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| kiwi (profile) wrote, on 2-13-2004 at 7:36pm | |
| Current mood: discontent Subject: Rebel vs. intellectual |
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| So whenever i listen to a song like numb or perfect and it's saying how like someone is smothering you i really relalte to it. ANd i ahd no idea why. I mean i have great parents and they are really understanding and have good standrards for me. So i couldn't figure out why i releted to these songs. Then i figured it out. My parents aren't the ones disapporving or smothering me. It's myself. I want to be perfect in everything i do. Get great grades, be good at sports, all these things. But deep in my heart i want to be one of those kids who does nothing, doesn't care, and loves it. I don't want to give a f***. I want to make sure i do everything perfectly, and everytime i do something bad i beat myself up, though i'm getting better at only doing it about something i care. I think that was a bad descion, or i should be doing something productive. I want to be two different people, because these two sides jsut clash to much. Why can't i just be one. But it's impossible, there is no happy medium and giving up either side is two hard. I have this war raging inside adn no one will ever win. And i can't blaence it because they aren't even perfect opposites they are just different. And i feel like crying because since they are so different it's hard to decide what to do. I go out and be productive i want to be home sleeping. Sleeping adn lounging i try to be productive. And i just can't be both at the same time. Is this some disease, because if it is i want meds, i don't want to relete to these songs anymore, i want ot be blissful. Ignorant. whatever. Even being a memeber of stoners united would be better than being like this, because with me there is no right way, adn being happy with myself doesn't last long enough. Maybe one day i will find a way to merge them... why isn't that today? |
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fadingintoblue | 02-17-04 8:36pm you can't be perfect (i've tried), but you can still be "good" and slack off sometimes. really. sorry if that wasn't helpful, i hope things start to make more sense soon (would it help if i told you i have a similar entry in my journal from when i was 13? or would that just be annoying?) |