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| pointlessforever (profile) wrote, on 12-17-2004 at 4:52pm | |
| Current mood: upset Subject: An entry about Nick... |
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| It was so scary to see him in the hospital. He kept pressing the button for more morphine, he had those tubes running all over the place and there were machines near him beeping and flashing and the numbers... And it's just not fair. I've said it before and so has Katie. All this shit that gets thrown at Nick is just not fair to him or his family. He's the nicest, sweetest, best guy ever and he has to go through this... Ben felt the same way. He knew that if he felt like that, I felt it ten bazillion times more because I'm me. He was driving me home from the hospital and I cried a little. We didn't talk at all after we were on the highway and he got off the phone with Jackie. We pulled into my driveway and Ben squeezed my arm and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah and reached over to open the door and grab all my stuff. I got out, Ben got out of the car, gave me a hug and held me while I sobbed. It was so scary. It still is. Now... I really need to talk to someone but I can't talk to the people I normally talk to. I can't talk to Nick because it's about him, he wants me to rest my voice and he's hanging out with Ben today. I can't talk to Ben because he'll make fun of my voice, doesn't give a damn and is hanging out/sleeping over at Nick's today/tonight. So here I am again. Angsting here again. With Nick's surgery, I had the mentality that he'd go home once he was better. Eventually, "home" and the moment Nick was home began to mean that he was better. Being "better", to me, meant that he wasn't in any more pain and he could walk reasonably. Like me and most things in my life, I was terribly mistaken and disillusioned. Nick's home. He is still in pain and it hurts so much to see him wince and to know that he's in pain. I was so sad last night seeing him in all that pain. He can't really walk and, like always, wouldn't use his cane. The best moment last night was lying on his chest, later curling up next to him, and sleeping. I was so upset. I ended up crying myself to sleep, waking up a thousand times and then crying again. I love Nick so very very much. I'm so worried and so scared right now. I won't be able to spend time alone with him at all. In order to do that, I need to get out to Nick's house and I can't drive so my only ride out is Ben. I hope that I can maybe convince one of my parents to take me out there. Or maybe I'll hitch a ride with Kelly or someone and just call my parents for a ride home. I miss him. I miss him bunches of a lots of so much and I love him ten billion times more. I just want to spend time alone with him. I thought it'd be so easy since he'll be home for a long time but I just can't. There's no way I'll be able to get out there by myself. I don't remember kissing him at all last night. I wish that I could kiss him. I wish that I could see him. I'm going to cry if I don't stop. I love Nick. |
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kthpkc | 12-18-04 8:32am Tubes and machines with important numbers beeping every minute or so. My grandpa looked like a broken angel when I saw him like that. I'm sorry I wasn't there, I've wished a thousand million times that I could have seen Nick before and after his surgery. I probably won't even get to see him until he's down at Ben's again.
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pointlessforever | Re:, 12-18-04 11:19pm Thanks, Katie but right now I can't even talk really and everyone I talk to just thinks I'm annoying. |