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| innocence (profile) wrote, on 8-1-2004 at 11:02pm | |
| Subject: i neeeeeed her |
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| hey, ya know.. i think about it -- and i do miss my friends, a lot.. more than i can say. but i miss my mother even more. my mom dealt with such difficult physical pain. so hard and so long. but i really think my emotional pain is almost as bad as her physical pain .. but not as bad -- my mother is the strongest and most amazing and incredible person i know. i think back and realize that i was s uch a shitty daughter. i never looked at the big picture with my mom. never realized how sick she was, and i never helped her. it was always me me me. where i want to go to dinner, what i wanna watch, what i wanna do. wherever i wanna go. it was always me. never once did she do what she wanted, or eat what she wanted, or go where she wanted, she did everything in her power to make me happy. and she never complained never ever ever did she complain. i just feel like if i did thigns different maybe she would have lived longer, or not been in so much pain. i feel liek i didnt prove to her how much i love her. and now i cant. its like my mom got jipped... she was the one who disciplined me, and made me eat my vegetables and she wa the one who told me NO... and she did everything to make me the way i am today, and i gave her no credit.. i never chose to stay home and really hang out with her .. and now i wish i did. she's made such sacrafices for me ... and never once did i thank her for them. i mean talk about a bad daughter. i wish i could have done more things to make her feel loved and special. because she is the most special thing in my life. she was always so beautiful.. even when she passed she was beautiful. i just want to hug her, i want to say things to her i never said. i want her to know how much i love her and how sorry i am for everything. i try to think -- shes in a better place, she's with god and jesus and she's being taken care of. but i need her in my life. i cant go on without her, i just cant. everythign makes me think of her. i have so much to say on this subject but im crying so much and losing my train of thought. i need her, when something good happens i wanna go "hey mom.. listen to this.." but i cant. when somethign bad happens i wanan say "mom this stupid bitch..." but i cant. fact is i dont have the most important thing in my life anymore, and nobody knows how i feel. nobody saw my mom suffer, nobody didnt know what to do. nobody has had so many close calls, nobody has been as scared as me when they had to call the ambulance for their mom. nobody knows exactly how i feel. nobody lived with the strongest person in the world and watched them suffer, and was mistaken for somebody, and never heard her complain, and never saw her beautiful eyes cry, and never saw her smile.. nobody saw it like i did. and now i cant see it anymore. and it kills me. i really just wanna die. i want my mommy. i cant go on without her. i know shes my guardian angel, but i dont want her as my guardian angel, i want her as my mother, here on earth!! i could say more.. but my eyes hurt from crying so im going to bed.. ill write more later. and just so everybody knows, you may not be so fond of your parents now.. but when they're gone it hurts more then you'll ever think. so my advice is make it last, let them know you care, and when you get a chance to say i love you -- take it. a piece of my heart is missing.... and its never coming back |
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| Anonymous | 08-02-04 3:09am OMG! Dani that is the sadest thing ive ever had to read in my life. And ur right no1 does know how you feel. I wish I could say I understand ur pain but i dont. I wish I had a bucket to catch ur tears but i dont. I wish I could bring ur mom back cuz I cant. I miss her sooooooo much that I cry all the time so I cant even imagine how you feel. I want to say sumthin positive that will give you hope but i cant. Theres nothing I can say that will make ur pain cease. I just want you to know that no matter what happens if you ever need sum1 to talk to or you just want to vent im here. You and Bambi are my family and I would do anything i can for you. If you need anything just let me know. It breaks my heart to have to see you this upset. And don't you think for one second that you were a shitty daughter. Ur moms illness was terrible and theres nuthin you could have done that would have made it better. You were and awesome daughter and Bambi knows that. You dont have to tell sumone you love them everday to make it so they know. Its just a feeling you get. We all do things we regret but thats life. What happens happens and we cant change it. I know we all wish we could but we just cant. JUst know that you did the best you could do. I cant imagine how hard it was for you to have to grow up seeing ur mother like that but you sure helped more then anyone. You were always there for her when it mattered most so dont feel like its ur fault. If anyone should feel guilty it should be ur fucking family. They werent there. Maybe they couldve helped you deal with things but dont think at all that this is ur fault. And even thinking about saying you wanna die makes me breakdown so please dont say that. I dont think i would be ok if anything happened to you. I love u and ur mom so much. |
seductiveeyez | 08-02-04 12:59pm I know that no one knows how u feel. and that no1 can compare themselves to ur situation or put themselves in your shoes. its terrible wut ur goin thru...u dont desrve it. dont say that u werent a good daughter, u loved ur mom alot and im sure she knew that. dont put urself down, she is in a better place...and 1 day u'll see her again! if you ever need to tlk call me |
strawberrie | Re: Hun im speachless, 08-02-04 1:26pm Hey babe idk what to say....i guess im speachless...your right like everyone says we dont know how u feel but i wish i could i would take all ur pain n make it better if i could i love you so much hearing u wanna die scares me silly please dont do anything to harm urself i lost your mother an amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing person i dont wanna loose the second most amaaaaaaaaaaazing person either....i wish i could just be their with u in ur room sitting on UR bed with ur cat in silence just crying i wanna let u know im hear for u even tho u know it but i wanna show u it i drove past ur neighborhood like 4 times last night n i was like all teary eyes n rj's like u ok n im like yeah fine...but im not i need u i miss u n ur mom also never say ur a bad daughter cause u werent u made good grades helped out around the house u were a normal teenager babe never say that...espcially if i cant ;-/ well imma go i love you n miss u so soso sosos sosos much ttus hopefully
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| Anonymous | 08-08-04 12:44am babe, u kno i love u more then anything in the world but ur wrong because u kno why ur mom let u pick were u wanted to go, and eat because it mad u happy and when u were happy it made her happy and she might not hve liked it but when she looked at u im almost positive she forgot about it and said lok at my buetifull daughter and lok how happy she is and i did that! also she can hear u no matter what and she might not be there phsyically but shes with u all the tym and u might not beable to say hey mom to her face but she hears u and u kno no matter what she cant be back with u and i kno it hurts because it hurts me too to kno the i can never see my dad again and i can n ever say hey daddy but he hears me just like ur mom hears u but try and be happy that ur mom is out of pain because when ur happy shes happy!
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