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| mudpiegrl (profile) wrote, on 11-14-2005 at 11:30pm | |
| Current mood: melancholy |
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| you know, i dont know if im really melancholy...but it's such a pretty word. strangely, life seems to be fated ironically. the jealousy of my love for another flipped into my envy for his action with another. how ridiculously pathetic. and i sadly, will not be winning the contest. i assumed there were few entries; which, there sadly, were not. there were about fifty. i wish i could live up to my brothers standards and make my parents proud. i wish i could even be something that i am proud of, which i am currently not. how stupidly annoying i sound. my advice to myself would be to shut up and do soemthing about it, which i have been trying. i wanted to ask him out! i wanted to, but got denied before i tried. i put hard work into that contest, which i should not speak of losing before the results are counted, but i am ashamed of the design already. kristen even has more hope than i do in the guy situation, because he is rebuking his thoughts and determined to discover himself, a revolation in which she's involved. im frustrated with everything. i loathe working at express and am burnt out enough to not even want a job anymore. but that means no money. hopefully, winter break will be replenishing, but i worry about my grades. i dont think that i am doing well enough in my classes to pass. surely, the simple classes will be fine. but harlem is questionable, because i always fall asleep. and japanese is awful because i didnt even take the midterm. history, i have failed every test, or thereabouts. that's not good for first semester. i question my decisions daily, such as my promise to not drink. what am i missing out on? but then, i have promised myself and more importantly, my friends. right now, the most important are q, stunkel, mushroom and kristen. i fight to prove justin and jen wrong. i hope to be an inspiration to at least zak, who has recently promised not to drink. yasamin talks about hookah...what's so special about it? but then, its smoke and if you can get messed up on it, then i dont care for it. why am i working at express? should i stay and battle it out? quitting a job looks bad...but if i get another, then i have a reason, "i found a better job." i dont want christmas to come. i like spending my money on other people...but to a certain extent, i feel as if i do that so often and never get the return. of course, i still wonder if the person (no one specific) i am thinking about at one particular time or another thinks about me just as much, or if it's one-sided. i wonder who is important in my life now. who could i do without? who would rather extract me from their lives, which is quite selfish, but doing things for others must be returned to a certain extent, otherwise it is taking advantage. i guess the hardest thing is looking at everythign i just wrote and knowing that tmro, i am going to get on the train at 8:11am, ride to chicago, walk to michigan and harrison, go to class, pretend to care about it, leave class, walk to canal and jackson, get on the 11:37, drive from the station to the school to pick up justin for lunch, go home and do something idle, pick up justin and kristen from school, eat somewhere, spend money somewhere, go to denny's at one point, drop everyone off, and return home, only to talk online and go to bed. the routine is painfully restricting, but it is that which is shaped by others. i concern myself with the control that is forced upon me and the patience with which i accept it. i do not want to be controlled, and so attempt to find a silent way to rebel against it, sneaking in my own control of the situation, denying those liberties that should not be taken. do not worry; this is not a dangerous type of control, i promise. i think that's it. g'night. |
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sweetyas | 11-16-05 4:20am Stay away from shit...hookah isnt that great its just b/c of friends that i had a blast....drinking its a bitch...u dont remember half the shit u do and then u feel like an idiot for a month...not worth it...jorie ur strong and thats what i love about u! |