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| kinkyrose1212 (profile) wrote, on 4-4-2013 at 7:54pm | |
| Current mood: high Music: My Anthem playing in my head |
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| I feel so old and so young at the same time. Sometimes I think I am having a type of mid-life crisis. I want to be mature and responsible but in this environment I can't help but use the adrenaline rush of being a teen-angsty rebel like a shot of bliss circulating through my blood stream. I can't take myself seriously, I feel like I'm falling. What am I really doing with my life? Will it be worth it? When I get to the end, will I look back and feel satisfied? Proud? Successful? Like I actually achieved at least some of my dreams? A big part of this has to do with me not really knowing what I want. It was easier before. I wanted to be fucked up all the time and fantasize about ending my life. I knew I'd never actually kill myself, intentionally, but those were simple, clear wants. Now I am almost twenty five and I still haven't done anything meaningful. It's very disappointing. After this, I really need to spend some time alone and sink back into my own skin, and not this skittish, insecure bitch who uses sarcasm and curse words as shields against meaningful emotional interaction, with some individuals, not all. I don't feel comfortable as myself, I feel like I don't know who I am, but I don't always like the persona I am projecting. I feel like it's not real because I am some kind of paranoid about people and trust, what to believe, whom it is safe to get close to. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse, but I suppose I am the cat as often as the mouse. Relationships are twisted sometimes, far-reaching chains of people, each engaged in their own game, the taunting and the teased, churning, desiring, and blazing with injustice and passion. I think we all try and be the best we can be, while at the same time keeping parts of ourselves hidden away. Maybe that's just me. This isn't like high school, where the bonds of trust were warm and something to wrap yourself in. Here, I feel like craziness is swarming around me and sometimes I just need to walk away, breathe, and laugh at the ridiculousness of the world here at Job Corps. I pass between feeling like I am among people of my own kind and feeling completely alien to everyone around me. I can't unlock myself. Perhaps I just need to find a better way to do it, but when I try, things get strange. My heart, too, is filled with a yearning, that may yet go unfulfilled, and I will leave here disappointed, not feeling like any of it was worthwhile. Fuck people. | |
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katiecat | 05-07-13 12:14am I hope you're doing okay and that Job Corp is treating you right. Miss talking to you, girl. |
kinkyrose1212 | Re: , 06-12-13 5:10pm I'm doing extremely well :) I am actually flying off to Job Corps advanced training in Washington D.C. on June 18th! It's funny because when I first came here, I absolutely hated it, but now I enjoy it a lot and am actually choosing to stay in the Job Corps system longer! I also found an amazing boyfriend here who I am head over heels for. We've been together for about four months now and we're hoping he'll be along to D.C. shortly after me. How are things going with you? |
| katiecat | Re: Re: , 06-16-13 11:02pm That's great! I am so happy for you! Sounds like a blast! Will you be one of the guides/teachers (not sure what you call 'em) working for the program? And things are going ok for me at the moment!
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kinkyrose1212 | Re: Re: Re: , 06-18-13 8:16pm No, I'm not going to be a guide or teacher (I'm honestly not quite sure what to call them either). I just arrived in DC today, actually, and this center is gorgeous, ten times better than the last one. I'm glad you're doing okay. I check my e-mail almost every day, my address is Pandora948@netscape.net. Hope to hear from you soon! |