YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

:: 2003 9 November :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: U2-Stuck In The Moment

I'm listening to all my sister's music.... hmmmmm bored.......I have to go to school tomorrow. My mom hasn't replied to my email yet. She's off in Hawaii. Hm.. I'm going to go to bed soon..... its almost 10.. and I get up at 5.. Im gonna be tired... today I slept in until 11. Ok.. right now all I have for my journal is stupid thoughts like.. Hmm I wonder when the choir tryouts are.. and gees I look like a scrub right now... I haven't really done anything today... i woke up, took a shower and that was it... no make up, no drying of the hair, curling of the hair, straighting of the hair..... Yeah.. this is the most boring journal entry ever.... I have a lot of other problems that woohu just can't know about... er.. wouldn't care about... sooo..... ahh which reminds me of something else! ok getting off the computer.......

Are You a Hater?

mle

:: 2003 9 November :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: . sugar ray . falls apart .

possible irreconcilable differences

last night i was so in love with marcus. cuddling on the couch, watching lilo and stitch (i cried 3x bc im a loser like that lol), i felt so content. we have such a wonderful relationship. sure, we are little sluts, but we laugh our bums off when were together. im just so funny, ya know. and there is this mutual support because we both have lots going on in our lives right now.

but i fell asleep for 2+ hours last night. he left kinda upset. i dont remember bc i was so in and out of consciousness that i couldnt even stay awake to say goodbye. i realized i need to do more for him. i surprised him this afternoon after a brief phone conversation that i was planning to drop a bomb on him in, but he was so distressed from not sleeping that i had to keep mum.

the truth is... i love marcus. with all my heart. but in looking ahead, i feel little differences could explode into huge problems. the biggie is that we would both just kinda go with it and silently allow resentment to grow.
i have always admired his freedom from material goods and his "hippie" tendancies. i, too, share in a lot of his same humanitarian and equality philosophies. but i like to be professional. i want to be successful. i want to wear one of those little skirt-suits and carry a brief case and drink cappucino and have black and white photography strewn throughout my modern, yet traditional, well-designed home. i want to be successful and independent more than anything.
marcus takes the view that love is more important than success in happiness. he could be working at the corner drug store, but if he is content with his wife, hes fine. his comment today: "sometimes i wonder why im even here at calvin (college)." marcus, youre there because you need to get somewhere in life. and although i hate to admit it, sometimes i wonder if you will make it. his ideal life 10 years from now is not making very much money and just living life simply. i want to make money. i want to be sophisticated and respected. i want to make huge contributions and volunteer at nonprofit organizations. but in order to have that financial freedom, i need to be economically stable.

even now, i know people give us weird looks when were together in our favorite attire: him in is duct-taped jeans, converse high tops, random tight broken-in tee, cheap zip-up hoodie, obnoxiously thick hemp necklace, with his getting-shaggy hair all bed-head-y. and me in my lovely steve madden heels (which make us the same height, mind you), red/black shimmery dress pants, vintage black assymetrical shirt, ribbon-choker, with dark eye makeup and yummy lip gloss and my hair all perfectly twisted in the front and spiked up in the back. im sure we look quite odd together. i care too much about my appearance and he couldnt care less (except he does have a little obsession with his belly)

i just feel like that could tear us apart when we get serious about settling down a little. yea yea yea, i know its jumping the gun. but to me, why be in a relationship if you know it wont last?

and i wish that i could only tell him what ive been thinking. its hard enough for me to put it in here... words dont do it justice.

mle

Are You a Hater?

plainmornings

:: 2003 9 November :: 8.10pm

okay okay.

FRIDAY.
~ saw Gregory Luke right after school <3
~ senior recognition night SEE!

~ game vs. Boca we WON! exciting game, 41-37 was the final score, it was supeeerr close. scary.

okay. this is when it begins to suck.
*after the game, Greg and I went to Dennys on Linton & Federal. i ordered a cherry coke and buffalo chicken strips. I get the stuff, cut up a piece, feed it to greg & take a bite myself. I took a bite and was all like "man, this doesn't have the same consistancy of chicken" I begin to analyze the chicken only to find that its completely raw! i spit it out and got the waiter. He went to take it back or whatever and I told Greg i wasn't in the mood for chicken anymore so he went and told the guy to get us a caramel apple crisp. It was okay. the guy brought our check and what they did was subtracted the apple crisp from the price of the chicken (which was more then the crisp was alone) and i was like "wtf." wouldn't you think that i should get it for free i mean they tried to kill me w/salmanila for Gods sake. So i ask to see the manager and hes a total douche bag and this fucking big ass black bitch next to me is all obnoxious so greg was all pissed off and was like "fuck it, lets go" and we just walked out. ANGRY!
will never go back to dennys on Federal & Linton or Federal & Woolbright ever again.

SATURDAY
ummmm woke up around 10, ate breakfast, practiced bassoon & went over to Gregs.
We made cookies & chilled. Went to the mall & he got a haircut (its okay... a little short for my taste but its all Elvis-y now.) Went to Petsmart and saw kitties for adoption, got bitched out by the lady "young adopters are the worst, they have babies and return the cats". alright. um. gregs dad made an oober good meal & we just chilled. I ended up staying the night so that was cool.

oh man. we went to see TIMB at One Cup at a Time last night! it rocked. It was some girls sweet 16 so it was kinda improv like a jam session but mad props to us!! MINI BLUM was there! that made me mucho happy :0)

SUNDAY
woke up early & stared at Gregory sleep kissing him all over till he woke up. went to church con his padres & his dad made us kick ass pancakes. after church we hit up the boynton ale house and greg lost $10 in pool. oh. and his removed uncles girlfriend (ditzy blonde bitch) said that i looked like i was 12. i wanted to tell her to eat shit and dig her stupid blonde head up her ass. went back to his house, watched tv and his dad made kick ass home made pepperoni balls and pizza. i went home then.

gregorys coming over in a couple hours to bring me cake :0) thats all for now.

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plainmornings

:: 2003 5 November :: 7.01pm

** basics **
Name:: Vivi
Nickname:: um... Vi-ster, Giraffe!, Kitty(not to be confused with MY kitty haha), sweet girl
Location:: mouth of the friggin MOUSE, Florida
Gender:: sweet sweet lady :0P
Birthplace:: Concord, Massachusetts
Birthstone:: ummm i think turquoise
Birthday:: 12.20.85
Sign:: ummm Sagitarrius & OX on the chinese zodiac
Righty or Lefty:: righty
Screenname:: picsxstarsxdream
** your looks **
Height:: 4'11 & a half :0P
Weight:: um too much.
Shoe size:: 7-8 depends
Hair Color:: black although i've been told many times its not really black but dark brown.. sorry.
Hair Length:: its all crazy, getting long
Eye Color:: dark brown
Size:: size of what?
Glasses:: only the emo kind :0P
Braces:: no sir
Piercings:: ummmm belly button and ears i guess
Tattoos:: i'm pending
** fashion **
Where do you shop:: whereever i have free money :0)
What do you usually wear:: t-shirt and jeans
What kind of shoes do you wear:: i have over 50 pairs of shoes... i <3 my tie dye chucks though
Do you wear a watch:: used to. (Official time keeper :0p)
Color you never wear:: i'll wear anything really... i'm not too fond of like senior citizen grey though
Color you wear at least once a week:: probably green or pink or blue or everycolor
Something you wear everyday:: my necklace
Do you wear make up everyday:: generally
Make up essential:: depends when and how early i wake up :0P
Most cherished piece of clothing:: my turtlesaur shirt. <3 twins <3
You wouldn't be caught dead wearing:: biker shorts.
Do you wear belts:: no
Do you wear hats:: no
How many pairs of shoes do you have:: a bazillion ... over 50
** music **
Favorite kind of music:: i like everything i guess more emo/indie stuff
Least Favorite:: i really can't take "gangsta rap"
How many CD's do you have:: not too many that i've bought, many that i've made
Last CD you bought:: oh dear... i'm trying to remember but its not coming to me... maybe Hail to the Thief?
Whats in your CD player right now:: ummmm the Postal Service
Do you download music:: i used to until Kazaa went crazy
** Favorites **
Color:: all of them... purple, turtlesaur green, orange, pink, red etc.
Number:: 1,7,8,9,11,12,20
Season:: winter or spring
Ice cream:: oh dear. i can feel the fat already... mint chocolate chip i suppose
Website:: yo no se
Quote:: "Go directly in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've always imagined" - Thoreau
Store:: i probably spend most of my $$ at Express
Band:: Beck :0P ... any many many others
Singer:: Jolie from the Rocking Horse Winner
Rapper:: Outkast
Group:: um... Simon and Garfunkel :0P
Song:: Smashing Pumpkin's version of Landslide
Movie:: not fair. Being John Malkovich, Secretary, Amelie, American Beauty, Donnie Darko, Empire Records, Vanillla Sky, Sliding Doors, and a bazillion more
Actor:: Johnny Depp
Actress:: Liv Tyler
Kind of movies:: movies that you come out of thinking "WTF just happened!"
Place to be:: laying in bed with Greggy poo
Time of day:: 9pm :0P
Clothing Brand:: whats with all the clothes!
Animal:: kitty <3 puppy & baby kitty & elvis & Miss.Kitty aka Princy & gatito
Food:: i really like food like a fatty.
Holiday:: no preference i don't think
Shape:: star, heart, circle
Restaraunt:: i have lots of these too... the french place on Federal & Yamato, Melting Pot, La Casita etc.
Fast food place:: Taco Bell, Checkers, KFC
Boy's name:: Shane, Keith, Luke
Girl's name:: Elsa, Rainer like Rainer Maria lol i duno, others
Word:: wow.
Month:: December, June
Candy:: twizzlers, gummi bears
** love and relationships **
Sexual Preference:: i admit it. i like the cock :0P
Boyfriend or Girlfriend:: boyfriend.
Crush:: like i'll crush you up
Do you believe in love at first sight:: i don't know
What do you look for in a guy/girl:: the whole package, looks, personality, smile, compassion, chemistry
Best physical feature:: HAIR! heh , eyes, lips, smile
Best hair color:: i like darker colors i suppose
Best eye color:: anything thats not shit brown like mine :0P
** randoms **
Do you paint your nails:: ummm toenails
What color is your tooth brush:: silver i think
What's on your desktop:: nothing special, haven't set preferences on new computer yet :0)
Do you like roller coasters:: absofreakinglutely love them!
Do you do drugs:: ummm i'm taking a prescription for a sinus infection?
Are you a virgin:: a girl unblossomed me didn't she? oh wait.. that was Jessica :0P haha
Do you have any pets:: my love, Miss Princy Kitty Elvis & Baby Kitty ;0P
What time do you go to sleep:: probably earlier then you.

Basic Survey [ 87 questions] brought to you by BZOINK!

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girlxunnoticd

:: 2003 3 November :: 11.57pm
:: Music: the postal service

"loud music is only good if its techno, i get down to that shit"
comment on that one biyatch.

anywho... this weekend fucking rocked my socks hXc. friday i drove the 2.5 hours, it only took me 2 by the way. when i got there we went to walmart and bought some food and shit. then we got ready for the costume party. we went to midway, w/ 3000 people and got fucking drunk. then we went and called chino.. then we went to ihop. saturday we walked around campus and went to the mall. saturday night we went to music cafe which is a bar. we got served. pints. it was so rad. then we went to the sae haunted house, where they played kernkraft 400, so i said the above quote that was originally stated by my brother. it was magical. then sunday we went to walmart again and then dicked around town and around campus and then i drove back. it was so nice to get away from here and not have to worry about impressions and certain someones, even tho he was on my mind while bumpin to the techno friday night with the green lights and cage dancers. it was fun tho, and i'd do it again in a heart beat. lara is really cool too btw. can't wait to go back and actually to go off on my own. well that is all for now.
<3 always and keep rockin.

mle

:: 2003 3 November :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: inadequate
:: Music: third eye blind's self-titled album

never enough (insert word here)

time
love
sleep
work
money
friends
solitude
accomplishments
motivation
productivity
mle-time
marcus-time
down-time
study-time
fun-time
confidence
trust
brains
experience
truth
beauty
intrigue
support
self-control

... shall i continue the list?

i know i know
i cant keep it all together
in the silent song that is your madness
holds a truth i cant erase
. third eye blind . god of wine .

i just feel so isolated, so alone. yet, so attached to marcus in a we-are-one-person way. yesterday was the only day in over a week that i didnt see him. it gets repetitive, but its like an addiction. i must fuel it. i must see him. it doesnt even feel rewarding or satisfying sometimes... just necessary.

i dont know... my complete sense of inferiority to the entire world seems to be eating me alive. im not good enough for anything or anyone, especially myself. or my parents. so many other parents would be thrilled to have me, hard-working, ultra-involved, passionate, humanitarian, smart, compassionate little mle as a daughter. instead, they see a failure who places emphasis on the wrong things.

to them, yearbook is nothing. to them, work is meaningless. to them, my sanity is second to school. to them, i am an immoral glutton. to them, marcus is just another boy. to them, i am scum.

and its not necessarily that i want to please them.
i just dont want them down my throats vocalizing criticism parallel to the thoughts that spin through my mind for hours every day.

mle

Are You a Hater?

plainmornings

:: 2003 3 November :: 12.00am

Happy 20th Birthday my love.
<3

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plainmornings

:: 2003 2 November :: 11.30pm

despite being horribly sick, i had the most wonderful weekend <3

*Gainesville was fun.
*Orlando was better.
*Laying in his arms was the best <3

Happy 20th Birthday Benjamin John Garbarino for another 30min.

Happy 20th Birthday Gregory Luke Pishko in 30 min. <3<3<3

Are You a Hater?

girlxunnoticd

:: 2003 30 October :: 9.14pm
:: Music: the mars volta

this sucks...
so its thursday night... i'm bored out of my mind. i'm waiting to find out what is going on w/ leslie. if she is going to be in deep shit, and doesn't want me there, then i'm not making the 2 hour trip. otherwise i need to pack since i am leaving right after school tomorrow. i got some stuff from her mom, and yes, i could sense the tension... she was pissed. anyway..... i was hoping maybe someone would invite me to go to wild country with them tonight, but i guess i am just not cool enough to go with them. oh well, what can you do. i think i am going to make a cool website out of all the pics i get from this weekend. that would be super sweet. oh well... i just need a bunch of pics to take to school anyway. can't wait for this year to end so i can move on. forget about all this shit, all this drama, all this that i can't have. that is all for now. but i will probably be back.
<3 always and keep rockin!

girlxunnoticd

:: 2003 30 October :: 4.29pm

this is so funny. leslie's mom found her journal... with all the intimate details of leslie's love life. its to my entertainment, but i would seriously shit if anyone found my journal and read it, especially my mom. thats why you keep everything online and everything nameless.
oh well... i'm going up to mizzou this weekend to visit leslie. i can't wait to go to the foam party. its going to be kickin! well thats all for now.
<3 always and keep rockin.

plainmornings

:: 2003 27 October :: 5.17pm

on site admissions rock.
definately got into FIU today.
definately got offered scholarship money.
sweet ass, i'm going to college haha.

i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens w/everything else... keeping my fingers crossed.
I think i need to actually take a trip down to Miami and see this school now that I can go there :0)

hmmmmm i think UCF is next on the reply list then Nov 25th is onsite FAU visit (you know how they like the IB folk)
then FSU & UF and thats all folks.
I think i'm going to apply to USF ... i'm not sure yet.
bother.
this sucks.

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girlxunnoticd

:: 2003 27 October :: 3.38pm

so we straightened things out. we got drunk. we laughed, we cried. we talked. everything is alright.
now for my next crisis. roger knows everything... since april or before... which is absolutely crazy. i never realized i made it that obvious... so probly soon my friend that i have been crushing on for almost 2 years will be the guy that thinks i'm absolutely crazy.
and he's 21 today... so he'll be too cool to hang out anyway.
this sucks.

plainmornings

:: 2003 26 October :: 6.29pm

this weekend was GRANDE x a bagillion!

FRIDAY~
Homecoming game vs. Dwyer. we lost. great.
we marched better on Friday then we'd ever & we got a pseudo drum war!!
Greg stayed over <3

SATURDAY~
* got to school around 1.. loved seeing everyone run around, cleaning instruments, getting uniforms.. quite refreshing
* senior speeches... made me remember how much I really do love that crazy dysfunctional organization. A lot of people said that my speech was really good and it really touched me when a lot of people who I didn't know too well came up and just gave me a hug telling me "it was a pleasure marching with you" or "i liked your speech the best"... i can't believe its almost over...
* got to FBA @ Sanataluces and warmed up... we marched out to the waiting area and what do you know, it starts raining sooo the woodwinds run for cover under the concession stand overhang and we wait. It lightens up so we went back out. Marched out and started our show. Once we started playing our first notes, the rain just started pouring down... thankfully after our first song it kind of lightened up. Our performance wasn't as good as it had been the night before but thinking optimistically as we ALWAYS do ::sarcasm:: we just figured it was the festival we wouldn't forget :0P
Finished marching and ran for cover. no pictures :0(. Mr. Lerner got the results.

we got a SUPERIOR! as he announced it I just burst into tears, I don't know if I had ever been happier in my life.. it was such a good feeling... a superior for something i'd worked so hard at and something I definately wasn't expecting. We got through it, Atlantic Community high school band is on its way back to the great band it used to be. Great goodbye present :0)

* afterward we left and Gregory picked me up and we went out for his bday dinner @ Dean Anthonys (great fettucini!!) it was nice.
* Gregory carved me a pumpkin. i love it (almost as much as i love him :0))
* picked up the boys & Cyndi from Ericas house... I said fuck in front of her mom (twice!) POOR.

SUNDAY~
* woke up early and went to church with Gregory & his padres.
* realized how much Catholic church really sucks in comparison to other denominations.
* hung out with my lovey all day and now hes gone :0(
::sigh:: i really do love him sooooo much... 5 months in a week!

TOK essay due tomorrow... i haven't started. go me. oh yeah. i heard homecoming was fun but i wouldn't have given up my weekend for anything.
<3

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girlxunnoticd

:: 2003 25 October :: 3.44am

tonight was officially the worst night of my life... first, i know that every guy in the whole world could want me, but not the guy i want. he'll never want me... never. i know that fo sho. second, i got an e-mail.. from my best friend... she said she didn't want to be friends anymore. she said it was over.
i seriously don't know what to do... i am trying not to cry, i am trying to think positive and remember that everything happens for a reason, but its so hard. why is everything so hard for me... so now i have no friends, no boyfriend, nothing... i have nothing. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to think. why can't i just be pretty and popular... and why can't he just love me? why can't i have friends like every other 18 year old in the entire world. i'm such a reject. i might as well die. i am good for nothing. my life is a huge disappointment. just when i thought things were working out, they turn around completely, and now i am even more alone than before. not only that, but now i don't even have anyone to talk to... no one else but her knew about my crushes, and my hopes, and all the stupid shit i've done. this can't be happening... it has to be a dream. this can't be real.

shannonw55

:: 2003 24 October :: 7.45pm
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional-Ghost of a good thing

wilting flower? or SMOLDERING temptress? lol
Haha. look at this....

You are the red temptress outfit!

Which Moulin Rouge Satine costume are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Find your inner Smurf!
Ahhh... someone found out I liked them today................ cuz SOMEBODY told them. lol Ah. Whatever I don't care as much as I probably normally would so.............
It's the weekend. yaaaaaay and I got all my homework done. It was awesome. oh oh! and i got a 95 on my test today. woo woo! and I have all a's except for S.S. I have an A- because of a S. S. test where everyone got D's and lower. but anyway.... I had fun friday today---that sounds really kiddie.... fun friday.. *smirk* doncha love it when ppl do that? the little *thing* where I *say* and *action* heh
Oh and in Fun Friday I re-learned how to play bull shit.. heheh that was fun...
I'm gonna try to make a quizzila thing and make my journal look cool....

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