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.j.e.s.s. (profile) wrote,
on 7-29-2005 at 11:22pm
There's an ambulance outside. I think I hate that noise more than anything in the world. Everytime I see or hear one I pray that no one is hurt.

I'm trying to avoid it, but I just have to write in here.

I've realized more and more how bad my self-esteem is getitng again. I put on these jeans today and they used to be loose on me. Now they are fitting and I hate it. I wanted to cry and cut off 10 lbs of fat from my legs. I always feel so fat but I don't work out or eat good. I don't have enough self-discipline and I always am working so I don't want to work out when I have the time. I want to spend that time with Roman or friends.

I cry about everything about myself. I 'm really hating my looks again like I used to. Because of my stupid face. This was supposed to be done with 2 years ago but no, of course not. It will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I cry if someone I've never met before doesn't say hi to me when I'm introduced to them. That one makes more sense to me... but when I cry because people don't say bye to me when I'm leaving their house I just want to drive off and run into a truck. It makes me feel so extremely horrible.

I'm sorry to anyone i've EVER made fun of or thought bad of ever. I'm so sorry. I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. I always feel that way but now more and more I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings even if I don't know them and even if they don't hear me. It's just so wrong because what if they did hear what I said? What if they are feeling like me what if they are on the verge and ready to go for it and that last comment they hear from a complete stranger just pushes them over the edge?

I just want all this to go away. For a while it was. Roman makes me feel great about myself so it all went away. Maybe i've been around myself to much and everything's coming back. WEll hey jess G if this makes you feel good... I wanted to let you know, my boyfriend thinks you're skinnier than me. Great huh? You are, and I know that but for him to even say it . I just wanted to go make myself puke until I was satisfying enough for the world. UGH.

I feel so bad about everything. I feel bad that I let down my parents I feel bad I let down roman. My friends. Everyone. I feel bad that I don't think I have what it takes (or even CLOSE to what it takes) to be a neonatel nurse. I feel bad that I dont think I can do college. I feel bad that I didn't get the cashiering job at white creek lumber and i was oh-so-positive i would. I feel bad that no one cares. I feel bad that I probably will be stuck at arby's for another year.

That is if they haven't fired me yet for not calling or showing up.
fuck them.

I feel bad that everyone is or seems more successful and more pretty than me. more outgoing, comfortable, together.a asssssssssssssssssssssssssdfffffffffffffff i dont like me. i think the only time i really like me is when i'm with one of my best friends or definetely when i'm with roman. but i always wish i could be more like him. confident. yeah that's right roman i think i'm jealous of you. hm. i love you and i want to be more like you but you know that already.

s;dlfkajdl;fkjasd;fkljas;dlfkjasl;dfjkasl;djkf gross.

And you know, I'll eat somethign before bed. Probably ice cream. Most likely. God i'm so dumb

Praying makes me feel so much better. but i still feel gross. Roman makes me feel great too but when i'm alone i still feel ugly.

PLEASE if you have any molecule of decency in you or like me AT ALL PLEASE leave me a comment with like... 3 things you like about me or think are nice about me or SOMETHING. just something that would be a little self-esteem booster. Because I need it. and i want it. And I will gladly do the same for you. okay? Please.



i need it. ugh. i feel so shitty.

and other than that. Im ready and I love roman with all my heart.
Post A Comment

BigBen61

07-29-05 11:40pm

Your funny beautiful and you care about your friends

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-29-05 11:58pm

thanks ben.

you are nice to my sister and treat her good.
you are so caring and nice to like EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

you have cool hair

and you can make anyone laugh/feel better. always. you're a good friend too.

(reply to comment)

egotrip

07-29-05 11:50pm

Jess, you're beautiful. You have a beautiful soul and a beautiful face. I wish you could see that.

You play wonderful music on the piano. You make me laugh. And I've never once seen you intentionally insult anybody ever. And if you did, they probably deserved it.

You could never be ugly.

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-30-05 12:00am

thank you justine. that means a lot lot lot.

you are beautiful. gorgeous in fact. you have the absolute most perfect skin in the world and i am incredibly jealous. it's perfect. you are so determined and good at like everything you do. you take beautiful photographs. you have a really cute laugh and smile and you are incredibly brilliant.

oh and you don't let people fuck with you!

(reply to comment)

tuwang

07-30-05 12:26am

You're skinny

You have beautiful blue eyes

you're funny

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-30-05 3:19pm

thank you kevin.

(reply to comment)

danibean

07-30-05 1:20am

oh jessie wibble my love. you have no idea how much i will always love you. you were my first little sister/freshman and it kills me that you feel this way. i think and have always thought that you are a true beauty. you have beautiful blue eyes and hair that i'm soooooooo freakin jelous of!! haha...you are so funny and i always have such a good time laughing about stupid shit when i'm with you. i'm so glad we got to share a basket and talk on the farm for a few days because i have really missed being your friend. i really hope you can come up and visit me at CMU!!! anyways, jessie, don't be sad...you have so many people that would do anything for you and i'm one of them. if you ever ever ever need anything, know that no matter how far apart we get or how far i move away or how long we go without talking, i'll be here for you. you will always be my little jessie and i will always love you soooo much!!! cheer up my little penguin!!! remember... when we turn old and grey, beans and you and me are going to live in an apple orchard with edgar j. moose!! and we'll have a plethera of red yummy apples :) ahhhhhhhhh.......... i love you!! bye!!!!!!!!!

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-30-05 3:20pm

thanks dani i love you you luss you

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sugarmouse0587

07-30-05 10:09am

JESSICA:
1. you are really pretty
2. you are really nice
3. you are funny
4. you don't like feet
5. we're getting married on the hill outside the bean
6. you're really good at swearing
7. you have nice teeth
8. at least you have eyebrows
9. you like cereal more than any person i know
10. i love you
11. you're going to be alright
12. you're not crazy
13. you're smart
14. you like to talk even when you're toes go numb
15. piano genius!
16. clara loves you
17. edgar loves you
18. the bayo loves you and so do french people
19. i like it when you tell me stories
20. i like to loan my books to you
21. you are intimate with mr. b natural
22. A TROMBONES NOT JUST A TROMBONE, IT"S A BIG LAUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
23. you're good at glaring at dumb people at band camp
24. you don't play flute
25. grammer is fun and contractions are not
26. you don't have red hair
27. I LOVE YOUOUUOUOUOUOUOUOU!!!!!!
28. please be my wife
29. i won't take no for an answer


(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-30-05 3:19pm

oh beans you just made me laugh a lot. i love you and i will be your wife.

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bleedingsun

Because I have a few molecules of decency in me..., 07-30-05 10:44am

I know we've only met like once, but I think I can manage to get three things I liked about you. Lets see...well, your smile was the first thing I noticed about you, so that's good. And you seemed to laugh a lot, or just be smiling a lot, whatever, so that showed you had a good sense of humor. Oh, and I really like how you're so in love with Roman. It makes me so happy to see that.

There, I think that's three.

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re: Because I have a few molecules of decency in me..., 07-30-05 3:16pm

aw thanks that is so so so so very nice of you. I'm glad you like to see how in love i am with roman :0) I like it too.

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jes

07-30-05 10:59am

I love you because

1.)You've always been there for me, always, since we were in pre-school because you are the greatest friend a person could ask for.

2.) I love you because despite all your in-securities, you don't see all the wonderful amazing things about yourself that everyone else admires.

3.)I love you because you have a huge heart, and you always try to let everyone in. You make other people happy, and you make other people feel good about themselves, and don't ask for anything in return.

But most importantly I love YOU because my life would never ever be the same if it didn't have you in it, I would be crushed if one day you weren't in my life, and a large part of my hapiness depends soley on you! I love you Jess, and I think you are perfect, and I am always always here for you!

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 07-30-05 3:20pm

i love you jess you are the greatest oh and ps we found your phone holder.

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