| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| godessalthena (profile) wrote, on 2-17-2006 at 8:56am | |
| Current mood: cold |
|
| i want to say something meaningful... but everything i could say i've said before... and everything i haven't said is trivial and pointless. so... i don't really know what to say... i have peter pan syndrome really bad. like, really, really bad. i don't want to ever grow up, be old, or middle aged... i hate how people get when they grow up too much. and it's just so stupid to want to grow up because everything sucks when you get old. you worry about germs, disease, war, politics, children, global warming... but you don't care about sunny days, friends, friday nights, song lyrics, dancing, the park, the trees, the gentle wind, fresh air... you care about getting to work on time and whether your child will ever be good enough for you. you live through your child and put so much pressure on them that it's amazing they live to eighteen so you can kick them out because they haven't been everything you ever dreamed of. you worry about how you can ruin everyone's life and how you can make your neighbors jealous and how ugly you can make yourself look. like being old is supposed to be hideous to match the inside you've made for yourself... the joy is gone from most adults eyes. i don't feel like i'm strong enough to stay young at heart forever and i don't ever want to have to face that... and i already am... i have to grow up, be on my own for the most part... and i hate it. i don't want to be like everyone... i just want to stay a kid forever... i don't ever want to be a horrible adult who sucks. i have a terrible time realizing when bad things are coming. i have the worst time believing it won't always be like this. i can't imagine what would happen when she leaves and i have only jeremiah there. i won't have a best friend anymore, only myself and my boyfriend... and then i will retreat into a shell and want to die because despite everything i'll hate the world more than i have in the past few weeks... i just don't want to have to say good bye... and you probably won't miss me all that much, but i don't know what i'm going to do... i don't know how to feel about this... i don't like it when my future is going to be different from my now, but i'm facing the same problem as the rexburg issue... that this future is never going to happen and i'll never have to live without you... but neither of those things are my biggest fear... my biggest fear is being alone... though, there's nothing more that i've wanted recently than to be left all alone in a dark corner... i don't want to exist all the time... it's this burning desire to be abandoned even thought that's what i'm most afraid of... like i'm not worth the attention that is given to me so i just want to hide from it. i just want to be unimportant sometimes... like i used to be when life sucked and i wanted to die, but i didn't have to worry about making people happy, not even myself.... but now i have confidence, self-esteem, even love for who i am and how i look... but it feels so wrong sometimes... like i'm lying or like i'm pretending to like who i am... i don't know. i'll be done now. 'hey depressed emo kid, how was your valentine's day..?' love, amelia |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
lillypad | 02-17-06 12:26pm you're wonderful.
|
lillypad | Re:, 02-17-06 12:33pm p.s. i already miss you.
|
lillypad | Re: Re:, 02-17-06 12:36pm blegh, more to say.
|
godessalthena | Re: Re: Re:, 02-17-06 1:58pm yes, i would... thank you brooke, you made me feel better...
|
independenttruckergrl | 02-18-06 2:10am it's always ok to be an adult at mind but a kid at heart.
|