09-22-12 6:15pm

I know exactly where you're coming from. I am just living day after day, hating my life more as the minutes tick. I regret so much in my life - the things I didn't do, the things I have done. What I would've done different. I'm not here to say life is worth living, because most of the time it feels like it's not. There are those rare moments though where I feel a small bit of happiness, but it's all ruined seconds later remembering how much this shit sucks and how much I want out. I'm just afraid if I were to die, I would miss an opportunity that would've guided me and helped make my life a little easier and then I'd be regretful because I'd be dead. It's just a never ending cycle of "what if's"...

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Re: , 09-22-12 8:04pm

I feel that exact same way. SO much regret and disappointment with myself. And like you said, I do have moments or a day here and there where things are good, but then they just drop down so low again. I feel like I've experienced the best times of my life already and there's no point going on any further. Also like you say, once we're dead, for all we know we might find out amazing things that would have happened in our futures that would make us regret suicide. And then things could potentially suck even more because we wouldn't get a do-over. People are always telling me that if I'm not happy I need to do the work to make myself happy, but it's like, no matter what I do or don't do in life, the end result is still death, so why bother dragging it out?

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Re: Re: , 09-23-12 7:12pm

I try to look on the brighter side and be as optimistic as I possibly can, but my mind races in all sorts of different directions and I just can't help but tell myself what a shitty person I've become and what a disappointment I must be to my parents. I just can't help it. It all comes out. And then I become so emotional from all of these thoughts that I just grab another doughnut and cry myself to sleep. It's such a shame. I never thought I'd see myself here in this position, ever. But I am, and I would like to think that this is rock bottom, because if it isn't, I don't want to know what is.

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Re: Re: Re: , 09-24-12 12:18am

I feel that I am a disappointment, also. I'm unemployed, I've dropped out of college twice, and I essentially wasted all of the money my grandmother left me when she died. I've ruined my life with drug addiction. For the most part I've cut that out, at least, I'm not ended up in hospitals every few months for overdoses, but even though I've given up my " problem drug " it seems like my life hasn't really improved. No, I'm not ending up in ERs and psych wards, which is nice, but other than that, everything is still pretty much the same, so it almost seems like there's no point in staying clean and that if I started using again, maybe the next time I had a massive overdose I could avoid a hospital and just die somewhere. Even on my good days I can't that I'd mind that. I can't usually cry, and to me, that sucks. When I don't feel completely shitty, I'm basically numb, which is horrible, too. Sometimes I emotionally eat, but more often I just have another cigarette ( I always tell people smoking is my way to ensure that I don't live too long ) and sometimes I stay up all night for almost two nights straight just to feel better or at the very least to feel different. Medication and therapy never changed anything for me. I try to tell myself that if I'm not going to commit suicide, I might as well try to enjoy life, but in my eyes, there's really nothing left to enjoy. My heart is with you.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-24-12 9:57pm

I dropped out of college twice also. School has never been my thing. I tried to like it and get by, but it's just not the right time for it, I suppose. I would like to get some kind of degree, though. We'll see.
I am flat broke. Whatever I make in a week's paycheck, which is nothing, I spend immediately for bills. There is no possibility for saving money right now.
I never got into hard drugs. I smoked cigarettes, but not for long. I'm too cheap. I did read back a few pages on your journal. I see you've been an addict for a while, and I can't imagine how hard the struggle is. My father was a severe alcoholic, but he was 9 years sober this summer. There is that will power to remain sober. But a lot of it has to do with finding some sort of higher power, and if someone doesn't believe in one, they say it's harder to get sober. I wouldn't know.
It's nice to know that someone feels, hurts, and thinks almost the same as I when it comes to this subject. To be completely honest, I'm too scared to end my life. I wouldn't be able to do it. But I guess it's good to know that it will always be there. BUT do I want it to be? I'd rather find a way to be happy than end it all. I'd miss it. Living. It sucks 99.9% of the time, but those rare moments I feel invincible and alive, it's what gets me through it all now.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-25-12 5:54pm

I, too, have no money for school. I found an on line college that only assigns one course at a time which could be perfect for me, but I have a ton of medical debt and although the admissions guy I spoke to told me that you're credit history doesn't matter when it comes to student loans, I somehow just can't believe that. I commend your father for that. Pathetically enough, I was addicted to DXM/cough medicine for about five years. Even though there are no physical withdrawals involved ( not in my case, anyway ), the psychological addiction has been so much harder to break through. I tried NA but even though I do believe in God, I couldn't grasp the higher power thing in the way they were talking about it. I believe ( and I think some of the NA literature even says this ) that true sobriety isn't just not using, it's a state of mind, an enlightenment. And I really never got that. My life is so unsatisfying that if my parents wouldn't kick me out for using, I would much rather deal with the bad side of using DXM and the stays in psych wards than just drift through life being numb and disdainful. To me, even a false happiness from drugs is better than no happiness and at least before I come down into the depression ( in which case I can just use some more and go right back up ) I can feel amazing. Even though I haven't used DXM for a long, I'm still using other things whenever I can. I don't do any hard stuff, though. The urge to get messed up has never left me and when it comes down to the moment when I NEED to get messed up, I will use whatever I can that's not DXM. I resort to overdosing on Benedryl sometimes. And since I moved out here to New Hampshire a month and a half ago, I have considered using DXM again every God damn day and it's really wearing on me and might end up breaking me down. I'm scared to end my life, too. One of the biggest reasons I want to is because the love of my life died and I long to be with him again. But what if I kill myself and that's not how it turns out? It is a comfort to me, too, to know the option is there if things ever get too bad. And also for me, for some reason I NEED to believe that I am " hardcore " or " badass " enough ( stupid, I know ) to be able to do that. One of my best friends killed himself a couple of years ago. And I kind of looked up to him so I think, if HE could do, I should be able to. The only times I really feel invincible and alive is when I'm on DXM. Or sometimes when I'm listening to just the right song that completely enraptures me. Whenever I feel I'm getting close to suicide, the first thought that usually runs through my head is that if I do it, I'll never be able to listen to music again.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-25-12 10:14pm

Having good/bad/no credit does not effect your loan application for it. They will accept you no matter what, because it's a federal loan. You MUST pay the loan back, or you will be arrested. Compared to credit card debt, you have the option of filing for bankruptcy if you can't afford to pay it back, but it ruins your credit forever.
NA and AA are all about the higher power, letting go and letting God do his magic. It is a state of mind, that is for sure. My father is always ranting about it, and sometimes I don't want to hear it, but if it's what helps keep him sober, I'll let it go.
Addiction is a powerful thing. I've tried weed, acid, PCP, and shrooms, and have had a bad trip on all of them except pot. I think that's what scared me away from the addiction of any of them, and harder drugs. Once in a while, I will smoke pot, but not to often due to being randomly drug tested at my job. I rarely drink, but when I do, I can't stop. I would like to believe that it's the Irish in me.
Going through life being a numb, emotionless, robot is crappy. I've been there, and at times, am still there. Depression is a shitty thing, and I can see why someone can turn to a drug to find happiness and be invincible.
I read your blog entry. I am sorry to hear about him. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel. Do you think that that is what he would want for you though? To hurt yourself and be with him on the other side? I would like to think that he wants much more for you. The same for your friend who killed himself. Maybe they will live through you now? (These are the kinds of things that run through my head about a few people whom I went to high school with. What if they changed their mind before it was too late, and now they live in darkness for eternity regretting it?) And your need to feel badass about being brave enough to do it. It's not that the idea is stupid, I just don't understand?
As I think about suicide at least once a day, I also think about all the good I would leave behind. My cats (I am that crazy cat lady), the few friends I have, my family, my photography, and countless others... I would miss it all too much. I think I'd rather spend however long I have left on earth surrounding myself around these things that hang out with nobody and only have the memories of living. I suppose I'm getting better and more aware of how real suicide is by talking with you about it. Thanks! The only person I ever talked to about it with was my sister, and she's now in a psych ward for attempting suicide. I think that was the real wake up call for me (and hopefully her)...

On a side note, I've been to NH more times than I can count. I find it so beautiful up there. My family and I used to rent a condo and go skiing ever winter around Super Bowl weekend. Haven't done it in a few years due to having no money... but I love the scenery and wildlife. I'm sure it's way different living there than just visiting though. I hope the town you live in grows on you.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-26-12 1:15am

Well, I'm very glad to hear about the loans. Thank you for confirming that. I do believe God works magic because I have had some confirmation of that in the form of complete strangers asking if they can pray for me and holding me while they do because I was in such a shit place at the time, and this other lady used to come through my line when i was a cashier at job lot. i thought she was nuts because she was freaking out about a necklace i had on saying it was evil and that if i threw it away she would give me a real gold cross. this was the first time i had ever met her. the next day she came back and apologized so i thought she might not be too crazy and then she said, " i only said it because i love you. " And I was thinking, " What the hell!!?!! I don't even know this woman! " Then I went to work at Stop and Shop and low and behold she came through my line there, too, so I thought some weird divine intervention thing may have been going on, but it was probably coincidence. But then, I went to work at Hannaford in the produce department and ran into her there, too! So I finally just listened to her and kind of made friends with her and she gave me these little Jesus cards that I think I still have somewhere. I knew it couldn't just be coincidence anymore. But the way they talk about a higher power in NA, I just can't grasp. And as I said, I haven't felt any particular enlightenment and still want to use every single day. But I agree that if that's what works for someone then they should stick to it. You probably know this, but alcoholism is genetic, too, so that probably has something to do with your drinking. One of my problems that includes but is not limited to alcohol is that when I get fucked up, I really have no limit and want to just get as high/messed up as I can. It has been a very painful process dealing with the loss of Corey. Most of the time these days I'm pretty okay with it because so much time has passed but it is something that will always remain a stain on my heart and soul. It didn't help that I actually woke up on his dead body, although I am glad that I was the last person with him when he was alive and luckily enough, we had spent the night before confessing how deep our love for each other was and how happy we made each other. I know he wouldn't want me to kill myself. He thought suicide was stupid and cowardly. And many other people have asked me if I think that's what he would want. But I just say, well, it really doesn't matter what he would or wouldn't have wanted. To a certain degree, I don't care because I didn't want him to take methadone and die and I've been considering suicide since 11, so his death would in a way be the " excuse " I've been waiting for. As for Gustavo ( the one who purposely killed himself ), well, I don't believe he would want me dead, but one night when I was hanging out with him
I mentioned that I had been thinking about killing myself and he started crying and begging me to kill myself with him that very night. Despite my suicidal urges, I don't consider myself depressed, per se. Unhappy, yes, but I experienced an incredibly deep depression when I was 13 and it didn't feel like I do now. As for my feeling bad ass? Well, people always say that suicide is an act of cowardice and in a way I agree because you are taking the ultimate step to avoid dealing with any and all things in life, but I also think it takes an insane amount of courage to kill yourself. Otherwise people wouldn't be scared of doing it. I don't feel they really have a right to live through me, anyway, because they were the ones who made their decisions and if they regret it, it's their own damn faults, just as it would be mine if I committed suicide. I used to have this kind of vision that there was a metaphorical cliff on the top of my head and that Corey and Gustavo were standing on the edge of it beckoning me saying, " Come on! Trust us! It's better over here! " I'm glad talking with me is helping you. It's helping me, too. It's been years since I've had such in depth and personal communication with someone. When I would fantasize about suicide in my teen years, I already envisioned all the pain and suffering it would put everyone through and while I do think it would be selfish to do that and even though I've experienced the pain of losing people I love dearly, I think it is also selfish to insist that someone stay alive just because you want them to if they don't want to. Am I happier with Gustavo dead? Of course not. But I know he was in a lot of pain and I think that he is happier now that he's dead. I can't know that for sure, of course, but you could see the weight of the world in his eyes and I think that for him, he made the right decision. I don't necessarily advocate suicide, but I do advocate the right to choose. I know that sounds messed up. But it is a fact that if someone wants to die that badly that it is their choice to do so. I think about good things, too, like the laughing fits my mom and I put each other into and how devastated she would be if I died. I usually try and block those thoughts out because when I want to do it I just want to fucking do it and don't want to think of anything that will stand in my way. But I, too, would miss my cat. He's really my mom's, as she is his main caretaker, but he's still my buddy and we love each other a lot. Like I said before I think of music. And another big thing I think about is that if I die now, I'll never have the experience of being a parent which is something I've wanted since I was 15. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. When I was reading your entries I kept seeing that you missed her and that she was moved to a treatment center and I assumed it was for drugs, but now I know. I didn't want to ask because it's a personal issue and I didn't want to invade your privacy. Suicide is such a hard topic because even though a lot of the time I want it for myself and don't particularly care if I have a happy life or if I just off myself, my heart hurts for and goes out to the people who are in so much pain that they want to do that. I want to tell each and every one of them that even if I don't know them I love them and they ARE worth it. At the same time, though, if a friend came to me and said, " I've thought about every possible angle and consequence of this and I've made the decision that I'm going to kill myself. " I would tell them that I love them and that I would miss them, maybe to the point where I would commit suicide myself if they died, but that if that's what they really feel they need to do, then to do what they feel is best for them. I know some of my feeling like that comes from the jadedness I've gained through Corey and Gustavo. But as much as I believe people should have the right to have an abortion, I also believe that people should have a right to kill themselves if that is what they truly want. I'm not trying to be insensitive or anything and I'm of course glad your sister didn't die and I certainly don't like the fact that everyone who loves someone suicidal is and would be put through so much pain if they went through with it, but ultimately, it is up to the person in question and whether or not they believe their life is worthwhile. New Hampshire is beautiful, in some areas, I haven't seen too much of it, but my family and I did drive up to Vermont a couple weeks ago and the ride back was absolutely gorgeous. I don't know if it will grow on me. I'm sure I'd be happier with the town and the move itself if I were happier in general. And if I actually had money and friends and a life up here.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-28-12 6:12pm

That's a beautiful story, meeting that woman in every place you worked. I'm unsure if I believe in a god, I would consider myself more... spiritual, maybe? But she was like your guardian angel... that's amazing.
I too think suicide is selfish. It's the easy way out, instead of facing your fears and doing what's "right". My father always explained it to me like that, and I believe it. But I also think that if you are truly unhappy, and can't find peace or love yourself enough to try and fix what's wrong - by all means, do what you think is best. That's a lot of what my struggle is. I have a lot of self-hate for the way my life turned out. It's no one's fault but mine. But I was, and still am I guess, looking for it. I'm just hoping for a miracle to help me, inside of doing it myself. I loathe and love myself in different ways. I love who I am, inside. I'm generous, helpful, caring, incredibly understanding, out-going but an introvert at the same time, smart (street smart, not book smart), loving, good character, and all together, I have a damn good head on my shoulders. But I just hate what I am on the outside. It takes some work, though, obviously, to love yourself inside and out.

I don't even know your name, but you are by far the only person who understands where I'm coming from, besides my sister. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer and read my entries.

And to your most recent post, I am glad to see you are happy! The color changes on your blog made me do a double-take of your username just to make sure I was on the right page, haha.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 09-29-12 3:10am

Haha I had a similar reaction even though I'm the one that changed them. The weirdest thing about that story with the woman is that after she gave me the Jesus cards, I never saw her again. It was like she had fulfilled her purpose in my life and went on to help others that needed it or something. And yes, she probably was a guardian angel because she reminded me SO much of my grandmother who died when I was 17. I consider myself more spiritual as well. I have my own version of God. Not one that a bunch of other people created in their minds and are trying to convince me of. Organized religion is too cult-like for me. I do attend a Catholic service every now and again, because the churches are beautiful, but I was never baptized or anything, which I am very thankful for. I have had the exact same feeling about my life. I ruined and wasted just about everything I've ever had, from cars, to money, to relationships, to college, to my own sanity and self-esteem. This list is nearly endless. The two things I regret most of all, and that have contributed to me feeling like a horrible person are as follows: On the day Corey died, my intuition told me that that was exactly what was going to happen but I ceased to call 911 because of the peer pressure I felt from the young teenagers that were there and more concerned with not getting in trouble than they were about his life. And I went along with it. I was supposed to be his best friend, we were soul mates, the loves of each others' lives and I essentially just let him die. I don't know if I will ever fully forgive myself for that. I've pretty much come to terms with it, though, even though I am still ashamed of and disgusted with myself for my lack of action. I betrayed him in the worst possible way. But no matter how shitty it was, no matter what my motivations ( or lack thereof were ), the fact is, that all of it still happened and there is nothing I can do about it now except for repent to him in any way I can. I suppose I am doing so just by having to live out the rest of my life without him, but I still feel like it's not enough. I'm sure he forgives me, he visits me in my dreams quite often and he's always still deeply in love with and devoted to me. I just wish I could talk to him just once more. Just for two fucking minutes so I could say, " Corey, I love you so much and I am SO sorry! " and just give him one last hug and kiss. That's the main reason I want to die when I do, because I NEED him SO much. And there is no chance of me ever seeing him again unless there is some kind of afterlife. And that is the hardest fact to deal with. If I could kill myelf just to see if he'd be there and then come back to life, I'd do that. Another great regret is the fact that before my second best friend and soul mate, although in a different way than Corey, committed suicide in 2010, I had never made up with him after a sort of fight we had gotten into. He was awesome, too. He also visited me in my dreams, but only twice and it was back during the year he died. I had a dream of Corey the other night. In it, I told him I had been waiting for him to come back to life for SO long and he asked me if I still agreed to be with him forever. Freaky.

I despised myself, too, for a very long time because of those things, but I knew deep down that the person I was before all of my miserable bullshit occurred was still inside of me somewhere, so I was still holding out hope and love for her in case she came back. I don't know that I believe in miracles exactly, but certainly miraculous seeming events, such as near death experiences being only " near. " There were multiples occasions on which it was actually miraculous or at the very least REALLY lucky not to die. In any case, if you are searching for a miracle, I believe you can find one if you truly need to, even if you have to find it within yourself. Maybe an epiphany of sorts. I want to continue this but I am becoming too tired to think right now, so I will finish up with it at some point after i sleep.

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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 10-04-12 3:10pm

My name is Laura and I do try and understand people as much as I can. I think it's really important to try and help everyone we can, in any way we can. No problem about your reading your entries. I wanted to get to know you better and it was only fair since you were reading mine. You are the first person that's commented on any entries in years. Thank you for your happiness at my happiness lol! Things didn't work out with that particular guy, but it's alright. We had a good conversation and that was good enough. Plus I have a few interesting leads, one in particular who I think is even better. He is a lot like Corey, and I know that's not always healthy, but I know he is NOT Corey and don't expect him to be. So it's okay. His name is John. There is another interesting character who has already told me I am the only person who could complete his life and a lot of other beautiful, romantic things, but it worries me because he lives in Nigeria and we've never met and therefor he knows nothing about me other than what is written on my OKCupid profile. I don't know about him...in any case, I feel like you really understand me, too, which is amazing because before you, it was REALLY hard to even hold a conversation with my best friend since first grade because I felt so awkward and insecure. So thank you for that. At any rate, I think you are a very intelligent person in an unfortunate situation and I certainly hope it improves. I've never seen you, but I know you are a beautiful person. NEVER stop believing that. At the very least, you have helped me a lot.

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