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| kinkyrose1212 (profile) wrote, on 2-5-2013 at 8:37pm | |
| Current mood: sad Music: Sponge-Plowed Subject: Unrequited Attraction |
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| A therapist of mine once told me that unrequited love led to obsession. I never figured that out when I first took an interest in boys. I knew about obsession, but I never realized the connection. When you want something you can't have, you only want it more. This isn't real love. It isn't love at all. It's something superficial. Attraction is the best word for it. I foresaw this coming. All weekend I was thinking about it but I figured I'd be okay once I caught up on some sleep. I was better after sleeping, but then I came back to JC and the floodgate reopened. I haven't gone completely crazy with it, I do have some level of control, at least for now. Earlier, though, I made a minor faux paus. It went unnoticed for the most part, but I had vowed not to let myself do things like that, so I noticed. I worried I was going to have a mental breakdown because I've been stressed out lately and I've been having some mood swings. So after I said what I said, I grew paranoid I would develop an unhealthy obsession and ruin my friendship, although, to be completely honest, it's not much of a friendship, anyway, and I don't think I'd be missing much. I'd like to be on good terms with everyone, though, and not have to deal with these fucking high school-aged issues and develop a reputation for being a clingy, psycho bitch. Things are fine between me and this boy, but they are not fine with me. I want to end this, but I don't have much faith that I'll be able to do that while I am here seeing him every day. It's always the cute ones. Physical appearance isn't even important, but I can't seem to stop myself from fixating on it and striving to obtain some kind of satisfaction. It's sick. It's unhealthy. I thought I had this shit out of my system. I'd been fine for so long, nothing had happened, and all of a sudden, last Thursday, the thought implanted itself in my head and here I am. I drive myself crazy with this shit, I fucking hate it. I don't enjoy it anymore than my " victims " do. This is probably related to my inability to let anything go, stuff that might have happened ten years ago that I still haven't gotten over. Is it possible to change these behaviors and thought patterns? It all seems like another addiction, where I can try to surpress the cravings, the overwhelming waves that crash over me, but they will always swallow me. The best and only thing I can do in this situation is to stay away. All I have to do is ignore the urge to talk to him whenever I see him, to hug him, all that shit. There's nothing I can do about thinking about him. That's going to happen, anyway. Ignorance is bliss? It seems like every night I make a promise to myself not to do certain things or feel certain ways, but it's all over as soon as I see whomever. I must get back to be self-contained, how I was when I first got here, and determined not to establish feelings for anyone because whether they are reciprocated or not, it wouldn't last, not when it starts here. I need to be done. I need to let go. Not even for his sake, necessarily, but for my own, because otherwise I WILL have some kind of breakdown. Whenever I've had even a small problem that is easily remedied, if I am in a certain mindset ( I am coining it the High School Mindset ), it sets off a disasterous emotional chain, and the first thought that always comes to mind is the person I am most interested and how they have rejected me. Then it goes on to all of the other times I've been rejected and I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit, that something is wrong with me. It's not a matter of something being wrong with me, not a matter of them just being stupid. I won't tell myself that it's because they just can't see what a good person I am just to attempt to make myself feel better, because they do, that's why they're friends with me. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there and that's the only explanation for it. Should I issue a warning to him? Probably not. Still, I would feel bad if this explodes and I lose focus. No one deserves or wants that crap. And as nice as it is to know people are attracted to you, no one likes that obsessive, psychotic crap. Sometimes, I swear I'm losing it. Until the next installment...Maybe leave me a comment about not being a crazy, creepy, obsessive bitch (but nicely, please, I'm sort of fragile right now). It's also worth noting that if he DID return my affection, the same thing would have happened and it wouldn't have ended any better. I am scared for the both of us... | |
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koalalady | 02-06-13 10:01am You don't sound crazy. You're not alone in experiencing these feelings; I'm sure you know that, though. You seem v. self-aware and able to keep things in perspective at the end of the day. |
kinkyrose1212 | Re: , 02-06-13 11:51am Thank you for that :) It makes me feel better that someone else has said these things to me, because now I know I'm not kidding myself into thinking them. |
koalalady | Re: Re: , 02-07-13 2:10pm I don't believe you are. Everybody gets caught up in their own head sometimes. =) |
kinkyrose1212 | Re: Re: Re: , 02-11-13 8:17am I suppose that's true. :) |
| Anonymous | 02-09-13 6:20pm Omg there was an employee fist fight in the parking lot at work |
Anonymous | Re: , 02-09-13 6:22pm Also don't feel bad. I've been extremely obsessive since I was 5. What I do is pick up hobbies to distract myself. The more things you have to focus on the less you'll focus on one thing |
kinkyrose1212 | Re: Re: , 02-11-13 8:21am Oh man, that fist fight sounds hilarious. Fuckin' people, man. The only problem with hobbies is that there is really nothing to do here at Job Corps. The only things I can do for hobbies are reading, drawing/coloring, or writing and I am SO sick of all that shit, except for writing. I did start dating someone new, not who I was obsessing about. I plan on posting an entry about it this morning. I would have replied to you angel of death facebook message, but they locked down campus because of the snow so I wasn't able to go to mcdonald's. Whores. |
Anonymous | Re: Re: Re: , 02-11-13 1:28pm It was hilarious. Idk why the girl thought going to the persons house was going to end well. She.thought there were cameras in the parking lot s she was like we'll finish it where it started because she was trying to set her up. Pushing someone way bigger than you and calling them the n word among other things never ends well. I wish I had seen it. The DM was like you did the right thing and transferred ashley instead |
Anonymous | Re: Re: Re: Re: , 02-11-13 1:33pm My grandmother was freaking out during the storm. It was funny. The snow is up to the windows. They actually closed work at 3 Friday and never opened Saturday |
kinkyrose1212 | Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: , 02-11-13 3:20pm Fucking stupid people, man. I'm about to punch my annoying stalker type in the face. So bothersome. That is funny about your grandmother. I'll bet she acted like the world was ending. They trapped us all on campus all weekend. It was boring as hell. Yesterday we were grateful for being asked to shovel because we were so bored. God life sucks lol |