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| Squishylover (profile) wrote, on 9-3-2004 at 8:19pm | |
| Current mood: Sleepy clean and worried Music: Same ol' shit Subject: Hurricane Madness? |
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| God I hate when I write a whole journal then it gets deleted well here goes the 2nd try. I now no longer have a laptop..it died. RIP you good ol' thing. I have to get a new one so that means no more funness at home...if there will be a home to go to! But I am hopeful. Right now I'm on my friends laptop where we are refugeeing until the hurricane goes away. Let's see I guess I should clue you into whats been goin' on in my life the past few days. Lemmie think ok wednesday we had one of those PTA days, where we come into school at 11. Sorta like an exam day. Well the day before I wrote Ryan a note telling him my feelings on our relationships current status on how I felt like he would rather be with his friends then me then I'm just someone he has to see and talk to, but anyways. Yah I wanted to talk to him about that note that day. I get to school at the appointed time and I'm hanging out with Amber but Ryan never shows up but I wasn't expecting him to be there in the morning cause he had gone to IHOP before and I expected him to be late. I go to Spanish class and I'm just thinkin' about Ryan and I and what's goin' on with us lately. I get to drama class and we do our shit in there and after drama I usually see Ryan goin' to my American history class I get to the spot where I usually meet him and he is nowhere to be seen. I'm gettin' a lil' suspicious and worried thinkin' that my note angered him or somethin' and he didn't want to see me. I get to American history and we have a sub who can't read our teachers note to give us so we basically have the period to ourselves. Well my friend Charde and I usually talk about our boyfriends because even though they are totally different they are exactly the same if that makes any sense. I was telling her my situation and we were exchanging our stories and what not and she was giving me advice. Now I knew that half of this advice wouldn't work because since Ryan is actually different then her boyfriend he wouldn't care about half the things she recommended. She was telling me that if he didn't change the way he was acting that I should break up with him (but thats a very hard concept for me to even think about). Either that or take a break to make him realize how good I am...but I don't think I'm that important but whateva'. She was also saying how I'm too nice to him and whenever I get mad at him I should express my anger and not act like I'm not angry and do nothing about it...like I always do. I began thinking about everything that she said and what I should do. I told her I wouldn't do anything or say anything until I got to see him at the next class change or at the end of the day when he walks me to my buses. The class ends and I wait for him at the other spot and instead of seeing Ryan my friend Jose comes up to me and says "We have to kick Ryan's ass" he said this playfully of course but he then said "He skipped school today" after that I tuned him out and I was just like thank you Jose. I was angry the fact that he didn't tell me he wasn't going to school because he always tells me when he isn't and for him always saying how he's going to do bad in school and then he goes and skips agg I just got mad (this of course was adding on top of everything else). I get to my Marine bio class and Helen and Sparks were like are you ok? I just nodded and walked inside and sat down thinking about everything. I text him acting as if I didn't know about him skipping cause I wanted him to tell me and I'm just like "how's your day?" he replies "Lazy and yours?" I said something but I don't remember then I said "How are your classes today?" and he says "I didn't go to school today" I said "Oh really? Thanks for telling me" then he texted "What? Am I supposed to tell you?" I then said "Well I was expecting to see you and I wanted to talk to you about something" he replied "Right" (I was getting way angrier at this time) I was like "Fine forget I even texted you then" he said "Fine with me" I finally said something mean but later I found out he laughed about what I said so it was sorta pointless but I said "Asshole" then he said "ok?" then I finally just let it out "Don't you even care don't you ever get mad!?" and he was like "Fine FUCK OFF AND STOP FUCKING TEXTING ME GEEZE!" that one did hurt...I was glad he finally showed emotion but it hurt none the less and some tears fell but I tried not to let anyone see. It was nearing the end of class and I send him one more text it said "This will be the last time I ever text you if thats what you want but are we breaking up?" he said "I don't want to but if thats whats happening then fine" I was loosing all composition at that time I also had to stay after school for Drama club and we had to audition today for the Dessert theater. I get to the Drama room and I go to the back and I don't talk to anyone I prepare the sign in sheet and get ready to take notes. I'm tryin' to hold back tears just thinking what would happen if Ryan and I broke up and it was hurting me so much. My friends are looking at me and Lorelei comes up and is like what's wrong? I'm tryin' not to let my feelings out and I'm just like "I think Ryan and I are breakin' up" and more tears fall and then Lorelei is askin' alot of questions and I was like shh I have to take notes casue Brandon had gone up to audition. I didn't really pay attention to him though...I was in my own world. I text Ryan again and ask if I can call him and he just says "Go for it" I let Aliya take the notes (thanks Aliya for everything) and I go outside and call him and we start talking about everything and emotions were flying and I'm crying and I'm saying how maybe we should take a break. Cause he says he feels like around me I'm holding him back even when I'm not. Well I was just cryin' and cryin' and Lorelei comes out halfway in the convo and is rubbing my back and wiping my tears and singing For good...(not a good song at the moment Lauren..) But god I love that girl she is such a great friend. I was askin' Ryan if we should break up and he said I don't want to be the ones to say the words, I wasn't going to say them since I seemed the one to be the problem I was going to let him decide. He had to get into work and Drama club auditions had ended and I think Ryan might have cried a lil' towards the end but I'm not sure. I was just like are wer still dating? He said yah and I was like get to work, then he said he wasn't going to then I was just like go to work so you don't get fired and he finally agrees but he sounded angry at me for it. Lorelei had taken me home and when I get there I had to pack cause we were being evacuated for the hurricane and I needed to fix my room up. I'm sittin' in the floor of my room and I'm tryin' to picture me without Ryan...and I couldn't I couldn't picture not being able to be in his arms and looking at someone else with the love I feel for him and kissing someone else and everything. There are also other reasons why it would be hard for me to leave him also but I text him telling him everything and he texts me back saying he didn't want to break up with me and all of that stuff. I said I was sorry for what I said and he said his sorrys. I wanted to give him a hug but he was at work and so I was going to wait till he got off then ask him to come over so I can see him. I text him and he says I'm already home I was just like Oh... but he decided to go back to eckerds to "Find his wallet" He came over we talked and I think everything is ok...but I don't really know. I think we needed this almost break up but I'm not sure if everything is going to be ok. I don't even know if I will see him this weekend, cause of this wonderful hurrican headed our way. So yah all of this is goin' on and happened...but I think Ryan still needs to hang out with his friends...I don't want to hold him back...I just seem to do it without knowing it. Whatever though. I'll ask him if everything will be ok between us and I hope it will be. But for now I must think about this hurricane and weather or not I will have a room when I get back home. Lets hope so! Well I'ma gonna get some ice cream and talk to some people online then go console my lil' pouncer butt (my cat pounce). Be careful all of you that have to experience the hurricane! -Chasmin- |
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A-Demons-Angel | 09-04-04 4:01am ~hugs~
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squishylover | Re:, 09-06-04 9:51am ::hugs::
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A-Demons-Angel | Re: Re:, 09-07-04 2:42pm ^-^
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