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| blondie17 (profile) wrote, on 8-2-2004 at 1:16am | |
| i got my nose pierced the other day. my hair is blonde...i got highlights...then dark dark brown underneath. i dont know where im going, but its not me anymore. ive lost what i had that thrill just to be innocent , and dont know whether its bad or not...acting my age...becomming what i used to hate about other people. giving in to easy...but maybe just in time to save myself. find myself. finally doing what i never dared to do before and not totally being disappointed with the results. im turning into something i always swore i wouldnt be. i see it now. what im becomming. i dont know what to do. i like doing whatever it is i do to be this new person, but in the same im ashamed. feeling less and less comfortable talking to those who i think are close to me...not being able to really tell them the truth about what ive been doing lately.....not so much what but just anything about me. i now find myself having to be careful of what i say and what i dont. if i feel like i have to do this that means that i will sooner or later be alone cause not telling them what i wish i could will just drive us apart. there are three people who now know everything about me, and they are the people who maybe a month ago, i never talked to and now they're the only ones i can talk to, because they dont make me feel like crap for the mistakes ive made, or rub in the fact that i made them. they just help, i guess or atleast support. its weird cause these friends i feel closer to than anybody. then the friends that i used to be the closest to are the ones i cant tell anything too. i dont feel ready to accept their judgement. i cant put myself out there cause no one understands except a certain few. the sad thing is they are the ones i used to hate for who they were and now thats who i am. hipocrit is i suppose what i am, but i dont know. they will except me for who and what i am when i know the people who used to wont. i dont know what to do about something. ive been taking part of something that i know will rip my insides out in the long run. i can feel now how hurt i will be when it happens,. even though while getting involved with it i knew it was inevitable. the pain, and feeling of loss. i know im going to loose what is making me so happy right now, because i knew i never had it. its just a matter of time, before i loose again what i think could have made me happy for a really long time. the sad things is im rambling on and on right now, and no one out there will understand what in the world im talking about. i knew/ know i am being used right now, but the true fact is im going to have to settle for it because as much as i know its nothing more than what i wish it could in the least be....im still infatuated. being able to have something like this as close as have it but also as far away as possible is what scares me and also intrigues me. im being used, i know it. ive accepted it. i think that...when the feeling i have when i know im wanted like this is gone i will be once again empty and trying to deal with reality again. i like him. i dont care if he doesnt feel the same right now. ive accepted that possibility, but i guess all i have to say now is ill take what i can get. the sick part..................i know im setting myself up for the most pain ive ever set myself up for in my life. hes closer than anyone has been to me, but also as far as possible all in the same. |
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jennapie | 08-02-04 12:55pm You make so much sense, you can't even imagine how much that helped me right now. I hate dealing with all of this shit that I am, and I need to just forget and go away, but I don't know how, and people that I have never talked to before, except by random accquaintences in school are the people I'm turning to for help, because they arn't all wrapped up in my mess emotionally and they can give me true advice without all of the hassle of caring to much. I need that. I love you! |
blondie17 | Re:, 08-02-04 2:12pm i love you too. |
andy | 08-02-04 10:19pm hey baby, remember graduation? Good times. |
andy | 08-02-04 10:19pm p.s. that was my attempt at letting you know I read but not being lame and cliche and saying 'blah blah blah' |
blondie17 | Re:, 08-03-04 2:46am what about graduation?
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andy | Re: Re:, 08-03-04 11:49am Nothing, We sat next to each other and made fun of people. But I just realized that was the concert and not graduation. |
blondie17 | Re: Re: Re:, 08-03-04 7:17pm okay...i remember that.
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andy | Re: Re: Re: Re:, 08-03-04 7:19pm lol |