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| r0ckmywurld (profile) wrote, on 5-19-2004 at 12:01am | |
| Current mood: shitty Music: my fn speakers still dont work.. Subject: falling apart.... falling apart.... falling apart.... |
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| sorry if i act on my feelings. sorry if im acting emo. i cant help feeling unwanted.. i know i have friends and stuff that are awesome. i dont direct that at you. im letting my head get assfucked, and that im letting it happen is stupid. i dont want to care. here is another stupid fucking cry for novicane.... im screaming it. i hate crying. i hate not knowing why. i hate knowing why and not wanting to feel that way but not being able to stop it. i hate being on the verge of tears but not actually crying because i wont let myself but it hurts. i hate this all. and right now i hate myself for feeling it. i hate being me. i hate if i hurt anyone by being myself. i feel like im going to. please ignore me. im going to try to be nice. i just feel like shit right now. i hate soo much being out of control. i hate knowing that there is nothing that i can do to change something. i feel like im spiraling right now. i need to keep busy. i hate this so much. the past can never be changed. is the future set too? i want to live my life perfect. i want to be where my expectations take me. i dont want to fall. i need to succeed. please just give me control right now. i head is spinning so fast please make it stop. i dont know what is doing this to me but the tears are steadily rolling. i hate how this happens like once a year. i hate knowing that it will pass but i have to deal with it for now. fuck this. fuck how i feel. fuck my mind. why does it have to happen right now? everything is going really well. i just finished my last full day. its all done on friday. why when everything feels good can i not feel good when i try. i fucking hate this soo much. these are the times when i really wish i had just gotten a fucking persciption. but no. i get through it always. never the easy way out. what about when i dont feel like waiting. when i want to feel better NOW. not in a month or something? it better not last long. i have soo much stuff coming up that i want to REALLY feel happy about. i dont feel like faking it. or only having it be extremely fleeting. somebody please just fix me. i would do anything. tomorrow i think im finding somewhere peacefull by myself. i need something. maybe i will smoke by myself on a beach. tears feel weird as they roll down your chest. webster lake. im lost. somebody find me so i dont have to wait to find myself. i dont feel like waiting that long. im too messy and too unorganized. it takes to much time to clean myself up. my room is spotless now. minus the shelf in the closet that fell down. eh ill pick it up tomor. maybe ill pick myself up too. sorry for myself. *stagnancy is my only enemy* |
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smilesideways | 05-19-04 10:40pm i love you meg. you are one of the best people i kno. i want you to really smile. if i could i would give you one of mine. until then. i will try to make you smile....
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r0ckmywurld | Re:, 05-20-04 1:05am *smile* with us. they will fly. and get nosebleeds. |