| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| silentcriez (profile) wrote, on 4-11-2004 at 9:41pm | |
| i guess it is obvious now that i really have no reason on this earth i guess ive comfortated myself with ethe thought that i was here for some purpose that iw ould make something fo myself.. i guess ive always felt destined to be something great but i dont think its so true anymore. my heart weeps in despondency i am nothing but salted fears and stale memories. nothing is really left for me things i used to find comfort in slowly metling awwy. all my old emotions gone.. i mean i dont care about myself.. let alone liek myself. but no, i would never choose to be anyone else. i guess if i had to suffer as anyone it might as well be me... i find myself constantly writing of love and search for happiness.. but my heart does not truly love anyone.. oive been proven not to trust anyone throughout my life. i am only 14 years old and i have already lost faith in all, including myself. i find it sad how in teh depth of depression i feel teh best... and when i torture myself it makes the slightest lift of stress all that better.. sometimes i just want to hurt myself.. get teh courage to press down teh blade... hurting teh thing on teh outside because i hate whats on the inside.. its such a fad now... ppl showing off that they cut... its a real issue.. nothing to be joked with. nobodies issues can be bad enough to cut. they dont even udnerstand it...the seriousness of all of it... teh symbolism of the blood.. the rush in the sting of the blood seeping from your veins. all of your emotions draining from pale skin like the years you cry... not even i fully understand... sean told me tonight i always need to get my way.. i guess its true dammit... why am i so stubborn? well its easter.. didnt do ANYTHING special.. dad got home around 5 from florida...i made dinner... and he got me some stupid easter bunny candy.. not like he really cared about it. my first easter without my mom.. and it was a sucky one.. she called my cellfone to talk to me.. and i still am not speaking with her.. when will she understand that what she did was wrong and that i am not teh one being stubborn here. until she realizes the flaws in her ways i will not speak to that selfish woman... oh the insanity i felt last night.. the chemicals sworming my system.. i kept thinking about tihngs when i was trying to go to sleep.. i thought about how im moving wayyy to fast and im only 14.. i need to slow down.. liek drinking and smoking...its horrible in teh next couple years im already gonna be sick of it... well my birthdays coming up soon.. its gonna suck... moms prolly gonna try n call me or somethihng.... erg my first birthday without my mom... prolly spend it crying or something... damn... i hate this and i hate every emotion running through my veins.. wont they just freeze.. and i wont wake up.. all would be so much easier.... |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
| Anonymous | <3, 04-12-04 3:38pm manda maltz..
|
cocopuff | I Love u!!, 04-12-04 4:08pm amanda i love u soo much and it kills me to see u so sad... ur such a great person and anyone who thinks otherwise is fuckin stupid... and i want to thank u cuz u might not think u have made a difference, but u truly have, u have made a difference in my life and i thank u for that, i can't count all the times u have helped me and made life easyer for me, and im soo sad because im not as great as a person as u and i don't knwo how to help u get through this but nething i mean NETHIGN u want ill do for u its the least ur deserivefor being my beautiful Amanda.
|
emmyd | manda baby!, 04-12-04 7:20pm amanda...
|
| Anonymous | 04-12-04 10:01pm dont be so hard on yourself, just hold on and be strong. i hate to see you like this cheer up emo girl |
krazykelc1 | 04-14-04 9:34pm amanda you are an amazing person, dont let anything make you believe different. there are so many people who love and care about you and want to see you happy. most of the things you're feeling, your friends are too. I know we dont always agree and sometimes get eachother mad, but you know I am always here for u and always have been (I hope) & would do anything possible to help you out. this is getting kind of lengthy but you see my point.. I'm always here Amanda I love you |