Add Memory | Add To Friends
godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 3-4-2013 at 12:36pm
Current mood: sleepy
My depression seems to just be getting worse, and I'm not really sure why. I have an appointment with my Dr, but it's in a month. I almost feel like I'm not going to make it another whole month without some serious mental break.

All I want to do anymore is get drunk and have sex. That's really it. I don't really care about anything else, I just go through the motions of "normal" life and pretend like it's still all the same.

But it's not. I don't know what changed inside of me. But I am so desperate for some kind of connection with another person. I just want to feel loved like I love people. And I don't think that'll ever happen. Not because people don't love me, just that I'm so fucking broken in my head that nothing will ever feel good enough.

Every night when I drive home I think about the bottle of vodka next to my bed. I think about how much I just want to drink the whole thing and fall asleep. I think about how nice it would be if I lived by myself so I could have someone over to fuck every night. I just want to badly to get away from myself. I hate my own skin, and everything inside of it. I can't find any redeeming qualities in myself. I just want to let go. Be nothing. Just be like all those fucked up losers on intervention, surrounded by their family, crying their eyes out, and then refuse help because that still wouldn't feel adequate. I'd just be angry that they couldn't accept me for who I was.

That's a major reason why I don't want to have kids. I'm so terrified they'll end up as fucked up as me, or as one of those addicts on TV, and that nothing I do can save them.. And I'd always blame myself.. If only I had been more attentive, loved them more, did something different, they'd be happy and successful. But broken people don't raise happy adults. They raise more broken people.

I know I'll never be able to start over. I know this is the only chance I get. I know all the shit people say to inspire and reassure, but I can't help but feel like it's all just bullshit. All of it. No one ever changes, we just all stay fucked up. It's difficult to want to try harder when there's no success that will ever make it worth it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm addicted to feeling this way.

I just can't. fucking. stop.
Post A Comment

goodbye

03-04-13 11:07pm

Does someone need a kiss?

Breathe deep, realize we love you, and remember there is stuff to live for... even if it is just vodka and sex. Those are great things. Just like sharing a sunrise with someone, just like a cuddle from your puppy dog, just like a few friends around you smiling and laughing together because of you... existing there in that moment, living for that moment. They need to be less far between. Every Friday should be girls' Friday. It's always better on that day, isn't it? I feel like it is. I always feel a little less blue that day. A little less depressed. A little more included. A little more like I belong.

You are my star <3

(reply to this)

godessalthena

Re: , 03-05-13 1:43pm

<3
I think girls' friday sounds like a perfect idea!

I love you, Lauren!

(reply to comment)

alexithymia

03-06-13 3:44pm

I know things got pretty messed up with all of us when I lived there but if you ever need a friend like we were starting to be before all of that got in the way, I'm here. At the very least to listen.

(reply to this)

godessalthena

Re: , 03-07-13 4:00pm

I appreciate that.. I'm here for you too! If you need me.

(reply to comment)

anonymoose

03-07-13 10:49am

Pretty sure I could help with your problems.

(reply to this)

godessalthena

Re: , 03-07-13 4:00pm

How so?

(reply to comment)
anonymoose

Re: Re: , 03-07-13 8:40pm

Well if drunken sex is needed...

(reply to comment)

godessalthena

Re: Re: Re: , 03-08-13 12:42am

That's my fav! Next to sober sex!

(reply to comment)
anonymoose

Re: Re: Re: Re: , 03-08-13 7:24am

Omg reeeeley? Me too! We have so much in common!!!11one

(reply to comment)