godsconcern's Journal

godsconcern's Journal

:: 2010 17 November :: 12.22 am

I am nervous for what the future may hold. But I'm also incredibly excited. I'm not sure why I am so nervous to go to college. I mean, I joined the army for Christ sakes. I did a year in Iraq! And since I've been out I've become a teacher at a small private school. So if I have accomplished so much already why does this fill me with murky dread?

Nevertheless, I am doing it. I'm boldy going where thousands of broke kids have gone before. And I'm going with my best friend, so it is not all bad.

Things otherwise have been ok. I live in a world of stress and doubt, but I keep my head above water thanks to my friends. I continue to make poor choices, but hey, isn't that what being young is about?

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:: 2010 7 November :: 1.04 am

You're going to have to forgive me if there are any typos in this post, I'm updating from my iPhone in the back of a cramped mustang that is hurtling down 275.

You know, I spent a while browsing my old posts and then I read through some fellow woohu users posts ( woohuers?) and I noticed that the majority of the posts have a pretty depressing tone to them. This is different from past sites I've been on. I mean, I'm a bit of a blogger so I've used livejournal, blogger, tumblr, and Andes other sites. And some concurrently! But woohu is the only one I ever truly vent. I wonder of it's because it's not as mainstream, sothe likely hood of someone we know in the real world stumblig on it is pretty slim.

But enough about talking about venting, on to the act of it!

It's been a few days since menand MIndie have been over. My moods come and go. I'll go from being ok to being pretty down. But I know I made the right choice. I'm hoping we can keep this amieble but I'm not sure it's going to happen. But I know I don't need a girl t be happy. I'm going to miss her smile but I missed mine even more.

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:: 2010 5 November :: 9.15 am

You know, they say the first two weeks after a break up are the hardest. I guess we will see. It's funny. I know that me and mindie would not have worked. We were in a very destructive relationship, and towards the end we were just two bitter kids, waiting the other one out. But it wasn't always like that. At one point we were the happiest kids on earth. We went everywhere together. We spent every second together. She knew how to make my grilled cheese sandwiches just right, and I knew all her favorite sushi bars and which rolls she liked best. I knew that she loved Buffy and she knew that I loved angel. We were horrible singers and dancers, but anytime we heard a song we liked we boogied our asses off.

This all may sound like I wish we were still together. I don't. I know we can't work together. But I miss when we didn't realize that. Now is my reflection time. Maybe it's time to get back in touch with old friends. I don't née a girl to e happy. All I need is my friends, my family, and good weather. :)

On a side note I've been talking to Jocelyn a lot lately. At first it was weird, but when I decide to stop being embarrassed for my past actions and talk and have fun, it felt natural! I'm glad we can talk now. She used to know every inch of my mind. And she wasn't scared of telling me how it is. I need that haha. I need someone who will put me in my place sometime. I need to see the Forrest from the trees.

And I am insanely excited to move out of this town soon. I need some fresh faces and places.

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:: 2010 9 October :: 1.16 pm

Its back and forth back and forth. Time to make some choices. Life is good. Life is confusing. I am young but feel old. I am getting older, but feel young. I am irrational, irresponsible, immature. I am to rational, to responsible, and to mature. I am wishy washy.

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:: 2010 28 August :: 12.58 am

Ive been browsing through my old posts, and it seems as if I have set a pattern for myself. It goes something like:

Be alone (thus be lonely, although the two should not go hand in hand)
Be miserable.
Find girl.
Get overwhelmed with joy.
Break up with said girl.
Be alone.
Find girl.

Ect. Ect.

I mean, this was fine when I was 17, but damn, Im 22 now. You would think by now I would find some form of stability. Or at least be content for more than 6 months at a time. Well I say no more. No longer am I going to measure my happiness with how much sex Im having or whether or not I have a girl friend. I will be happy with myself. Maybe thats what I've needed all along. Maybe I just need to be content with being alone before I can be content with being with girl.

Or maybe this is how it is for everyone. Maybe im not so crazed after all. I would like to look at some normal relationships or normal people to try and take pointers, but alas! I can not find them. Are the abnormal actually normal? And yes, i realize that I am simply rambling and spewing out meaningless self important shit, but so what. I've had a long night. I seem to have found my way into a relationship with a girl that is quite amazing. She makes me laugh, she is beautiful in every sense of the word, and she is eerily intelligent. We are so compatible in so many different ways. And yet we cant seem to stay happy. She does not trust me. Her mind is constantly consumed with doubt. She questions every move I make. More often than not she keeps her queries to herself, but sometimes she lets herself slip. I would be fine with her doubt if I gave reason for it, but I have not! I have pretty much cut myself off from all female friends (minus my best friend/ roomate steph) and honestly dont even look at other woman. I simply would not have time to have an affair! Mindy is at my side nearly every second of every day. Since april we have not spent a full 24 hours apart. Since April, we have shared a bed except for roughly 5 times. So no! I have not been seeing another girl. Nor have I even been talking to another girl. Mindy's suspicion is nothing but pure insecurity. And it is driving me insane. I mean, I can not get mad at her for the way she feels. Its not like I can tell her to no longer have an emotion. She blames it on the way past men have treated her. I say neigh. I think its the fact that she is only 19. Just a year out of highschool. I dont think she is ready for the relationship I assumed we were embarking on. In my mind, I envisioned something a bit more mature. We could have friends still. We would not need to be around the other person every second of the day. We would trust that person. The amount of sex we have should not constitute how happy we are!

But instead we seem to be stuck in 11th grade somehow. Where there is constant jealousy and pointless nothing fights. If I had a dollar for every time she has said she was leaving me and packing up all her stuff, I would be able to buy a pack of smokes! (they are quite expensive now you know.)

And did I mention she has been unemployed for nearly two months? At first this did not bother me. She lives in my apt, and I usually paid for most things anyway. But it got to a point where I think I was starting to resent her because we were constantly so damn broke, and she never seemed to care. Sure, I still had to take her on trips and buy her small presents, which meant I had to pick up a heavier work load. But she sat at home all day, while I was working, so she was bored. However, I would be quite tired and want to sleep because I would have work the next morning. But nope.

Goodness listen to be rant. I feel sorry for any fool who stumbles on this blog.

Look, I dont really know what to do anymore. Half of me says we have gone to far in the abyss. Things will only continue getting worse, so why bother prolonging the inevitable? But then the other half wants to fight. She is a great amazing special girl. But can i do it? And more over, will she allow me to try? Surely she must be asking herself this same question. Cut and run, or stay and fight? Oh deary me. I seem to have found myself in quite the pickle again.

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:: 2010 26 June :: 10.32 pm

Life has been momentous. Life has been stupendous. Everything has been just right. Its been truly amazing. God, please let it go on like this forever.

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:: 2010 24 March :: 1.09 pm

Now the really hard part comes
So me and Lex have been broken up long enough for her to start talking too other guys, and Lexie is the kind of girl who will sleep with a guy to get over her ex. And as much as it shouldnt bother me, especially because I was the one that broke it off, I know it is going too. She’s posting all this shitty stuff on facebook about how shes got no strings now and wants to go out and meet some guys, and nows a good time for her to make bad choices. It bothers me. I have to keep my emotions in check. I know once she starts chatting up a guy, im going to get overly jealous, and possibly want her back, simply because she will be with someone else. I know this is a bullshit way of thinking and feeling. I have to stop myself from getting that far. The only way I can do that is to not even think about her, put her out of my mind, stay off her facebook. But its hard! I need distractions.

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:: 2010 23 March :: 10.13 pm

The world is just awesome. No sarcasm.
Ok so I spoke too soon. Stephanie cleaned up even more after I did and the place looks terrific. Ive had one hell of a day, involving annoying girls, a bad back, guns, drug dealers, and fender benders. How strange my life can be.

I am frustrated at the moment. I have silly, childish feelings for someone I shouldnt. I know its not a serious thing, and once again, as previously stated, its just something new and exciting. But this lady friend of mine is still very much into a friend of mine. Which is a dangerous minefield to be running around in. Whats worse is, I feel like I should have not mentioned my feelings, but being the naively truthful person I am, I did say something, and now I feel like a tool. But alas! You can not take things back, nor would I really want too. Wants life without stirring shit up every once in awhile. I have work tomorrow in naples for three days. I always enjoy the beginning of these three day work scedules, because it gives people a break from me, and vice versa. I know that I can be loud, pessimistic and obnoxious and when I leave for a few days everyone gets a break from that. And in turn, most of my friends have similar qualities that are not the best and when I leave I get to escape them. And then when my three day shift is over, im usually so exhausted and happy to be home that I am so excited too see them all.

Overall, life is going well. Sure, there are some speedbumps here and there, but no one ever said the road of life was a smooth one. Im happy right now, and hopefully it will stay that way. Oh and I trimmed my beard! Actually I almost got rid of the whole thing. Im thinking of just shaving it all, but then I cant be cool and indie like everyone else. Oh what to do, what to do. Until next time! (probably around 2 am, hopefully drunk) I hope whoever is reading this is having a swell day.

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:: 2010 23 March :: 3.08 am

So life is going in several odd directions at once. I feel like im at a very odd place in my life at the moment. I recently (within the last month) broke it off with a wonderful girl. Now I suppose when I call her wonderful it sounds like I regret my decision, but this is not the case. I call her wonderful simply because she was truly a great person. It just was not what I wanted. I was not happy in the relationship which is shitty because she really did not do much wrong at all. Sure, she was a bit possessive and clingy, and jealous, and controlling, but those qualities are what makes up nearly every human being, myself included. Call it selfishness and immaturity on my part, but it was not making me happy, and I did not see the point in staying in a relationship that im having no fun in. Im 21 years old. Im to young to be stuck in a relationship im not having a blast in. That comes when im 35 and stuck in a dead end job with a mortgage and a wife that is letting herself go.

Im constantly tired these days. Im working more than ever, and im not entirely sure why. I have always been a work-a-holic and I think that is when im the most peaceful. When I bury myself in work and dont have the time to sit back and look at where my life is going. Because when I do do that, im not always fond of the portrait my mind paints. I have a lot of plans filled with grandeur and everything seems so amazing when I think them out, but I am far to realistic and cynical for my own good. I want to go to college to become a teacher, and before I even dip my foot in that, I think how unstable and low paying that job is. It makes me nervous because I am not exactly sure what it is that I want to do. Im not going to be young forever and thus need to figure some shit out.

Sometimes I think I would prefer to live alone. I have two roomates, and they are both very very cool people, but I feel as if I am to unlike them. Sure, sometimes I get wild and want to party and be silly and fun and be impish all over again, and sometimes I just want to come home to a nice quiet house and play a bit of Wii with a nice cold beer without having several people over. And yet, it can be the exact opposite on other nights. I can come home after a long day of work and sit down with one of them and just shoot the shit, and when they are not there I get despondent. I guess im a pretty inconsistent guy. I suppose thats why friendships and relationships always have an expiration date on them when it comes to me. I think I would enjoy the quiet time and solitude of my own place, but knowing myself, I would probably not go out much after that and thus spiral into a lonely and boring world.

So I like a girl a bit, but I think it is only because she has recently caught my eye and seems fun and interesting. I know these things never last, especially when the girl in question is still very hung up on someone. I keep falling for the same girl. Young, scene/indie (which in my mind always means, at first anyway, that they are going to be very interesting and unique, and almost always end up being the same as everyone else). They always seem to be heavy gossipers, and always in the same group of friends as all my exes. Which doesnt really go well with the whole gossip deal. I have recently taken to hanging out with an older crowd (late twenties, early thirties) and am finding that I love it. Maybe it is because they have grown out of their immaturity, or just because they have so much I can learn from, but everything seems simple and easy when we hang out. I really must make more time for them, and less time with the crowd I hang out with now, because I find myself feeling unfulfilled by them.

A bit more on me.

Im young, stupid, reckless, bad with money. I enjoy a beer. I enjoy the company of girls. I dont do drugs. Im huge into bikes of all sorts. I used to be quite the writer, and want desperatly to get back into it, but I fear I was never as good as I thought I was. I fancy myself to be artistic and intelligent and clever, but I know none of the above is true. Im concieted, annoying, and feel like im own things because of my military service and my time spent in Iraq, although I know that is silly and wrong of me. I love sex, and I feel that we as a people are not having enough of it. Im a very open guy.

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:: 2009 14 November :: 4.23 pm

Life is simply amazing right now. I could not ask for more bliss.

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:: 2009 22 August :: 2.58 pm

Im in love

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:: 2009 2 August :: 1.57 pm

Im 21.

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:: 2009 30 July :: 6.16 pm

I am so tired all the time. 18 days until america.

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:: 2009 23 July :: 11.31 pm

Just got out of the shower. I feel great. Life in general is great right now. becca is out of my mind for now, been talking to steph, jen lustig, and colleen alot. Just good times

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