wtf.
Here I am, fairly confident because all the normal signs are there; keeping an eye on my fb, unintentional compliments, long phone conversations ending with what sounds like a genuine "nice talking to you, as always".

But the trailing conversation regarding Napoleon's crush and what to do about her leading on kept me thinking all the time: what about my situation?

And so I asked the best friend of my object of affection if things look positively for me. Alas! He suggests they do not and he is merely appeasing me via the expected social niceties.

That sort of tears down any idea I had regarding an approach to the situation. Instead of positively, I feel I can only begin with questions whether it is only for politeness sake or if he truly enjoys conversing with me.

I'm in loop thought and can do nothing but lay down. There isn't any place for me anywhere but my bed and no focus behind my eyes to try to read or attend to a movie.

And despite how up in the air the opinion was (how credible is it if Napoleon hasn't spoken to Danny in some time, and certainly not about the same topic), I can't help but feel a shade of hopelessness and concern. There seems to be no place for me in the world as well as my house. What exactly am I doing?

St. L trip to forget.
"And is never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way."

I've started East of Eden. It's very good thus far (75 pages) and has some wonderful quotes. It isn't anything like the movie (yet).

***

***

But if the adversary of all evil
Was courteous, thinking of the high effect
That issue would from him, and who, and what,
To men of intellect unmeet it seems not.
Where am I?





Where am I?





What am I doing?





Nothing.

So long story-short, I've been super careful not to annoy him and he asked why I'm so formal with him.
-.-
So I'm going to call him tmro. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be so silly about this.

i tried to keep this crush at bay, knowing it was silly from before it's existance, but i'm out of control now. silly, silly me.

dreams
I already typed this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't send.

I'm very glad I kept this journal; I can go back and laugh at fourteen-year-old self when I'm thirty.

I had a dream the other night that woke me up at four and kept me awake for an hour at least. It featured three kids who'd decided to commit suicide in a public pool. Their ages were three, six, and seven, two boys and a girl, respectively. The youngest went first, simply laying face down in the pool; the eldest second, by tying a brick to her foot. I don’t recall the third. The images are really just a succession, and my brain filled in the gaps.

Three kids in the center of the pool. The two older are looking at the youngest.
The youngest lays face down. He doesn’t struggle, but his siblings wait for him to die.
The middle boy treads water, looking at the blur that is his sister underwater.
One boy face up, one face down, and a shadow of peach beneath the cyan water, while a crowd looks on.
The newspaper, black and white image of the same, with some headline regarding it’s outrageousness.

I had no emotional connection to the children, and only watched them die. The newspaper article struck the memory, but only that. Still no emotion. I have no idea what it all means.

Danny said it could be like Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But then, I should be in either an institution or a prison, particularly because this is not the first time I've dreamed like this.

Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.

I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.

Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.

I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?

Skeleton

To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?

To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.

Well, that just confuses things.

There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.


In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.

Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.

Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.

Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/

That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.

stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.

actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.

i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.

i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.

There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.

and who is sure of the future?

but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.

i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.

reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.

those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.

i only hope they'll let me freeload...

eyex
I'm in a funky position.

I usually have enough confidence and gall to ask someone out or tell them that I have fallen for them. This time, however, I'm struggling due to the fact that he contemplates every word used even more than I do. I can't say, "I have a crush on you" or "I like you" because both sound temporary and childish and not worth anyones time. Things have been suggested, such as "intrigued," though unless I intend to take a class or read a book on him, that's a silly one. Also suggested was, "I am mentally, emotionally, and sexually stimulated by you," but good god, that sounds desperate and somewhat obsessive, which brings me to "infatuated" which really just sounds like I should be in a hospital or have a restraining order against me. soo...i've gotten no where on that. I even thought about telling him that I've looked all this up and still can't decide and so just holding his hand is the best I can do...but I was thinking a cute way, like a crossword, but if I did something cute, it would be hard to say no, and it's important that he decides based on what he needs because I am perfectly fine without someone and can wait.

The other problem is response because reaction is one thing, response is another. I am afraid he will respond to my needs, not his, as stated. I am fine being friends, but it's something I need to know. It drives me crazy. (btw, I've just read some past entries and this happens a lot. I get easily frustrated by the fact that I don't know and the person who does won't tell me.)

I'm not completely convinced he doesn't have the same idea in his head about me though. Little things, like his eyes lingering for a moment longer than required (possibly in my head) or reading the book and watching the movies i lent him in place of reading the book of which he was already in the middle and spending three nights at my house in two weeks, not to mention the fact that Jess and Yasi are doing their best to convince me of this as well.

It bothers me because I can't escape the idea of marriage. This isn't something that happens often, and when it does, it does not include a particular person. I don't like that and it possibly deters me more from saying anything. Not that we wouldn't get on well-we already do crosswords and cook and play in the snow together...shut up. That's stupid. This is not ok.

ANYWAY school is nearly set. I've made some arrangements with the assistance of my barely-willing teachers to replace some classes and force my way into others. The remainder will get figured out, i suppose. Then, hopefully, I graduate! YAY! No more Columbia!!!

But then, I need a job. DOOOOOOOOM! So wish me luck on that.....

have

i hope that, for everyone, not just myself, a lot of bad things happening at once is like taking bad tasting medicine all at once instead of three times a day. I hope that it'll be easier later when everyone else has it. It's all a little too much to keep up with, though.

I don't know what i'm doing. i might not go to school next semester because of money and that means no lasers like i promised faith and no shows like i said i'd work on. i also can't pay rent. i hate myself for that. and also for doing whatever it is that i did wrong. i shouldn't be this affected, logically, being only a week, but it still stings to the point where i'm doing anything to avoid thinking about it. i've watched more movies the last three days than i have in all of the semester put together. it's easier.

::edit:: whenever i make plans period, they fall apart.

and then i'm disappointed...big surprise.

JustEverything
You know that famous scene of I Love Lucy where she's working the chocolate factory and everything's going okay, but it quickly gets out of hand and the women start to do everything they can to get rid of the chocolates they can't wrap?

That's pretty much how I feel. Like everything's going alright, but it's going too fast for me to handle and I don't know how to take it. Everyday it seems like there's something new that needs a deep breath, but I just try to keep taking it.

Like my speech: Easy and slow does it...I get through most of it. I realise I've messed up. I start thinking. How can I fix it? They won't know why he's said that. Just continue. Oh, gosh, where was I? Keep talking. You know what you're saying. I can't breathe. Talk. Can't breathe. Words. ::Gasp:: Line. ::Gasp:: "Omg, I'msosorry, I'mkindahavingapanicattack." ::sob:: ::run::

It's like that. I want to dunk my head underwater and study the sandy bottom of a pool. Or sit on a wall, feel the wind, read all day, and forget everything else. Or go home and take a long, hot bath and watch a movie before going to bed.

I can't though.

No time. Luckily, Patrice and I are getting along which makes life so much easier. Because she and Ryan talk to me and make living here and being frantic bareable. And they're fun when we actually get to hang out. I just missing having more time to do it.

Mushroom came today. We hadn't talked since winter break. Then yesterday, he texted me, pretty insistant that we get together. Which is weird. He wondered why I didn't call him to tell him stuff. But why would I call someone who's mad at me? And suddenly, because of my family issues, all friend issues with him are forgiven, healed, and sealed? I questioned him on it, and though it doesn't make any sense, that's definatly what he said. It's unnerving and I don't agree with it. It's like in movies when the popular, dreamy guy asks out the nerdalicious chick, there's always a bet or a catch of some sort.

Then there's Kristen with whom I am also having issues. I just feel rejected. And I understand that she's still in high school. But that means it's going to be worse when she moves away to Indiana. I just hate the fact that I feel like I have three family members (Patrice, Ryan, Tyler), a boyfriend and one friend. Other than my mum and dad, she's the only reason I go home and the only reason I actually spend any amount of time there. We have all the same shit and better in Chicago. So it's actually her I want to see, not VH.

Bill's good though. He's a positive in my life, mostly. He's such a sweetheart. He really cares for me. Which is also mostly good. Because I know I dont feel exactly the same. I definatly care for him, but not the way he does for me. He's fantastic to whine to, but that's all I do, as far as I can tell. I think that's annoying though, but he's not much of a conversationalist. I don't know. It's nice to have a companion, but I almost feel that he's not exactly going to be the right kind. Right now, like I said, it's nice to have a companion like that, someone that'll hold me and stuff. It's comfortable, which is a horrible reason to have a boyfriend and most of the reason I didn't want one. It's all very selfish reasons, not simply because I like the guy.

I like my job, too. The new one. I still have to quit the chocolate place. I'm going in tomorrow to quit and try to get the shift for tomorrow covered. Wish me luck. I don't know what to say.

I'm trying to pick a mood with which to head this. It's tough. I'll just type a bunch because there are so many things that I'm feeling.

i didnt want to.

i wish that people would understand that when im upset, i should be left alone, because otherwise, i get more upset.

::sitting by self::

"what's the matter?"

"i'm fine." leave me alone

"no, you arent." i wont be if you dont leave me alone.

"dont worry about it."

"well, im going to." then im going to start crying soon.

"please dont."

"i do. im your friend." funny, now you are? you were so excited to see me and then didnt talk to me all night and now that im upset, you're my friend?

wow. that's great. i have great friends. ones who always stick up for me when im in trouble...they're really great at pulling me out of the mud.

and yes, i know how accessible this is and yes, im doing it on purpose.

this is why i hate doing anything with "couples". not because im lonely but becuase you pay attention to no one but yourselves. you might as well go nowhere with anyone else and drown in each other.

so that's really it. im sick of work. im sick of everyone here. i cant stand home, watching my mum deteriorate. im ready to leave.

so goodnight. i'll do something that i actually want to do in the morning. like the fact that tonight, i wanted to go to Ra with coworkers...like i do every sunday. but i didnt because i was asked to do something else, something with people i was told really wanted to see me.

what a fucking lie.