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lisa3019 (profile) wrote,
on 5-5-2006 at 3:33pm
i'm bored.

i'm at justin's house.
he is getting a tattoo.
i couldn't go with him because i had school, but i wish i could've.

i am in a weird mood.
i've BEEN in a weird mood.
i don't know what's up.

sometimes i just want to put all my shit in my trunk and run away.
i don't even know why i feel liek that.
but i do.
i cry sometimes and justin yells at me because i can't tell him why.

the only thing i can think of is everything bundled together just gets to me. i get stressed out.

look,
i haven't seen my mom in sooo long.
i miss her so much.
ontop of that, my dad gives me a hard time about never calling him,
but he never calls me either.
i'm happy to have justin, but sometimes i want to be by myself.
that's the main reason why i left cody.
i got bored and sick of everything and i was done for good.
but then me and justin started to get close again and all the old feelings i always had for him got stronger and i forgot about wanting to be by myself.
i love justin a lot and it scares me.
i'm sooo afraid of being hurt.
i was in a relationship for three years where i was constantly cheated on and i'm scared to trust people.
like justin.. i definitely don't trust him.
it's not anything against him, but i just won't let go.
i feel like he doesn't love me enough.
he gets so mad at me saying that, but i do.
we've been sort of together since like last july,
but a lot of things happened in that time period.
and then when we started dating,
we agreed to exclusively see only each other.
but you see,
what most people don't know is..
sarah bishop and i haven't always tried to rip each other's heads off every time we've talked.
and there were times when she's told me a lot of stuff that would piss any sane person off.
but for me.. i don't really get "pissed off." i get hurt.
she doesn't know it, but i believed everything she's ever told me.
she might not believe everything i've told her, but i don't try to start up random lies, and i kinda get the vibe that she's sort of the same way.

there are some things about justin.
like.. i know he likes me a lot.
there are just some certain things that make me believe that.
things he doesn't know about.
like.. one time when i looked over his shoulder when he was on aol, he had me in a separate group. "babe"
or.. the things he tells his friends that they tell me,
the way he pulls me close to him in the middle of the night,
the way he gets soo worried when i am upset.

there are a million different reasons.
but then there are two million reasons that i can name that really hurt me.
like the things that bishop told me a long time ago,
he admits to everything, and he says it was a long time ago, but it still hurts to think about it.
liek the fact that i'm second-best. (not second-best to bishop, but second-best to someone else. she knows who she is and he knows who she is.)
when i say that to him, he says, "who do i talk to every day?, who do i spend all my time with? who do i spend all my money on?... etc.,"
but it's just that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
he denies that so my feelings aren't crushed, but i know the truth.

i don't talk to anyone anymore.
there's pretty much a certain group of people who i keep in touch with and still then, i don't talk to them very often.
i want to move away.
i can't wait to be finished with school.

and ontop of everything,
i can't wait for the drama to end.

everyone says, "just ignore her, she'll stop,"
but no. i know she won't.
i don't know what this is all about, but i wish i did.
we both know that both of our fights were better on my part,
but neither of us know what would've happened if they wouldn't have been broken up.
and actually, i don't give a fuck anymore.
i just want it finished.
i was talking to one of my sorta-friends the other day.
i was telling her how like, i know justin doesn't call sarah anymore,
i mean, honestly, she is not someone that i'm jealous of.
she's not something that i'm really worried about,
especially when there is *someone* else out there that probably loves him, even though she won't admit it.
and especially because i know he would drop me in a second for that *someone*.
but sarah,
i don't know what her deal is.
what is this even all over?
if she says she doesn't like justin anymore, then why does she hate me?
i don't even SEE her, let alone talk to her.
i don't talk to ANYONE to talk "about" her.
i don't know what's going on.

the other day cody called me.
well, i guess it was cody.
and it was more liek the other week.
well, i didn't answer because i was asleep.
when i called the number back,
he said it had to have been cody because noone else was over his house, and that cody was drunk, and he probably called.

i wish things would've turned out a little different.
like,
when i broke up with cody i wanted nothing to do with him.
welll, when you spend a lot of time with soemone, you get pretty close to them.
so.. many, many times i tried to be friends.
it never worked because he's always wanted something more.
and i don't want that.

i never regret breaking up with cody.
there were too many complications in our relationship.

but i wish that jealousy didn't exist.
and i wish that cody would stop having feelings for me.

no, i take that back.
becuase after a bunch of shit went down,
i said i never wanted to talk to him again, and i meant it,
for justin's sake.
it hurt him, and i never want him to be hurt,
as many times as he can hurt me,
i'm the kind of person that wants to be friends with everyone.

i don't know, i've spent a lot of time rambling on,
i'm going to nikki's to wait for my baby.
Post A Comment
Anonymous

05-11-06 5:19pm

after i got off the phone with you the other day, i remembered that the same night u got a phone call, i did too.. i got a call at about 2 in the morning from a private number. they said.."hey beautiful. iwant you so bad beautiful.".. i just hung up cuz i was drunk and couldnt even sit up let alone listen to sum perv. The next night, sumone kept calling me. it was a dude.. he kept asking me to meet him and kept saying " i wanna give you some dick."
Hm. i think somebody is trying to keep us fighting...obviously..

I had cody's mom listen to that voicemail and she said it def wasnt him drunk or sober. i dont kno. my mom listened to it, too the first time i even heard it. she said it didnt sound like him either.

I can see somebody still having feelings after 3 and a half years of dating, but i really believe cody doesnt. Lots of ppl told me that, also. they said its plain to see hes in love with me and no one else. Plus... hes buying me an engagement ring. So things with him are great... just thought id tell you that

One thing i really wanted to tell you tho was this..
i was going to call n tell you, but i dont have ur number and i couldnt remember it.
The other day between 6 and 7, i believe, i recieved a phone call from becca's phone. i missed it, so i called back and got no answer. a few min later Tadd calls me and says, "hey did you call??.." i told him that he called me and he said.."ooh.. me and bubber were down at the park and he had my phone while i was playing hoop. he was the one who called you."

i found it a lil hard to believe at first... but im not sure...

and p.s... please dont write retarded stuff about *sumone* loving him. i stopped loving him long b4 i even broke up with him cuz he used to beat me up all the time.

yea. long msg.. i kno.. sorry.

peace out

-bishop

(reply to this)

Anonymous

05-12-06 4:41pm

haha.. and quit lieing and telling ppl you "whooped my ass."
cuz u never did. and cant

u sorta hafta punch sumone more than once.. especially somewhere other than the side of the head to call it a whoopin

(reply to comment)
lisa3019

Re:, 05-17-06 1:24pm

i'm supposed to ignore you, but...

when i heard it, i kept telling bubby it didn't sound like him.
but all the while i was thinking it did.
and plus the fact that i can't think of anyone else it could be.
did you see how mad he got?
he gets mad when he's guilty.
but that's none of my business.
i have no room to tell you anything.
and it's clear that you already decided what you want to believe.

also,
that *someone* that i refer to, isn't you.
it's someone else, and she knows who she is,
but i know she doesn't read this.
they won't date each other and i can't figure out why, though.

another thing,
i'm not one for saying that i "whooped someone's ass."
i only use the term "whoop" joking around.
besides, i don't even think i did.
our fights are broken up wayyy too fast.
i'm not saying whether i can or can't.
i believe it depends on the moods of the individuals fighting.

i guess that's where you an i differ.
(i.e. after each fight when you told people i got my ass beat and everyone who told me about it laughed because they said you didn't even get a shot in.. let alone how i still don't hear the end of the "lisa ali haymaker" i threw.)

listen, bishop.
people are retarded.
they like to see girls fight.
bub said he doesn't call you,
and i'm with him 24/7 to believe him.
especially when i get Private calls everyday.
i just came to the conclusion with the help of other people that there are just people that want to start shit.
i'm ignoring it.
as for the other day, i am with him unless i am at school or work, so i may have been at work,
but there's no proof behind that, so it's not like i can pick a fight with him.
he said #1. why would he be stupid enough to call you when the PFA is almost up?, and i understand that one and #2. why would he use rebecca's phone instead of his?,
i don't know about that last point he made, though.

anyways, i'm sorry for causing trouble between you and cody.
i would like very much for all of this to end.
i don't know why you're holding such a grudge.
it doesn't really make sense to me and all the police in the area think we're both idiots.

so i'm asking you to please stop.
if justin is calling you, it isn't bothering me.
i know he doesn't hang out with you and that you
and him would never have a relationship again based on simple matters like your families hating each other, you being a bitch most of the time, and the fact that you try spreading a bunch of lies about him.
i just don't know why this can't stop.
neither of us beat the other one up, both of our fights were separated too quickly and i fought you on crutches the second time.
i just think it's ridiculous.

sometimes i feel bad for you.
like, the day i called and told you about that voicemail,
i told justin that i felt bad.
he said not to and that you and cody were going to be fine.
just don't let people play you for a fool, okay?
nobody deserves that.
and don't be such a bitch! you know anything about karma?

i wasn't sorry for making that myspace page,
but the next morning when you called me crying i was.
i hate when people cry, even if i do hate you.

all im trying to say is.. just let it go.

(reply to comment)

Anonymous

Re: Re:, 05-19-06 10:55am

I would just like to mention that im not doing anything. i dont kno what u want me to stop.. i dont say anything about you or butter.. i dont do anything to you... i dont even think about you. when someone brings you up, i get sick to my stomach cuz im so sick of this. i let things go a long, long time ago.
also, i read where you wrote to ppl, "i whooped that bitches ass." i never said anything about it. After our first fight, everyone told me i kicked your ass. actually, to be perfectly honest, i disagreed with em and said no body got their ass beat. I still never said anything even when 2 ppl came to me and said they saw you in the nurses office with "blood running out of your eyebrow" and you were supposedly "crying your eyes out."... which made me laugh cuz i figured that part was a lie. Anyways.. after our 2nd 4 second fight, i never said i kicked your ass or u kicked mine. all i said was, "look what she did to the side of my head"..(the only punch you threw besides the punches you threw at my shoulder). i had a nice red mark into my hair line.
Anyways. i dont bother to run my mouth when theres no point to it. especially when i dont care what ppl think of me.

oh yea, and... i knew u made that page about an hour after i found out it was on the internet. A few of butter's friends called to tell me and my sister that they knew u did it. Thats why i dont like you. its not hard to figure out.. and also b/c i hear everyday from atleast one person that your running your mouth about me. i just say..."ok kool."

i really dont care.. ive been over this for so long and nothing you do or say gets to me. i wish you woulda realized that way earlier. but now you kno for sure that i dont care and havent.

ppl need to grow the fuck up or i just need to peace the fuck outta bv cuz its so lame.

oh yea.. and i think i kno who that "sumone" is... the one whose supposed to be the bestest friend ever and dicks ya over, right??.. been there. done that. numerous times.

anyways.. im straight. hope you are now, too

peace

(reply to comment)
lisa3019

Re: Re: Re:, 05-24-06 10:15am

hey, noone reads this, so don't think i'm trying to make you look stupid,
but you can stop with the fake linda thing.

(reply to comment)

Anonymous

Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-24-06 6:01pm

haha.. hey, thats not me.. its this weird girl that i pretend to be friends with. shes a lesbian.. i think she just wants my shit.
but seriously, thats lame. i dont even like the girl. i dont even kno if her real name is linda?!.. or where the hell shes from.
she sends me msgs here and there trynna hang out... but i just kinda ignore her.



(reply to comment)
lisa3019

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-25-06 11:09am

okay. tyrna blaze n l?

(reply to comment)

Anonymous

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-28-06 9:50am

are you serious?! i am the ultimate dutch smokaa. im up for an L anytime

(reply to comment)
lisa3019

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 05-28-06 12:18pm

well, hit me up sometime 0739

i think i know your number. 8872?
i remember the first three digits cause i used to have at&t/cingular.

(reply to comment)