Add Memory | Add To Friends
.j.e.s.s. (profile) wrote,
on 2-21-2006 at 11:09am
Please read this, anyone who cares about me:

wow. so yeah my life is pretty much completely effed up.

Okay, so I don't think I can make it in college. My dreams of being a nurse are pretty much shot. I just honestly really don't think I am capable of doing it. I'm sorry, but I don't. It sucks, but I don't. I really just think all I'm cut out to be is a mom. And I guess that's just the way it goes. School is not for me. I hate it and I'm just not all there. It's not in my heart I guess.

I honestly think once you get to be a senior or at least just a little older and you start to see the world and what a bad place it really is a little bit better, you really start to realize that what they teach you in school is almost all USELESS. I mean, yeah some of it sure is going to be relevant but a lot of it is pointless. Like, I can't BELIEVE I wasted a semester (haha, like that's a measure of time..) of my life sitting in Current Events class. I found some of my old papers from that class and seriously if I could rename that class I would name it Penmanship because that is ALL we did is copy things from written documents THAT'S ALL! It was totally and completely pointless. Also, I can't believe I sat through Foundations although when Mrs. Gallert came into the picture, she did teach what needed to be taught, but for the semester before her, it was pointless.

I just think I am going to find a school to go for Cosmetology. Yeah, it makes me sound like I'm going to be a nothing all my life, but really ... I feel like I couldn't succeed at doing anything much greater than that and I feel like WHY spend the money to go to college to just find out I can't do any of the things I wanted to. And at least cosmetology would be a steady job and I could have kids and still work part time and then go back and always do that job when my kids are in school. Really my main goal in life is to have a WONDERFUL family. Which is a good goal for me. Honestly like yeah I'm a little disapointed I won't be able to say I have a DEGREE in something, but at least I can have a wonderful family and good life. I just honestly don't think i"m capable of it.

I've come to realize something... it's extremely easy to say "I'm going to be a nurse" But to actually DO it is a totally different thing. It's hard. And although the words "I'm going to school for nursing" have came out of my mouth a million times. It's a hell of a lot easier said than done. I absolutely HATE school and I struggle too much in Chemistry and math to be able to handle it in college.

So basically- sorry mom and dad, I won't be your prodigy child, I won't be the one you're most proud of. I'll be the dud in your eyes. But in my eyes I'll have the best life out of all of them. I'll be the one who's not swimming in money, but enjoying a wonderful LOVING family. Something you never experienced and one day maybe you'll see it too, and wish you could have it.

And well just think of it this way: 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

Right?

f u ck school. It's just hard because I know I will forever be looked upon as the mess up. Whatever. I'm not going to be what YOU want me to be. Sorry.

I thought I really wanted be a nurse. But when it comes down to it, I don't even know if I would be able to stick a needle in someone. I thought it would be great to know I helped make a baby healthy enough to go home. That'd be a great feeling right? But what if something I did messed something up and KILLED that baby. What if I killed someone's baby that they had carried around for 9 months and waited and waited for the day it would be born and then 3 days later some mistake I make kills it. I just can't have that responsibility. It's way to extreme. Going into cosmetology the worst I could do is give someone a bad haircut.

I know my family will think I chose this because I'm moving in with Roman. Which, say that to yourself, does that really make any sense? Does moving in with Roman have anything to do with my choice of not becoming a nurse? Obviously not. It's not a decision he can make for me. And it's not affected by him. It's me. One thing might have changed my decision though. I would have at least wanted to TRY it IF my parents would pay for my college. But since I have to pay for it on my own, why would I want to take the chance to waste my money. Like, part of me still would like to go to college and maybe find a different profession that would be good for me, but it's like... why not just do this cosmetology thing so I don't have to spend money on finding out that I don't want to do nursing or whatever else.

I don't know.... MAYBE there could be something besides nursing where I don't have someone's life in my hands. But honestly I don't think there is anything I would enjoy. And I wouldn't want to go to college. I honestly just don't think I have what it takes. I can see the foreshadow already. My grades are going to s hit . And I just don't care anymore.

Oh also, how can something so "IMPORTANT" as the ACT's be messed up? On my score sheet it was correct, but I guess when they sent it to the school it now says my math score is a 31 (hahaha, impossible!) and my reading - an 18. Those should be reversed. But with this simple mistake, I could get into a higher math class or whatever or have to take a simple english class. Ugh it's just so dumb.

So good. And that's all.

P.S. I wanted people to read this, especially if they are in college.... I guess to give an opinion. Maybe a suggestion of what I could do instead of nursing. but not for just an encourgement of saying "YES YOU CAN" because I dont want to hear it because honestly, how would you know if I can or not? You dont' know. I think I know myself better than anyone else does. So I guess... opinions please but no praises.
Post A Comment

spud

02-21-06 9:42pm

alrighty. i may have skimmed a bit in the middle, but i read the lion share, and i like what i'm hearing.

for the last two years now, i've been staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out why in the fuck i'm on this blasted planet. what purpose am i here to serve? i like talking to people and helping them through their problems. i like doing technical stuff with electronic audio/visual equipment. i like playing/listening to music. and that's pretty much it. oh, and i like engines. cars and stuff.

now, how the hell am i supposed to make a career out of that mess? how am i supposed to make a degree out of that mess? i think you're on the right track in what you're thinking. i'm not going to tell you to do one thing or the other, because they're both feasible. but i can tell you right now that if your heart's not in it, college is a bitch. and you don't want to get slapped up by some bitch that's stealing your money that you don't even like. i'm not saying that's what WOULD happen, but it MIGHT. and that wouldn't be cool. worst case scenario is, you go through with the cosmetology thing, realize it's not your bag, and change your mind and do something else. or you go into nursing still, and change your mind and do something else. either way, don't be afraid to change your mind. it's going to be far better changing tracks, than staying on the one that makes you miserable.

hope that helps : )

(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 02-21-06 9:53pm

yeah thanks. i'm suprised to see you're supportive of me not going to college but i'm glad. thanks

(reply to comment)

tare

02-22-06 8:50am

I read the entire thing and I see where you are coming from. I've changed my mind so many times in the past couple of months about what I'd like to do with my life, so I guess I can offer a little advice.

Maybe try taking just a couple classes at community college in a subject that you're interested in, but didn't have the chance to take in High School. Maybe you'll find a subject that you absolutely love, or a specific class that you love, and you may be able to turn that into a degree. You never know. That's just an idea though.

Like he said, don't be afraid to change your mind because no matter what you choose, you're not stuck. You can always change your mind. You have to think that this is your future, and if you feel the need to change career paths then you should definately do that. Don't think you have to stick to one career choice just because you committed to the training or schooling for it... you want to do what's best for YOU... and only YOU can make that decision. I hope you figure things out darlin. :)


(reply to this)

.j.e.s.s.

Re:, 02-22-06 10:37am

ahhh. thank you for caring.

i'm still undecided.... but what you suggested is kind of what i have been thinking of doing.

(reply to comment)