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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 10-13-2008 at 3:14pm
i hate how often my heart feels like it's breaking..
it always happens right after a moment of intense happiness...
generally after a realisation..

but it's like.. my heart just feels like it's going to crack right down the middle.. and then i get vicious and snap.

but people are being stupid and they deserve some push back.





i think spokane awakens a lot of feelings from a long time ago..
it makes me feel like the person i used to be..
not the person i want to be...
i think that's the real reason i didn't want to come back here..
it isn't that seattle is cooler and has more to do and has better weather and whatever..
it's because over there i know no one..
i was free to be whoever i wanted..
and i had no feelings preassigned there..

but over here..
i have best friends and family who only know the old me..
and i'm afraid to think or feel any different from when i was living here..
and now i'm stuck..
inbetween the old me and the me i want to be..
and i'm scared to go either way..
because i hate who i was.
but i would hate to disappoint the people here..
i'm turning into someone so awesome..
but part of me feels like the people here won't understand..

i know for a fact a few just won't..


i just want to be done with school and move away again..
and stay away until i'm strong enough to be myself..
i just wish..

i wish i wasn't so fucking scared.
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rorin

10-13-08 8:19pm

I'll try my best to love who you are and want to be. Don't ever be afraid to say what you feel around me. It might bruise our relationship but it won't break it... again...

You can't move away or run away from your problems Amelia. They will always be there. Moving won't make you stronger. Facing your problems and fears and all that is against you makes you strong.

(reply to this)

godessalthena

Re:, 10-14-08 1:20pm

I don't think that's true.. Moving will make me much, much stronger. It's already changed me so much and made me so much stronger.. I can't imagine how weak and pathetic I'd be if I had stayed here in Spokane.. And I'm not trying to say the people who have stayed here are weak and pathetic, I just know that's what would have happened to me. I know if I had stayed here I would have probably killed myself...

I wouldn't trade moving away for the world.. And I can't wait until I move away again.. My mind isn't strong enough to overcome my fears here. It's all in my head, and I know this place is closing the biggest door to myself and locking it and throwing away the key. I'm not free here. And I know I never will be free here until I overcome all the obstacles that are stopping me. But I also know the only way I can do that is build strength somewhere else..

I bet it's hard to understand.. But this place stops me in ways I can't even start to explain. .

(reply to comment)

rorin

Re: Re:, 10-14-08 6:58pm

Well when you move away, can I come with you?
I miss you so much and it's hard to hear you say that you would rather not be here. Because I'm here... And I don't think you want to be with me here...

(reply to comment)

godessalthena

Re: Re: Re:, 10-14-08 8:36pm

If you want to move with me you can! I never said you couldn't..
No one could make me want to stay here. The whole environment is wrong here.. There's no room to grow or move here.. Which is why so many of the people here do drugs and drink heavily. I can't deal with having no opportunities here. There is so much more out there that Spokane can't offer.

(reply to comment)