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girlxunnoticd
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2005 26 June :: 2.11am
i think maybe i could get through this if it weren't for her. maybe i should tell her.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 25 June :: 12.34am
it shouldn't bother me, but it does. i wish she wouldn't write him things saying love ya kid and things like that. it also hurts that he treats her the same way he does me. its a sure sign that there is nothing between us. i should just give up now before i hurt myself worse. i'm really going to try to just be friends with him. even though he's the only thing in this world i care about.
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mle
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2005 23 June :: 8.02am
:: Mood: . thoroughly confused .
:: Music: . my chemical romance . thank you for the venom .
. dude, what is my problem?
marcus finally came over last night. he's been cooped up in his house for more than 2 wks because of breaking his ankle/surgery. poor kid. but he got to ride in my beautiful new escape. fully loaded. 2003 w/ only 2200 miles on it. it's ok to be jealous.
anyways - i was shocked he took me up on my offer for a movie night. this is the kid who refuses to help me in any way or talk in general because he thinks it will help him deal with me... 9 months after the breakup. but i'm glad he did. this injury has given me an excuse to keep checking up on him and his mental sanity.
and i've been thinking.
i'm super-disappointed in myself. like, marcus made me ask my parents to go see a counselor again... but it's like, i'm not doing any of the bad things i used to. i mean, not even the typical teenager bad things. i rarely drink or smoke or do any of that stuff. as soon as i told my mom, she instantly inquired about any self-destructive habits. i mean, unless you consider negative self-talk, hating yourself, or skipping a couple meals, i'm totally clean. i doubt she believed me, though.
but that was almost 2 wks ago. and i haven't called this office to talk to someone about scheduling an appt. i just can't bring myself to do it. it's not like "hi, i think i have depression," or "hi, i'm hearing voices." it's like "hi, i have low self-esteem." haha. a little awkward. and silly. and totally middle-school. either way, it's not worthy of paying money to talk to someone.
oh, you missed out on the lucass extravaganza. i'll spare you details, but we actually had a chance to chat a few nights ago because everyone left early (like 1130 creepy-early). sure, he was drunk, like always, but what he said keeps sticking in my mind. like, i know we've always had a little thing... but for him to tell me that he wished i didn't have to go back to lansing in the fall... and that whenever i get out of school (mmm 7-9 years from now), to come find and marry him... and that every time he sees me, he's dying just trying to restrain himself from kissing me...
it was nice at the time. i mean, who can resist being called beautiful? and being told that someone loves you?
but now, looking back, i can't bring myself to respond to his im's or his phone calls. i don't know what it is, but something he said just triggered something inside of me, and now i can't bring myself to want to go over there anymore. maybe it was the marriage proposal...
*sigh*
and how do i get it across to him... when i can't even muster the courage to ask him to hang out non-business now that we're out of the dorms?
doubt is the worst thought process ever invented.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 21 June :: 12.39am
i guess i'm sort of speechless right now. i would like to tell him what is on my mind but he hasn't bothered to call or write since that night. i can take a hint. i'm nothing to him and i knew that before. i really don't know why i thought i could make things different. and now thinking back i truly realize that i was nothing to him but a cheap thrill. it wasn't worth it to me. it hurts. i knew he didn't care about me. why did i let myself be so stupid. i really didn't think he was that kind of person. but now i know i'm just a joke to him and his friends. i'll never be more. i wish i could just forget about it, and move on. but the worst part of everything is that i can't stop thinking about him. every single day its like a new stab in my heart. its been more than a week since last time. i saw him tonight. we're supposed to be keeping this a secret, which really means he doesn't want anyone to know. although thats not for my sake, its just to keep emberassment away from him. he has nothing to worry about. after all, his clothes didn't come off. all i am is a whore now. and now thats all i'll ever be.
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mle
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2005 20 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: . worn out .
:: Music: . silence .
. nothing ever goes according to plan .
ok, so sure i'm working at yankee, training for the pools, babysitting, helping out around the house, commuting to class at state 3x/wk, etc... but i feel like i never get anything done. i mean, i still haven't posted my italy pictures online.. we got home almost a month ago. and i haven't read more than 5 books this summer. and i've only seen about 1/2 the people i want to (but that will change once i'm in town 7 nights a week instead of 4). i'm just always so exhausted. and overwhelmed. but geez, this is supposed to be summer- the calm before the storm, my break from madison and the mentoring that fall will bring... not so. my life is always crazy, i'm realizing. and i kind of hate it.
hey, child, please stay a while
my smile will not mislead you
cause i've been without
i go wild with doubt ...
still there's something in you that i believe in
. third eye blind . good for you .
i totally hate this. i want to say something to him, but we have to work closely for the next year, at least, because he's pres and i'm vp of a student org at state. my mom and sister keep saying "oh, just wait and see how things go. you can always say something later" but that's impossible for me. i'm too impatient. if he's not into me, then i need to keep rowing. there are other fish in the sea.
but he's a good catch.
especially in a he'd-be-good-for-me kind of way.
as cheesy as it sounds, he's such a genuine/gentleman/wholesome kinda guy. he's entirely too good for me.
the world is a drought when out of love
please come back to us
. incubus . sick sad little world .
speaking of good for me- what about lucass? (him and his friends are so bad for me haha) now that he's got his own place and a cell (finally), we've been talking just about every day and hanging out most nights i'm in gr. it's awkward in a comfy sort of way - i always feel like we're a heartbeat away from being something... yet not at all. it's hard to explain. especially because it's been this way for years...
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shannonw55
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2005 20 June :: 2.56pm
:: Mood: organized
:: Music: Coldplay - Talk
2005 Prom
The upcoming Sophomore class senate is deciding the location for Prom next year. Any suggestions?
Comments about what you liked or disliked about Prom in the past would be appreciated.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 20 June :: 12.35am
its obvious that its over.
and don't you dare ask why
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 18 June :: 12.13am
:: Music: "you shouldn't kiss me like this" -toby keith
when you kiss me like this i think you mean it like that, if you do baby kiss me again...
i'm trying to forget how bad it hurts. but its not working.
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shannonw55
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2005 16 June :: 7.52pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Coldplay - The Hardest Part
Goo... :\
A creepy guy from deviant art just added me to his msn and asked for my picture... aaaaahhhhhh ssstttaaaallllkkkkeerrrrrssss.
I'm taking my email address off...
Oh hey. I have a deviant art. It's not so good yet...but the address is:
http://shannonw55.deviantart.com/
mmhmm there ya go. Let's just hope there aren't any creepy guys on woohu who would like to harass me on deviant art... o_O
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shannonw55
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2005 15 June :: 9.19am
:: Mood: uncomfortable
Happy Birthday, Taryn. :)
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 13 June :: 11.46pm
i know this isn't real love. but i'll take whatever you're willing to give me. and i'll take it with a smile.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 12 June :: 11.44pm
i feel that for the first time i can actually say he broke my heart. i guess i'll never really know what made me let it go so far knowing it meant nothing at all to him. i guess i thought i could change his mind. but now all i am is his whore that he can call to get whatever he wants whenever he wants it, no strings attached. not even requiring a kiss goodnight. every time i see him it happens all over again. i think there could be something there and then i end up crying on my way home. why can't i push him away? why can't i let him go? all he has to do is show some small sign of affection and i'm completely his. it really does break my heart. and its all my fault.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 8 June :: 3.59am
i never imagined love could hurt so bad. and its just getting worse. i don't know what to do.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 6 June :: 10.20pm
i knew it was wrong and i knew it would hurt, so why did i do it?
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shannonw55
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2005 2 June :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: John Mayer - Daughters
End of the School Year Entry
This was one crazy year.
The last day of school was pretty good. It's always sad though, when you know that something is completely finished and there's no way to change it if you ever wanted to. It's just completely done. We've just closed my freshman chapter. I dunno.. It's alright though. I'm sick of being the youngin of the high school. I'll have a fun sophomore year.
(The Picnic)
(Me, Jamie, and Cherie in bio)
More Pictures
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Quotes of the Week
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Year In Review Quiz
Read more..
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