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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 12-5-2008 at 12:40pm
Current mood: depressed
Music: playradioplay
things.. haven't been going well.
and i'm depressed.
and unhappy a lot.

but i don't really feel like.. there's anyone i can really talk to. and i don't feel like i have anything to really say. i just feel bad, worthless, pointless and hopeless.

i've become such a bad friend and a worse lover. i'm just a big old sad sack who never makes anyone really happy anymore. especially because nothing good is happening. it's like.. everything is shit city right now..

and i was even diluted enough to think it was getting better.. i honestly thought things were going well, and we would be happier.

but i was so so wrong. i'm such a shitty girlfriend. i'm such a shitty friend. i'm just a shitty person. and i can't understand what people see in me. because i'm selfish and depressed and dense and i never say anything.

and i'm sorry for that.

i just want to feel happy again. and i want to make people happy again. but i can't. because i've lost that. and i probably won't get it back.

i just hate things right now. espeically me. and the worst part is i'm stuck with myself. i hate how i've ruined everything and how i can't find a better job and how i'm a lazy slob and i don't ever want to have sex. i'm not even smart enough to make up intellecutally what i lack physically.

i'm such a fucking waste.
i want to write forever. about how i feel and about what i think. but i honestly don't think i feel or think anymore.
i just do and act, without any reason or justification. i'm just like a disgusting animal roaming around doing nthing in particular.

and all the time people are dying and starving and getting divorced and yelling. and no one's happy anymore. because no one tusts anyone, no one understands anyone.. best frinds fall out of touch, parents abandon kids for booze, drugs are take, diseases are sread.. and we run around acting liike this is really living.

but what do i know about living? nothing. i might as well have been dead for the last 20 years because my life has amounted to pretty much nothing at this point. i have nothing to really show for where i've been except for emotional scars. i can barely remember anything good about my life. and i know people are going to read this and get offended that i'm not saying "oh blah blahis a good part of my life."

that's becase that's a given. if you didn't make me happy i wouldn't talk to you. i wouldn't date you, i wouldn't be your friend. so yes, my friends and boyfriend are amazing.

but they are never around.
and i never have the energy to talk to them.
much less know what i want to say to them.

i just.. sometimes i think i would be better off all alone. then i can't feel like i'm ruining anyone's life. i don't have to worry about not being alive. i wouldn't have to feel heart ache or know that i traumatized someone, which apparently i do on at least a bi-monthly basis. i can't do anything right.

and i know that sounds like a little kid talking, but it's true. i can't fucking do anything right. i just.. after everything i've ever done, i haven't once really felt proud enough of what i've done to remember it. i don't remember ever being rewarded for doing something right. i just don't really exist.

maybe that's my problem.. i'm a non-entity. i don't really exist in people's lives unless i'm right in front of them. which is fine i guess, but it makes me feel so worthless. and i'm sure i do the same thing to other people. we're busy, of course we aren't always thinking about everyone else. i just miss the days when friends were your life and even though there was drama, you still always had someone to go to when you felt bad.

i just...

i hate how things have become. maybe it's jst the winter or something, but everything is just too hard now. things never work out, people never change and nothing ever feels right.

i feel so disgusting in my body. i'm fat and ugly. 'm so bland and boring. no wonder i haven't made any new friends. i smile, am warm and friendly, but so insanely uninteresting that people avoid talking to me anymore.. which feels great.


it's like i've reached the end of the line at 20. i don't really want to experience anything else. there's nothing in the world i really want to do anymore. i don't see the point. if i died now, i don't think it would be that much of a tragic loss. i mean, i've been to a zoo and i've been to the science center.. i've watched shows about all the interesting places in the world. i've met lots of people. the only think i haven't done which would be nice to do before i die is go up in the space needle.

that would make my life.

but i won't ever happen. do you know how i know? because no one wants to spend the time waiting to get there with me and i don't want to experience it by myself. how lonely. and totally pointless. to do things alone.

anyway. this is long enough. and pointless enough, that i will stop writing and just forget that i have ever felt anything about these topics.
Post A Comment

rorin

12-06-08 1:39am

I've never forgotten about you, Amelia. I don't just forget to talk to you. I think about you or talk about you 24/7. Ask Ryan.
I just never know what to say. Everything I seem to say in these blogs are just stupid comments trying to encourage someone to do something that I won't even do which is try and be positive and look for a little hope for the future. I believe it 2,000% for the people I say it to but that doesn't mean any of my comments mean anything to you or anyone else for that matter. You'll just go on thinking your life means nothing and it will be like I never said anything in the first place. I'm not angry or sad or disappointed about it because I do the exact same thing. It's because we believe what we want to believe no matter what other people say. You can tell me to break up with Ryan but I'll never do it. I can tell you to be happy but you'll never even try to.

I haven't said anything because I feel like I need to impress you with something. I always feel so dull in comparison to you. Like you've lived away and you've changed alot and I'm just the same, boring. I've not done any growing as a person.

I also haven't talked to you or anyone because of me being busy. It's not just you, I'm too busy for everyone. I hung out with Anna this week. And she's the only person. I didn't even have anything interesting to talk about. It was basically just her talking the entire time and we didn't do anything fun but walk in the mall and me watch her play her new MMO. It was pleasant and everything being around someone else but it wasn't like it was absolutely amazing. All my other friends I've been trying to hang out with for a long ass time. You and Shane and Celeste and Josh... I'm waiting until I don't have to focus on school or work and that will be after next Wednesday. So I will call you then and we will do something and I hope you'll still want to and be able to. I can't even make time for Ryan and I live with him.

It's not that I'm trying to not spend time with you. It's what you're making it sound like. I'm just super stressed about my life right now too. It's taking a tole on me physically and mentally. I can't imagine what you feel like. But from what it sounds like you really need a friend right now and I'll be there for you but you just have to hold on a few more days until I can talk in person. You can call me and talk to me and everything I just won't be available physically for a while.

I know how you feel about this because it's the exact same way I felt when you never talked to me when you moved away. I felt like you didn't care about me anymore. I love you and care about you and you know why. And you shouldn't keep saying I don't or that it doesn't matter that I do. Because it does. And you do.

Right now has been time for me. Time that I have had to take to myself to think and shit. And once I'm done, you'll be the first one I call. Oh and sorry about the wall of text and the scattered thoughts. If you don't understand anything tell me and I'll elaborate.

(reply to this)

rorin

12-06-08 1:40am

And I'm sorry I haven't been there for you.
I really really want to.

(reply to this)

godessalthena

Re:, 12-06-08 2:33am

lauren i love you. you always say amazing things :)
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, and i didn't mean for it sound really harsh or accusing.. i just am frustated. i know you're busy, and that's fine, cuz i am too.

i wish i could be there for you, and i wish i could say amazing things to you... you're really amazing.
sorry i use amazing so much, long day at work, brain not working..

i can't wait to see you. and hang out and talk.
things have been really hard..
for everyone.
and they'll get better.. they just need a chance.
:)

(reply to comment)

rorin

Re: Re:, 12-06-08 12:49pm

It didn't sound like it was harsh to me. It sounded like you were being hard on yourself, though. You may not think you are, but you're new in the world and you can't expect for it all to be amazing right off the bat.

Try and look at the positives (again, I have to take my own advice):
1. You're alive and healthy, apart from your back which will get better eventually.
2. You have alot of love in your life. Sus and your family and your friends. We all love you. I think maybe your family just thinks they might be losing you...
3. It's only the beginning. You've got a long time to grow and make a family and be proud of your life.

You will get back on your feet. You will become independent. You will be happy. Don't ask how I know, I just know :) I know because I know you.

And I can't wait either...

(reply to comment)

oceanchild

12-06-08 10:29pm

Do you see a counselor about your depression? Even if it seems like it would be tedious or unhelpful, it might be something to consider.

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