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| godsconcern (profile) wrote, on 3-23-2010 at 3:08am | |
| So life is going in several odd directions at once. I feel like im at a very odd place in my life at the moment. I recently (within the last month) broke it off with a wonderful girl. Now I suppose when I call her wonderful it sounds like I regret my decision, but this is not the case. I call her wonderful simply because she was truly a great person. It just was not what I wanted. I was not happy in the relationship which is shitty because she really did not do much wrong at all. Sure, she was a bit possessive and clingy, and jealous, and controlling, but those qualities are what makes up nearly every human being, myself included. Call it selfishness and immaturity on my part, but it was not making me happy, and I did not see the point in staying in a relationship that im having no fun in. Im 21 years old. Im to young to be stuck in a relationship im not having a blast in. That comes when im 35 and stuck in a dead end job with a mortgage and a wife that is letting herself go. Im constantly tired these days. Im working more than ever, and im not entirely sure why. I have always been a work-a-holic and I think that is when im the most peaceful. When I bury myself in work and dont have the time to sit back and look at where my life is going. Because when I do do that, im not always fond of the portrait my mind paints. I have a lot of plans filled with grandeur and everything seems so amazing when I think them out, but I am far to realistic and cynical for my own good. I want to go to college to become a teacher, and before I even dip my foot in that, I think how unstable and low paying that job is. It makes me nervous because I am not exactly sure what it is that I want to do. Im not going to be young forever and thus need to figure some shit out. Sometimes I think I would prefer to live alone. I have two roomates, and they are both very very cool people, but I feel as if I am to unlike them. Sure, sometimes I get wild and want to party and be silly and fun and be impish all over again, and sometimes I just want to come home to a nice quiet house and play a bit of Wii with a nice cold beer without having several people over. And yet, it can be the exact opposite on other nights. I can come home after a long day of work and sit down with one of them and just shoot the shit, and when they are not there I get despondent. I guess im a pretty inconsistent guy. I suppose thats why friendships and relationships always have an expiration date on them when it comes to me. I think I would enjoy the quiet time and solitude of my own place, but knowing myself, I would probably not go out much after that and thus spiral into a lonely and boring world. So I like a girl a bit, but I think it is only because she has recently caught my eye and seems fun and interesting. I know these things never last, especially when the girl in question is still very hung up on someone. I keep falling for the same girl. Young, scene/indie (which in my mind always means, at first anyway, that they are going to be very interesting and unique, and almost always end up being the same as everyone else). They always seem to be heavy gossipers, and always in the same group of friends as all my exes. Which doesnt really go well with the whole gossip deal. I have recently taken to hanging out with an older crowd (late twenties, early thirties) and am finding that I love it. Maybe it is because they have grown out of their immaturity, or just because they have so much I can learn from, but everything seems simple and easy when we hang out. I really must make more time for them, and less time with the crowd I hang out with now, because I find myself feeling unfulfilled by them. A bit more on me. Im young, stupid, reckless, bad with money. I enjoy a beer. I enjoy the company of girls. I dont do drugs. Im huge into bikes of all sorts. I used to be quite the writer, and want desperatly to get back into it, but I fear I was never as good as I thought I was. I fancy myself to be artistic and intelligent and clever, but I know none of the above is true. Im concieted, annoying, and feel like im own things because of my military service and my time spent in Iraq, although I know that is silly and wrong of me. I love sex, and I feel that we as a people are not having enough of it. Im a very open guy. |
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loonygoth | 03-23-10 10:09am you remind me of me!
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loonygoth | Re: , 03-23-10 10:12am as for college and teaching- just do it!
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godsconcern | Re: Re: , 03-23-10 11:35am Words of wisdom my friend |