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sandatthebeach (profile) wrote,
on 1-18-2006 at 12:20am
So...it's been awhile. I know. But I need to type somewhere that's not completely private but is somewhat forgotten. I would keep it private but I keep too many thoughts to myself and it's doing a lot more damage than good.

And I apologize in advance: this entry is about the boy.

So I admit...I've become exactly what I've always swore I wouldn't. I've become that attached girlfriend who can't stand to be away from her boyfriend. I can't stand myself right now. I swore I would never become this attached to another boy again. Not while in highschool at least. Brian left for school on Monday and let me tell you, I have not been very happy these past couple of days. Wait...he left yesterday...two days ago technically speaking. He could've left around 9 or 10 on Monday but because he wanted to check with parking services he left at 1:30...way too early. He got there...and of course...it was closed. Just my luck. My moodiness began there. I cried a lot on Monday. I was teary this morning on my way to school and during my Music Theory final, I just wanted to run outside and scream. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being this way. He hung up on me telling me I had to go to bed because I have finals tomorrow. Fuck finals...I don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here. I want to grow and move out. I can't live here anymore...it's driving me up the freakin wall. And it's only making me hate myself more and swallowing myself up in my hatred of myself. I don't deserve to be happy therefore I am miserable. The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm with him. And that bothers me greatly...because I've become exactly what I go against. What happened to my independence? What the fuck?!!?! I let some guy throw it away...and he didn't even do it...in fact if he finds out, he'll be so incredibly mad at me. God I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. You know what? I love him. I really really love him. I know he can be a little extreme at times and do things to make people go crazy...but I don't care. I don't care. He's the first person who has actually made me feel wanted in this world. He's the only person that I can be around without being afraid of being judged. He's the only person that has seen the real me...and that scares me in a way...because I feel like I trust him too much this soon. I mean. It has been 6 and a half months....but still....I wasn't supposed to fall for him like this yet....it wasn't part of my "plan". I'm frustrated.

Whatever.

-me-
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toki

01-18-06 2:41am

I'm sorry, Kimis. You have no reason to be miserable. Everybody deserves some form of happiness. What would life be if the simple act of being happy was completly unachieveable, why would we feel any happiness at all?

We'll have to party sometime.

You shouldn't feel the need to hide the "real you" from anyone. I don't know. What's the point of being close to people if they can't even see the real you?

It's good that someone has seen it. You can't stay hidden forever. That can't be healthy.

And it's okay to go against your plans....as long as you keep your other plans in check. If that makes sense. And you're a smart kid, so I think you know that.

It is hard to be any form of independant once you're with someone for long enough. People and even you start to identify you and the other person as a "couple" instead of two people, which isn't a bad thing all the time. When you're with someone, you have to be ready to give and take in relationships.

But yeah, I know how you feel. Eventually, though, you'll want a little bit of that independance back and it'll be too late.

Try your best to keep yourself happy outside of Brian. While it's awesome that you have this as a big part of your life, you have alot more going for you. You have school, your crazy awesome singingness, the play, and good friends who still get their socks rocked off by you.

Yep. Sandy Kimis, be happy. It'll be okay, I promise.

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mudpiegrl

01-18-06 5:33pm

Hi, sandy kim. first, i miss you, kid!

I agree with the patrice. to a certain extent, losing your independence comes from being around someone a lot, and isnt necessarily bad because you can only do so much by yourself. perhaps its a good thing that he's gone away if you feel too relient on him; you'll be able to regain some independence.

that's the thing about life...that you dont always follow the plan...but sometimes it's a little fun to stray, eh? it isnt bad to fall for a boy...besides...what else'd they be there for? boys are dumb :).

i love you sandy! ::hug::

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