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lifesuxsodanz (profile) wrote,
on 3-31-2004 at 7:08pm
im in a bad bad place right now...i havnt been this depressed in a very long time and no it is not because of anyone or any specific thing it is simply because i hate myself so intensely that i can't stand to exist within my own skin. I want to just crawl out of myself and get as far away from me as possible. Each time i open my eyes I hate sight and senses and i want to hide in the dark where I don't have to look at everything...I don't want to see all the colors.

I wanted to cry today when I heard my mom talking about my aunts unborn baby because no child deserves to be brought into this world. I wouldnt wish life on anyone right now. My dads store is closing and it doesnt sound like he got the transfer job he wanted. He has been looking at job postings in virginia and other states but my mom shut that down as soon as he mentioned it. now im not so sure tho could i even move...really what is keeping me here? nothing nobody.everything my mother says to me these days is negative...how i fucked everything up how i need to stop eating how terrible i look....and to think even before all this happened I laid under the covers for hours when I got home just wanting to die and no not figureatively I wanted somebody to come over a stab me until all the life bled out....im not over it i spend every second further realizing that i have nowhere to run but straight into the ground.

im sorry i know that nobody needs to hear this nobody cares nor have they in the past nor should they...so i made a new journal on a different site for all of this you all wont have to hear from me again until i have regained my faith and my sanity until i have found somebody i trust because i dont i trust nothing...ill be back when i want to live again...

I won't be back for a while

Jess
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Lizzy

03-31-04 7:33pm

i care. if u ever want to talk to me i'm there...you are NOT a failure. you are YOU- beautiful, sarcastic, a great dancer, creative, and you need to stop beating up on yourself. The way i always look at things, is the past is the past, and the only things you can change are the future. please keep believing because i and others believe in you.

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playmate101

03-31-04 9:53pm

"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should b told they r pretty, even if they aren't." --Marilyn Monroe

i'm passing this on to u. a quote that made me realize how beautiful i felt and look, it's what built my self-esteem. what u think about urself is more important than the thoughts of ur mother. i know. my mom always pushes everything she didn't or couldn't do onto me. not being skinny, not being able to cheerlead, eat healthy, go to college, etc. but somehow, she came to her senses, and now i get compliments like "u look cute today" even if i don't... and thats just where that quote fits. and there is no sense in thinking that nobody cares, because somebody out there always will, even if it doesn't feel like it. ur welcome to do ur release of stress here... don't hide it, let ppl know how u feel because that's the only way they can help. like u said, u don't have ESP, and nor does anyone else.
<3 bri

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lifesuxsodanz

Re:, 04-01-04 8:36pm

Thanks bri and Liz and danielle and everyone who cares..I really have taken all the things you said to heart. I'm just feeling a little displaced right now I'll still keep those interested informed I just need to learn like myself again...if i ever did. But I love you all for not letting me shut you out.

~Jess~

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