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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 12-24-2012 at 5:35pm
Current mood: numb
Music: parachute
Do you ever wonder why life gets so bad?

I can't help but worry about mom and dad. And I keep having all these bad dreams about my friends getting breast cancer and my parents don't have enough money to eat and I'm always so helpless to do anything worthwhile.

I know it's not my fault why things are the way they are.. but on the ride to work, looking at the snow on the trees on hills far away.. I couldn't help but wonder why we keep going, where this is all going and what are we really doing here?

I remembered how much animosity I used to have for my parents, and how much hatred I used to feel towards certian people and how that's all so meaningless now. I have always wanted a family I was close to and friends who loved me. Now I finally have both and I am so glad.

But this sadness has really seems to have taken up roots into my heart and I feel like they will never come up. I just can't help but feel like my insides are just all black and cold.

Sometimes I just have to try and remind myself that it's not my fault I'm like this. And sometimes that really isn't enough.

I just wish I didn't feel so.. helpless and terrified.

But the future will never be certain, and the only certainty I have is who I am inside.

But what do I stand for anymore?
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goodbye

12-25-12 1:10am

I was walking to the car after seeing a movie with my parents and was overwhelmed by this thought of... I really am alone. Regardless of friends, relationships, family... I came into this world and will leave this world alone.

I think it was the trouble with my relationship - the possible loss of someone I truly love that gave me this feeling. And now it is more apparent than ever that he has my happiness in his hands and could very easily throw my life away.

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godessalthena

Re: , 12-25-12 3:45am

Almost ever second of independent thinking time I have is consumed by the fact at how completely singular our existence is, and how painfully alone we are forever destined to be. But I try to take solace in other things.. Past happy moments.. Rekindling relationships that made me feel less alone.. Trying to see how beautiful life can be - even in suffering.

I guess what keeps me waking up every morning is the fact that something is better than nothing and if this is the only life I have then I want to make the most of it... even if it's just cuddling with my puppies, drinkin and watching a tv drama and thinking about how alone I am.

People still love you, despite what one boy thinks. And while it may seem like the end of the world if he lets go of such a precious gift you gave him.. It keeps spinning and beautiful things keep happening. We just need to look. <3

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goodbye

Re: Re: , 12-25-12 3:59pm

That is very sweet. It's just so hard to see the light when there's so much dark surrounding me.

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anonymoose

12-25-12 12:41pm

Merry Christmas millykins <3

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