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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 3-5-2009 at 10:22pm
Subject: RE: me
i hate how.. when i'm in the middle of a crisis.. it feels like i'm always facing it alone.

i cried today. i cried all day. there wasn't an hour that went by that there wasn't a tear on my face. some times i was full on sobbing, other times it's was the crying whine that i've developed.. but all fucking day i was crying or bawling.. at work, in front of everyone.

and only one person noticed.. or cared enough to say anything.

the worst part is that i didn't know what i was crying about. maybe it was about the fight last night, maybe it is just my medicine.. maybe it's the constant fighting with my friends and family.. maybe it's the stress of not fitting in at work.. maybe it's the fear that i'm going to be abandoned by everyone i love soon.. i have no idea, but..

i just can't stop crying. i've never felt this low in my whole entire life. i thought i knew what depressed was, but now i know, i had no fucking clue.

i have a problem. i huge problem. an addiction. i can't get it out of my head, i can't stop doing it. i just want to feel pain, i just want to hurt myself until i can't feel it anymore.. i want to hit myself and scratch myself and throw myself against walls and floors.. i just want to get the shit beaten out of me.. then maybe i'd stop being me. and i could be someone worthwhile.. someone i could love..

but every morning i wake up and have to look at myself in the mirror. i have to look at the scratches and scars on my arm and i have to live with it. i have to drive myself through traffic and avoid getting in an accident. i have to just wait until it's my natural time to go. i'm stuck in a prison. i'm stuck with the worst person i've ever met, and she's been with me since day one. and i'm so fucking sick of it. i'm so fucking sick of her. i don't even know who she is anymore.. it's fucking disgusting.

i have no one i can talk to. i have no one who i can just freely say these things. i have no way to get all these horrible monsters out of my veins so maybe i could feel human again. all i ever hear is "i don't want to hear it" "i don't need this right now" "you aren't any of those things" "you're beautiful.." etc.. etc.. and i just don't need to hear those things.. i just need someone to hold me.. and to listen to all the mean things i have to say.. and someone to just let me cry.. and cry and cry until i bleed.. so i can finally feel.. human.

but no one will. no one ever will. i have to pay to get that. and i want to pay to get that. i don't feel comfortable saying how i really feel to anyone but a paid stranger, because it doesn't matter if they think less of me or if they love me less afterwards, they don't matter in my life. they aren't someone who's important to me. and i know you're thinking "i won't think less of you, i won't love you any less" but it doesn't matter. that could be true, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't change the fact that you all scare the living shit out of me and i can't say the things i need to say to make me feel better.

i'm a prisoner of myself.
and i lost the key a long time ago.

i just.. want to leave this life. i want to leave this pain behind. and leave my monsters in the closet..

i just.. don't have the tools. or the opportunity..

and the two people who could help me, scare me more than any other people in the whole world. so i won't ask for their help. and i won't ask for their love. i'd rather suffer than disappoint them or feel rejected by them again..


.. (how did my life get so fucked up?)

i'm so tired of feeling alone.
i'm so tired of being scared.
i'm so tired of being disappointed.

.. i'm so fucking tired of me..

i'm sorry.

i really do love all of you.

i just fucking hate myself.
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lillypad

03-06-09 1:59am

There are times in my life when I feel the very same way.

It's unbearable I know...

...I wish it were something bffffffffff's could change...

I guess the only useful thing I could say is...as events in your life unfold, hopefully you'll have other things to think about, focus on, or feel so it will not always as bad as it is right now.

I love you.

(reply to this)

rorin

03-07-09 2:52am

How would beating yourself make you someone you could love?

I'm afraid for you, Amelia. Have you contemplated calling the suicide help line? I've thought about doing it a couple of times. I don't think they can tell you that you're beautiful because they don't know you. And I don't think they can tell you that things will get better (because that might be a liability thing). I'm not quite sure what they would say, if anything. Maybe they will just listen... or maybe that you just need to plug along and what will unfold will unfold and all you have to do is deal with it. That's what I'd say. It's pretty harsh. But there are times I have felt like what I perceive this feeling to be. One day imparticular, December 11, 2004. You know why.

But I don't really want to talk about that. Maybe all you need to do is think about what makes you happy. Like put all the negative things in the back of your head: fights, money, your job, what you think you are... And maybe focus on what you love or have loved in life. Think about Seattle or giraffes or the little girl you want. I think the most promising is your future child. And the feeling you once had in that dream of being a mother. You felt like someone else was counting on you and that was your source of comfort. Well think about how you will be when you have a child. Don't focus on worrying about if you'll fuck up. What I do when I think about my future family is little snippets of fun times like playing on the play ground, chasing the waves on the beach, or cooking with them in the kitchen. Think about how happy you will be when you first hear her read to you. Or when you go to get matching tattoos when she turns 18. Make this little escape for yourself in the people you will love and whenever you feel yourself drifting back into crying, make them tears of joy.

I think this may be a turning point in your life. It could go one of two ways. Since it's already the lowest it could be, it could end, or it could be a new beginning. This day could force you into wanting a better life for yourself. You can't count on anyone else to make your life happier. Which is a depressing thought within itself. The first place to begin is with yourself. To improve your life, improve your self-image. I've always had issues with self perception. Tell yourself a few things every day like... I'm smart, I'm independent, I'm beautiful, I'm positive. It sounds really stupid but I did it and I've become alot happier than I was only a little bit ago. Another thing that helped me was to remove the long mirrors. I'm not always focusing on my weight now. It may have gotten me a little plumper, but it makes me a great deal happier because it's not always on my mind. Another thing to do is to get organized. I don't know if you are already but if you aren't, it's a good step to just get rid of clutter that's not necessary. I also love doing stuff that I love, like watching a happy movie. B-horror flicks can be fun but they leave you feeling a bit negative when everyone dies... then you wish it were you. A better film would be a comedy. Then you can wish you were laughing... and with a good one you will be! :)

I'm not really sure what else to say. Be with people who make you happy, not depressed or stressed out. I hear you really love being with Josh because he's convenient and funny and welcoming. I'm not quite sure what else to say. If you don't want to hear suggestions, just ignore this whole post.... :P

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godessalthena

Re:, 03-07-09 1:22pm

thanks for your optimism..
but to be honest i don't think i'm ever going to have a kid.
i don't even know if i can stand being around kids, i never have been involved with children at all.
so.. that's a dream i know is probably not going to happen..

i know i have to just deal with it. just suck it up and deal with it.
those little things never work for me. so i'm all alone in this.

and i just need to accept it.


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rorin

Re: Re:, 03-07-09 2:19pm

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you.

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