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| breezeyluvsu (profile) wrote, on 2-10-2005 at 2:16pm | |
| Welcome to the worst day of my life. Everything fell apart in drama. I wanted to open up to myself...but i just couldnt let myself do it. I chose my monologue because i felt that i could truely relate to it. So i could open up to everybody in the class alittle more. To show everybody the real me. But the coward i am just stood there. Ive never got nervous on stage. Especially in class. NEVER. something was definately wrong. My knees got jelly like and my hands were sweaty and i forgot all the words. I asked if i could restart and i got the most unusual feeling in my stomach. Like i knew something was going to go wrong but i tried anyways. I continued to mess up and gave up. I ran off the stage and into the bathroom where i cried my heart out...but was this really just about the script? Partially. Theres just so much more that people dont quite know. Like how i have no mother...she'd rather play the friend role. I dont have any rules or regulations. I come and go when i want. I have no dad....literally. He gave up on me quite some time ago. I had a best friend but the monster i am transformed him into a boyfriend. Yeah ihes great. He doesnt trust me though. He told me its building and its tearing me apart! i trust him with every fiber in my body and im just building it. I went to the mall yesterday and he got pissed off cos i didnt ask him if i could go to the mall with another guy. and swirl. yeah he dont wanna go but thats fine cos ill just go by myself or something. he just doesnt know how much it means to be. I make all kinds of sacrafices but he cant bite his tongue and go to this stupid fucking dance. fdjsklfjkdlsifjdsklfjailjfodasjkflndskljfkdlasjl;fkjd MOST of My friends...not very reliable. Theres very few. and i want nothing more then to just trust everybody in that class with the real me but im so incredibly scared of rejejction. Like i dont know what ide do if i lost any of the close people in my life or if somebody were to turn me away. Its like even those im about to run out of gas and i have all of my emergency tires on....im still gonna crash before i run out. I just will. Im never going to be able to walk into that classroom again. EVER. I tried talking to H after my panic attack left but it just started up again. He was right.l this isnt just about the script. It has to do with everything in my life just building and stacking up right in front of my face and finally it just collapsed. It collapsed right in front of everyone. Life just keeps on truckin - |
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jennapie | 02-10-05 4:39pm I'm sorry hun, you're tough though, I know you'll make it through. |
breezeyluvsu | Re:, 02-11-05 12:04pm Thanks Jenna :) |
brokenmentality | 02-11-05 2:16pm i know how life can live a life of its own. and i know how what YOU go through.... isnt even comprehendable by anybody else. i can relate to you on that level... that everyone has ghosts haunting them, everyone has aspects of life that just suck.... and nobody would ever know it. trust me, i know this....
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