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| lynds4090 (profile) wrote, on 12-24-2004 at 10:56pm | |
| Subject: wow... today was an absoulte emotional day. good and bad. |
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| I went and saw uncle chuck and my great grandma today. uncle looked great! i was really surprised! butit was awhole different story with my grandma. i don't ever want to see anyone like that agian. i knew she would look bad and i knew she wouldn't look like her self. but my god!! when i walked in i just wanted to run to her arms and cry! that wasn't my grandma! that wasn't the person i remebered! the lady i grew up with! what happend? 3 months ago she was rideing a motocyle! she was on our boat! just hopped on as if she was 18 agian. i just don't understand. she was fine... she was fine. now is a different story. it was so hard not to cry. i didn't want to start crying.. i didn't want her to see me all upset. i didn't want everyone else to be crying... it was just rough. she kept moving her feet.. like she was walking somewhere... she kept moving back and forth. she hurts for every breath. then of course... one of my moms aunts was like "she is walking to heaven".. i lost it.. i didn't want to cry but i just turned around... i didn't cry... my eyes got teary the whole time.. but i never shed a tear.. i guess its that stupid thing about me.. i don't cry infront of people. but i got home.. i hopped in my van to go the metron to pass out x-mas cards and the whole way there i just bawled. i could harldy see where i was driving.. not too safe but yeah... its hard... i can't handel death. i admit it. i know she is going to heaven. i know she is satisfied w/ what she has done in her life.. but for somereason i can't stand seeing someone in pain. i wanted to like do somthing.. but what? it is her time to go.. she knows that we all know that but why in pain? she hurts.. she hurts a lot.. she doesn't deserve it. ooh yeah... she said hi.. she didn't say hi to anyone else.. i feel bad.. she should of said hi to my mom.. to aunt kay.. i don't deserve to be said the word to.. i wish i would of spent more time w/ her. ooh i wish... david was deathly afraid of her.. i was holding her hand and he wouldn't even come near her. i understand he doens't know whats going on.. i would be scared too if i was his age.. well i am scared also but yeah.. i just held her hand.. what was i soppose to do. its all i could do. hold her hand.. my grandma was like well you should of sang to her.. what if she was to die while i was singing to her. i don't knwo what i would do.. what if she was to die right infront of me.. ooh that would.. that would idk.. i really don't know. i guess you have to look at this positvily.. i got to say good bye for the last time and she is going to heaven. a better place than here. heaven is the ultimate place. she will be able to see her family.. her husbands.. most of all jesus. so yeah i made my dad cry today.. this is the good part. i sang oh holy night at our christmas eve service.i sang so well!! my dad was bawling.. other people were crying.... People cried when i sang.. that feeling is just amazing. i have never made anyone cry w/ my singing. the lord really helped me. oh it was beatiful.. usually i critzie my singing.. yes there was thing that could of been better but oh i made people cry. people enjoyed it! so yeha i am pleased w/ it. i'm so happy. i love that song.. excepcially tonight. today gave me a whole new meaning of it. it felt so much more real when i practiced it and when i sang it. it just felt great. absolutly great. well merry christmas!!! i can't wait to give my dad his present!! ooh i'm excited! lindsey |
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lilschaub | 12-25-04 5:14pm wow linds. Right now I know exactly how you feel. My Great Grandma isnt even supost to make it though today. I have the same feeling about death as you do and when I was reading this I just started crying. If you need someone to cry with or just to talk to I am here for you. I always will be. I love you! |
| lynds4090 | Re:, 12-25-04 6:27pm Dear Jean 16, (hehe)
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