| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| jennapie (profile) wrote, on 10-25-2004 at 6:52pm | |
| it is what it is, you'll just have to be patient and not push. Why can't anyone understand that it hurts and I don't know what the heck I want. You all seem to knowwhat I want, so why don't you tell me? UH DUH! Because I confuse myself more than anyone else does and if I can't even decided what is right for me, then nobody else is going to be able to! I'm so retarded. I knew I couldn't do this, and I did anyway, and now I'm paying for it, severly. And I secretly knew that I never had a chance in the first place, but it still resulted in something great, and I wouldn't change anything about any of it. Except the competitive part about that. Why does there always have to be someone or something else in the way. Before, when I felt this way, I knew in the back of my mind that it would never work, but I would never come out and say that, I couldn't admit that, when so many people knew. I just couldn't. But now, I hate this feeling that she knew but I didn't and I feel retarded because I told her, but I never even had a clue. So, it was like she was secretly finding out all the dirt behind my back, and trying to figure it out for herself, to see if she was missing something. And now...I don't know, everything is too confusing, I wish it was all laid out for me, plain and simple. Do you ever feel like everyone has a plan, and is moving forward, but you are just stuck, not knowing anything? I do, all the time actually. I don't feel like anything is progressing, and I'm just gonna get left behind or something. I just don't know...anything. I wish someone would just tell me what to do! Do I just give up? I'm never gonna get what I want. There is always someone stopping me. NO, I won't give up....Nope, not gonna. OK. Whenever I think this deeply about anything or anyone, I get so confused. Nothing is right anymore. I want to just go back to how things were before I knew. What's that saying..ignorance is bliss? But since I can't, I'm just gonna be the good sport that I am and live with it, it's ok, it's only a title anyway, that doesn't mean anything. Having a title only sets you up quicker to get hurt, and that's the last thing I need. I'm still not recovered from the last time, and it hurt so bad! I'm not going to go through that again. I told myself that I wouldn't even give myself the chance to get hurt, but then what do I go and do? Just that very thing, I haven't gotten hurt, but all signs are pointing towards yes at the moment, well, all but one, I always have that little bitty piece of hope, somewhere on the end of a very long string. Why do I have to think so much, if I didn't over think things I would make decisions so much faster. I should also go through with my first instinct more often, I would have a lot less problems if I did. And I need to keep things to myself from now on, I can't tell anyone anything, except Dani of course, cuz I tell her everything, but EVERYONE except her doesn't need to know anything. It's none of their business anyway. I just don't know what to do, and while I sit here and ramble on about this, most of you have no clue as to what I am talking about and I'm perfectly ok with that. But for the 3 or 4 of you that do, I don't know, just don't care. I wanted to not over think, but I did, and then I was set straight again, and since it was so nicly done, it was ok, and everything is still ok. Last night everything slowly started to sink in tho, and it wasn't fun, but then I talked to some people on the phone and it was ok again. Why do I always have to forgive so easily. People seem to think that they can just walk all over me and I won't get mad, I do get mad, but I would NEVER say anything, and even if I did, you wouldn't listen cuz even if I threatened you or something you wouldn't take me seriously, nobody ever does. I just am so confused, and it's no use trying to sort it all out my myself, but nobody can tell me anything either. Ugh, I need to just figure out what I want, even if a certain someone made up their mind, I still wouldn't know if mine was made up. I jsut don't know, I guess everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it's supposed to, even if you think it's the time now, or the moment has passed, everything will always work out for the best and everything happens for a reason. at least that's what my mom keeps telling me. I don't know..I guess I'm gonna go think some more, and maybe I'll come to some kind of a conclusion where I can get my act together and say what I REALLY mean for once. Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, what have you gotten yourself into? (hopefully something good) that's all I can say. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
liz | 10-26-04 1:50pm *hugs* |
blondie17 | 10-27-04 8:27am from reading your journal, i realized you are having boy problems?>someone who doesnt want a realtionship, but just kind of uses you? hm....for that and all your confusion.... i know what you mean. i have been in love with this kid sense summer, and he is the most beautifully put together creature on this planet (to me) i only see him at parties, and sometimes we end up together by the end of the night, and sometimes we dont. im guessing that you asked your boy if he wanted to be more....well at least you had the guts to do that. I wish i did. I honestly can't bare the feeling of feeling stupid and vulnerable when he says no. and trust me i know he would say know. i hate when i see him at parties now because i know that i want him more than anything. it tears my heart out when i see him with any other girl, and i always wonder who he ended up with at the end of the night. i hate that because i know that i was once that girl who went home at the end of the night with him. i gave myself to him too soon. i know i did. that was the biggest mistake ive ever made, and i cant take it back. i think that we could have something if i hadnt done that, and i know that i gave him a reason to loose respect for me. i in a way did it to myself. the funny thing is my friends all warned me about him and told me that he was a ladys man. he told me differently. I still remember the first night we were at a party and we met. that night we made out, and he told me that he was closer to me than anyone else hed made out with. so obviously i figured that he was telling me the truth...probably not. one of the bad things that came out of this, is i lost a person who actually could have been the best guy for me, just because i was more attracted to the other one. the worse thing is...now at a party i happen to be at, we either end up together or we dont. and the fact that i know he just uses me, is okay, because for that time we are together i feel bet |
blondie17 | Re:, 10-27-04 8:36am ter than when im with anyone else. i feel that with those minutes, im the most special person in the world. he pays attention to ME! he notices ME! he is only with ME. i want him as so much more than that. the sad thing is i cant seem to pull away from him. id do anything for him. the sick thing, and this is horrible, but i even imagine if i got pregnant by him, i wouldnt be upset. in a way id be really happy cause i will always have a part of him. thats what scares me. i want to move away...far away. i honestly am crying right now at a computer at school, becuase of how true that statement is. i wish i could just go a way. far away. the problem with that is the fact that no matter where i go or what im doing i can stop thinking of him, and i wouldn't be able to stay away long enough. im in love with someone who thinks im just a whore on the side that he can use when he doesnt get a better lay. i know that and i just wish i could be what he wanted. maybe if i were pretty enough, or rich enough. i dont know. i guess the point of this is, i know your pain. and it kills. ive tried to get back on the horse, but i just keep getting bucked right back off. no one does understand, exactly what you are going through. not even me. i dont even understand what im going through. all i know is that at night i cry and no matter what i do i cant get that guy off my mind.
|
jennapie | Re: Re:, 10-28-04 12:52pm Casey!! I love you to pieces and I can'y imagine life without you!! I miss you like crazy too. I can always count on you for fun, no matter what! Hey, are you going to my Uncles Halloween party Saturday night? It would be fun to see you there since that is pretty much the only time I get to hang out with you anymore. I hope you are, let me know tho k? And don't worry about that guy, if he is willing to give you up, he isn't really worth anything and you shouldn't think that you are losing anything. I love you till death do us part!! Jenna!!! |