha, yea right. I am always getting him amazing presents, he always getting me no bday presents. So maybe I'll send him a card, just like he did me. One of two bdays. First bday I got SHIT!

Ok, I think I am done bitching lol. Or maybe I just started and this is goin to ruin the rest of my day. I really just want to go home and sleep. I just dont feel well.

Ok, Elijah need to marry me too. This boys eyes are sooo dreamy lol

One of the biggest things I am ever gonna do
Have I mentioned here that I am getting my headshots done Sunday and that I am entering a contest to be a model for Lane Bryant ? Winner gets a $25000 contract with Fords12+ agency. I've always felt that if I had the body( minus my boobs, they are the only thing that fits the modelesq image) I would model. I've always been told that I am photogenic. It is rare to get a bad picture of me. Its something I take pride in. I dont take pride in very much. But if all else fails me atleast I will always know I have a pretty face. This is something I have always dreamed of, and for once in my life I am goin after something with no expectations and no fear. I can do this. I am sure being a model isnt as wonderful and candy coated as it may seem at times. But, shit free clothes, free shoes, free makeup, free trips to Milan and Paris and Islands, yea I could live like that for a while. LOL. Lets pray my shoot goes well on Sunday. I know it will bc Lisa, one of my dearest friends, who is a photographer at a portrait studio, is doin my shots for me. Shes done some of my favorite photos of me, ie my userpic.

Am I totally crazy to do this ?
Besides singing in a rock band, ie no doubt, save ferris, dance hall crashers stuff like that, this is my next dream. Well besides being a promoter for Flower Films, Drew Barrymores Production Company, this is probably it. Well I would also LOVE to right for Rolling Stone. But a girl can have alot of dreams, thats kinda the point of living. To follow them all and have all these wonderful memories in the process. Eh...

I got such cute earrings at H&M last nite. They are soooooooo 80's. Love it.

Babblings of boredum
Like I said, pointless pointless. I dunno, just a hello to like the maybe two friends I have that have a woohu journal lol. Jill, post a comment with the dates you will be here, this way I can mark it on my calenedar at work and we can all plan a day to do something, I will take the day off or something.

Ok whats up with me not being able to take this cd out of my cd player lately. It makes me feel like driving with my windows down, with my hair blowing around singing my brains out. Seriously, why did Showoff break up ???? I fuckin love this band. Fuck that, I only got to see them two times. Sucks sucks sucks sucks. So yea, guess who had too many beers last night ? Last nite we are in Fridays, and Simple Plan comes on, and guess who coudlnt remember the lead singers name ? Yea me. Fuckin Pierre, Leanne you dip shit. Honestly, sooooo lame. I lose points for that shit. But I gain points for listenting to Showoff right now lol. I also gain points bc I am goin to Skate and Surf and guess who got added to the bill for Sunday >>>?!??!?!? Fuckin HIM!!!!!!!! WTF VILLE VALLO!!!! Motherfuckin yea, I am so gonna fall in love the second his mouth opens and his voice serenades me. Sigh. April come sooner please, thank you.
Whatever see what I mean. Pointless shit.

Sweet shit right here
WOW!!!! I can use woohu from work. Its my only journal and or site that I can go to from here. Expect many stupid pointless updates in the future. Pretty much containing me bitching about how I hate my job and my life lol. I also hate this 30 degree rainy weather, calling for snow showers tonite, in fuckin MARCH! Mother nature, get the FUCK with it. That is all for now, I have about 25 mins left in this hell hole and I have some more stuff to do. Um, yes also, tonite should be fun, Andrew and I are goin to sit on couches and pick out one for the new apartment. Jill I have to show it to you, its goin to me soo amazing, we can have a sleep over when you visit, I have 3 bathrooms, three floors, its soooooo nice. Whats up balcony margarita parties lol. <3 kiddos

Entry from GJ
Just around 4 years ago my Mom-Mom( my mothers mother ) lol, was diagnosed with AIDS. I hadn't seen her then in around 10 years. Every christmas I think about how, I have family out there, they I never get to see. I mean there is good reasoning for my sisters and I not seeing her. My grandmother was a alcoholic drug user. She contracted AIDS from a former boyfriend through a contimated needle containing herion. Which from the age of 6-8 ( that I can remember ) it was her drug of choice. I remember sitting in a tube in her pool, and her and douche bag would go up on the deck and shoot up, while she was baby sitting. My point in this is, its Christmas time, and everytime a birthday goes past or another Christmas, I think about her. I think, is she still alive ? She beat my mother pretty badly when she was growing up, she kicked her out at 16 and she moved into my fathers parents house. My mother was 16, a full time student working three jobs. With no car, walking everywhere she worked. My grandmother was a bitch to her. She beat the shit out of her with a baseball bat. She chased her with a rifle in the front yard. The woman was a alcoholic lunatic. My blood grandfather( gramps ), he I havn't seen seen since I was about 10-12. My mother and father had just divorced, and she was moving into her new place, it was xmas, I remember this only bc his house was beatifully decorated, and I remember opening a gift. He gave my mom a shitty ass kmart silverware set, a man that hasn't been there as a father to her for nearly 25 years and he gets her that, douchebag. Then he gave me and my sisters each a gift, the only I have ever gotten from him in my life. My present was addressed to "Lou Anne" Clearly, not my fuckin name, my sister Juliana's was to " Julia" and my sister Stefanis had her name but spelled totally wrong. We all got Barbie's. Like shitty barbies, not even nice ones. I just remember thinking, this man isnt my grandpa. He was rich, he wouldnt help my mother with a thing. Just for a brief fill in, my Gramps remarried after him and my MomMom divorced, to a woman named Elsie Fauckenburg, for those of you who dont know, she is Diamond Dallas Paige's mom. Paige Faukenburg. Yep, hes my douche step uncle. Never met the man, but from stories I heard from my mom, I dont want to. Anyway, since the last time I saw my gramps hes had two triple bipass surgeries. I honestly feel in my heart that hes dead. I've had dreams of him in a coffin. Its just all soo sad to me. These two ppl, they created my mother, my mother and father created me, and they have not been a part of my life. When I think of how I have seen close friends suffer and die from AIDS before, I think of my MomMom. I mean, would I cry if she died ? Would I even recognize her. It's so hard for me. I am such a family person. I have no family from my mothers side. I dont talk to my grandparents, one uncle, who lived w my dad and us growin up, moved to Fl a few years ago, I havnt heard from him since. THe other uncle who used to live w my mom and I, who has a daughter, my only cousin from my moms side, hes a rotten fuckin sob and I hate him, if I never see him again I would live a happy life, hes my moms half brother and hes a fuckin scumbag, anyone man that hits a woman is a scumbag pussy, then theres my uncle phil, the person I was closest to in my entire family. He got me into music. He was my best friend. He took me too my first real concert. Silverchair, December 13 1996 Stony Pony. I cried whne he gave me the tickets. I have met soo many ppl through him. My two favorites are Art from Everclear and Saffron From Republica. But uncle phil, I saw him last about 3 years ago. He came to see me at work at macys w his new gf who was 20, same as me, he was almost 40. I love my uncle phil. I learned alot from him. Hes a recovering drug addict alcohilic and when I went into treatment at 15 hes waht really saved me. I mean, hes been through an open heart surgery and surived. Stayed clean for years now. I fuckin wish I knew how he was. What he was up to. I have his address, dont know if he still lives there. But I would really like to see him. I miss having a family. I dont like getting older, when you get older ppl pass away, friends drift, and so does family. I am so sick of change, I want my old life back. Everything just sucks right now. The boy I love, hasnt loved me for over ayear, but yet were still more than friends, I dream of the day he tells me he loves me again, but thats me fuckin kidding hte shit outta myself. Bc it will nver happen. Happiness doesnt come to girls like me anymore. I dont know why I am typing this, why I am letting everyone into this other side of me. Maybe this is me showing how scared I am right now. I guess its hard. I really needta go back into therapy. Big time. For some reason over the last two years, I remembered stuff thath happned to me as a child. When I was 8 or9 my babysitter used to play house with me, she was like 12, I remembre she would call my sisters bedroom closet our bedroom. We would go in there and she would touch me and kiss my neck. I never thought about it until I saw her sister one day. Shes the secretary at my gyno, that instant it all came back to me. I dont have the heart to tell my parents. They would all read into as the reason that I dated girls for most of high school. I feel so emotional right now. This is all happening bc I am getting my friend. I always do this. Overthink things, get upset, cry a million tears. This needs to stop. Its making me feel weak.

This is for Jill
So yea, not much has been goin on. I am swamped at work right now. But the best part of my weekend was gettin to see my best friend Lisa who is currently 7 mnths pregnant.

I am soo excited about this, you have no idea!
A much better update later!
PS I got my xmas tree today, woohoo

I know I know I owe woohu like 24545623154 entries. but this one has pix so deal=)
Yea. Yesterday I was just in this horrible mood and it appeared that as the day progressed it just got worse and worse. Work sucked but it always does so whatever. Now the bad day is already starting. We are supposed to have a "company meeting" Monday where big decisions and announcements will be made, but yet again it has been postponed for a 4th time. All I know that the Wednesday after next is my two year and I better get a decent raise or I am out. I can't live off the shit they pay me anymore, not w living on my own. So yea the only good part to my day last nite was goin to Dad's softball game and hanging out with Kalhie. I love my lil sister to fukin death. Honest to god. You will see why shortly. Then, I went home and came online, got my laundry together and went to my Mom's to do laundry. I love my puppies. They are so cute. My other sister is a fukin douche. She is treating my Mom like shit, so I called her out on it after the 21532451 harrassing phone call for her to not come home. Ugg..drama...why is there always sooo much fukin drama?? Then I came home and Maura was like let's go out. She offered to buy me a beer so I was like ok let me get ready. So somewhere along the line I sat on my glasses and broke the arm off. I hope they can fix them for hella cheap bc I am broke as anything and I can't spend money bc I don't know what the outcome of my dr appt Tuesday will be. Mega hot boy across the bar from us at Friday's. I wanted to fold him up, put him in my pocket and take him home w me. Then we hit up OQ. Adam Kaz and Keith were there. Said Hi to them ate our food then left. I uploaded my pix and now I am here to post them. I am sure I am forgetting the other 5million things that went wrong w yesterday or this whole week infact. All I know is that I have had PMS for like almost 4 weeks straight now and I have yet to get my lil friend. I know I am not Pregnant. Thus the reason I have to go see the Dr. Which just sux. No body likes to have to go there. Boo.
Try not to be too jealous that I have the cutest sister EVER
Honestly how adorable is she

This one looks like it belongs on the front of a greeting card

Me being fukin stupid last nite


Aww, my Boo poster rox


I guess that is it for now. Pray for me that they can either just replace the arm on my glasses or get me the same frames for cheaper and just change out the lenses. These glasses are only like a year and a month old. I got them last July I beleive when Eric & I went to go see JimmyEatWorld. I am wearing my old ones right now and they are just hidiously tooo big for my face now. Fuck, who puts glasses down on their chair??? Honestly,someone punch me in the face, how could I be so dumb>>???
THIS IS FOR JILL~~~YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO SEE THIS ENTRY HERE AS THEN LIVEJOURNAL~~HOW FUKIN ADORABLE HAS KALHIE GOTTEN? I MISS YOU !!!!ME AND MY FRIEND WHO USED TO LIVE IN MIAMI ARE TALKING ABOUT DRIVING DOWN IN OCT,YOU DOWN?