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| pointlessforever (profile) wrote, on 2-5-2006 at 11:12pm | |
| Subject: <3 |
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| I'll make you a promise and you make me one forever and a day, I promise I will stay, I may change but my heart will always be the same Nick was wondering what was going on. This is the conversation Nicholas and I had the night before I took the ACT: June 11, 2004. Nick is the bold-faced type, I'm in italics. I love you, babycakes. Don't let Ben's stealing of my word dull its use. Think of it as our influence over him. Like brainwashing. Taryn's getting recycled love words, the poor girl. where did you get that picture? googled Flaming June ? that's the name of it http://www.people.virginia.edu/~pm9k/misc/im/ngjune.html what is the significances it's pretty and I love it okay now that that is out of the way how are you? I'm okay... how're you? how's life? what's new? did you go to Jackie's? yeah i got there at like 8:3- I had to work I'm okay, lonely but okay aw just hanging out at home? actually I am at ben's he is sleeping he has ACT's tommoroow *tommorrow where's he taking them? rockford ah joy you to? yeah what are you doing up then? I don't know *sogh* *sigh* hee I don't feel like sleeping niether do I just the thought of the ACT's make's me think about how I am going to be unsuccessfu and lonely for the rest of my life ditto it's joyous, right? yeah that's part of the reason I'm not sleeping, if I go to sleep, it makes the test come faster yeah you'll prolly do better though I don't know... Ithink s *I think so meh I'm scared about it your fine just relax and relaze you can retake it if something goes horribly wrong it's still scary what does Ben need to bring tommorrow 2 pencils, a calculator, his little ACT slip and a picture ID oh and a watch if he's obsessive compulsive and blind so what do you think is wrong with me you seem depressed I don't know, what's wrong? meh what is my worst triat biggest flaw you don't seem depressed when I see you, you seem fine ...? is that an aswer to the question? it's more rambling than anything um worst trait...um I can't think of any ....C'mon! sorry hun your lying would I? to you? when you seem so serious? trying to be nice but whatever just looking for some feedback, but whatever my feedback is just that: there's nothing I can think about you that is bad or a bad trait well wait ... you're really really nice but sometimes you act not so much but I know you're only kidding...I mean, my mom thought you were mean or whatever but you aren't in any way yeah I get mean when I'm "PLayful" you know I've always been bad about that though, I take stuff too seriously and I'm too sensitive meh so what did you mean when you said that you were going to try the other side? oh it's nothing, I was just in a man-hating/depressed/crying every five seconds mood really.....? truthfully? yeah I'm never serious when I talk about it, it's too scary ? it's nothing If you say so I geuss I'll gowithit *go with it* heh what men troubles are you ahving? I remember too much and I'm struggling with not wanting a relationship, really crushing on a guy and really wanting to be with him mind if I ask who? you don't want to know ? why? because it's always you mind if I ask you a question? yeah what is it that you see in me? What sets me so far apart from anyone else you dated? you're the best you're the kindest, the sweetest, the gentle-est the deepest, the everything, the best friend, the best one to talk to, the best one to comfort, the best one to get comfort from well if I wanted to be honest I couldn't say that you haven't been on my mind alot lately, it's just that I'mafraid of a few things I'm afriad that I will mean to much, that I won't be able to be what it is that your looking for, that I will feel to much(hard to explain) That I will just screw things up that things will just...I'm not sure how to explain it yeah, I'm afraid I'll fall in love with you and love you too much see that's p[art of it,I'm afraid that there will be too much emotion too much passion, it dangerous I know I'm just afraid of it all, I've been there and it's okay while you're there but I'm afraid of not being there ...there'sone other thing I've been "struggling" in my faith alot lately, if that's the right word, and I just...I don't know how to put this other that, I can't condem you, with myself especailly being in this situtaution, but I just need somebody that is stable in the faith, rooted, I'm afraid of some of the temptations I'm afraid of alotof things I need an anchor not a current yeah, I'm not all that religious and I'm....I'm that current *exnay on the current* I need an anchor not a sail heh I'm sorry I can't help you there I really like you, more than you think but I can be you anchor all the time either I don't know how to say this other than I love to be there for you, but I can't do it if your not there for yourself yes, I know what you mean I've been doing and I'm almost there that is one of the biggest things that I broke it off last time is because it didn't feel like you were ready to save yourself, or be saved, entirely andyway I don't want to put all this on your mind when you have the test tommorrow though you should get some sleep I will in a bit, I need something to get my mind off of it or I'll go insane go ahead I don't want to go ahead I'm listening I've liked you forever, not really stopped, it sort of just got shoved to the back of everything I'm afraid of everything about relationships, I've not been that great since breaking up with Ben and I want to stand on my own before anything, I wanted to be single for a bit to figure myself out I'm afraid of lust, I just want a nice, comfy, maybe romantic, just... I don't know how to say it, I don't want any superflous fooling around stuff, it ruins everything I spelled that wrong I think but I want to figure me out, last time, I don't think I gave myself enough time, lately I've just been worrying about everyone else did we ever "fool around" before? no that's why I loved it I'm just trying to figure out what your definition is cause it's different with everyone yeah I understand you want to be single, and by all means take your time, it's your life, and you don't need to rush I really want a comfortable relationship too it sounds very pleaseant you take your time though someday if you decide it is a good idea.... yes your turn to spill well basically, I still have feeling for you, I want a comfortable relationship, I really number one above everything else I need to know that you have some stabability, and I do worry about the whole "religous" thing as you put it earlier, but I don't want to rush you, I'm lonely, but wise enough to know tnot to rush you thanks I need help on religion...I'm sort of just I don't know, believing and praying for people sometimes, and I feel bad about it it's the easiest thingin theworld really, Now listen to this, "love everyone, hate nothing but evil, know that Jesus is the one who died to get rid of your debt of damnation, for imperfection simple enough, but now you get to spend the rest of your life truely trying to understand what exactly that menas, and to best describe the words Grace, Freedom, Love, and Compassion, Truth to a higher degree understand to a high state of being and love that is unstoppable prayer is just talking to God how you need to talk to him, neeled or standing, in a tree or on a altar with your heart and that is the most importantthing Go to bed thanks I will in a little I'm giving myself til 1:30 sure... I can't tear myself away from talking to you wow that is hard to imagine bnut you know I am going to be around for a very long long time yeah so.... so you're trying to get me to go to bed I hardly ever talk to you, it's a rare experience, I don't want to waste it so what do you want to talk about? Jackie's - how was it? meh did you watch the fireworks? she seemed like the old jackie, before all the ben crap On the bike ride home we saw them going off they were pretty yes it was cool it felt like a battlefield ride down a dirt road in the dark and hear the fireworks go off awesome! yeah so ask any question is Jackie being the old Jackie good or bad? good I think it felt like the jackie I used to be best friends with, the one I hada crush on, te one that would laugh, and smile, and just chill the old jackie yay! yeah so what are you thinking? I'm thinking I wish I hadn't missed Jackie's, I want to be with you, I'm a hypocrite, um I wonder what I missed at Jackie's, I wonder how Katie's doing hypocrite? Katie? Katie's been not that great with the whole Tom thing and she's leaving for Germany on Wednesday and is all worried worried about what exactly she's worried that her German won't be good enough, that the family won't like her, that she'll miss us, being out of the country on her own, homesick how long is she gone? until August 8th wow yeah, I'm gonna miss her hypocrite? going out with someone I've already been with I've always been against it hm......... so what is our officail status for the record? right now? yeah mutual interest? or what? mutual interest... I can't think of any other terms than that mutual interest leaning toward relationship ah so we aren't quite at round two yet? I wish :) loo well you let me know I will, and I'll really be ready this time alright well on that note I think you should get some sleep hun I have one minute! um um to be in bed oh I had a question for you um times up oh how's your leg? meh no mehs tune in tommorrow we should hnag out before I go to work or soomething pleases! what time do you work? 5 you get done at 12 yeah let's do it as long as my parents don't get all pissy, and my work doesn't call me in ealiy I miss you I miss you too a lot more than I notice okay, um want me to call you er um sure after the test tommorrow okies I'll still be here I hope *crosses fingures* loo you're gonna stay while Ben's taking the test? I'll be here prolly sleeping loo yeah I forget that it's early as all get out okay well get to bed beautiful I'll call you when I'm done with that stupid test nights good luck thanks sleep well you too sweet dreams maybe I'll me you in them I can only hope |
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734R5-0F-8L00D | 02-05-06 11:44pm Gott, I remember that week...it was like hell on wheels at the time. 'Course, that was from my perspective, not your's.
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