YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

:: 2006 14 February :: 5.34pm

i feel like dying. i've already prayed not to wake up in the morning. but i keep waking up. i'm struggling with life. i can't do it anymore. only the strong survive and i'm not one of them. i don't ever want to open my eyes again.

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:: 2006 10 February :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

YAY!!!
The only thing left to do for Swirl is enjoy it.
It looks frooting AWESOME! It's so beautiful. I can only imagine what it's going to look like once we get the balloons up. You guys are gonna love the roses. I hope they don't get destroyed... I'll be cheesed.
The carnations went well too! There were only two that got left unsold, but we made a butt load of profit. I hope you guys liked that. I'm glad we chose to do it this year.
The music will be good at the dance this year. We talked to the DJ's and they are going to play a wider genre of music. I mean, they are still going to play rap and stuff, because that is what the majority wants, but it is going to be better than last year and Homecoming's music. And no having 2 slow songs in a row.
I'm so very tired now. I'm glad all that planning is over. I hope you guys like it.

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:: 2006 9 February :: 6.18pm

So today I got an email notification that 3 people added me, in separate emails. Each one says "deleted" added me to their list. No one added me... Anyone else ever had that happen? It was pretty disappointing.

:: 2006 9 February :: 12.34am

so what's more depressing? that i've never had a relationship or that i've had sex? we were talking about past relationships. the only thing that comes close for me is sophomore year of high school. i was thinking about it. my parents wouldn't even take pictures of us on prom night. i think i knew that was over before it started. just like this. its over. its probably for the best that i'm 2 and a half hours away. i don't know if i could survive it otherwise. he's had relationships... but he won't now. he won't with me. enough said.

:: 2006 1 February :: 1.18am

its all about sex with him. i just realized that for sure tonight. thats all he thinks about, thats all he wants. he doesn't really want me, not at all. he just wants me to come home and have sex with him all weekend then go back away so he doesn't have to deal with it. why did i ever think this was something different than that? i knew all along everything we had was physical. he doesn't want to be with me. i'm such a fool. he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. why did i think i could change that? its just getting worse but i'm addicted. its hopeless now. i don't even want to live anymore.

:: 2006 30 January :: 5.33pm
:: Music: Coldplay - We Never Change

I wanna live life
And never be cruel
And I wanna live life
And be good to you

And I wanna fly
And never come down
And live my life
And have friends around

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?

So, I wanna live in a wooden house
I wanna live life
And always be true
I wanna live life
And be good to you

Oh, and I don't have a soul to save
Yes, and I sin every single day

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So, I wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy

I wanna live where the sun comes out

:: 2006 29 January :: 11.49am
:: Music: Coldplay - See You Soon

~~I wanna go run away to Chicago. Hopefully someone will mug me to death.~~ -no
What a terrible week. And another disappointing weekend.

Read more..

:: 2006 26 January :: 9.57pm

i'm so nervous about this weekend. not only because my parents are going to question my every move. but also because i have to face his friend for the first time since new years. i don't know what they think of me, but i'm sure its not great. i don't want to face them. i'm terrified. i just have a terrible feeling that they're going to hurt my feelings. and why wouldn't they. i'm just going to be the whore of the group. the girl who comes around ever so often when her man needs to get some. lets face it, i'm not going to fit in. and when his friends don't think highly of me, he'll start to do the same. even though it doesn't seem he thinks too highly of me at times as it is. i just don't know what to do. should i just stay here? would i save myself ridicule and heartache or would i risk losing him for good if i don't go home now. i wish everything didn't have to be so difficult. i just know they're not going to like me. but maybe this weekend i will figure out what is going on between us and whether or not i should stay here or go...

:: 2006 25 January :: 6.15pm

I'm being absolutely screwed into this. You won't let me be right.

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mle

:: 2006 24 January :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: . disheartened .
:: Music: . something corporate .

. split personalities are the best/worst thing ever .

welp, kiddos, this is going to be a short one... because i have to be a functioning member of society in just a few minutes.... in other words, try to get girls on my floor to do some yoga and eat up these cookies that the dept gave me. gagmenow.

i'm such a mess.
in so many ways.

just when i get motivated and excited and ready to take on the world, reality hits. hard. and confuses the shit out of me.
i don't understand. i feel like the better my intentions get and the more effort i put into planning/replanning/unplanning my life, the worse it ends up.
maybe i should just drop everything, quit trying to succeed, and float through like everyone else who seems to be having the best time of their fucking worthless lives.
but even then i wouldn't be happy.
i don't think i can be happy.
well, for more than a few minutes/hours, that is. i am happy sometimes. and when i am, it's amazing. i'm estatic about the world, all of the people,places,things in it. i'm like drunk off happiness.
and either it eventually wears down or i get dropped and my little bubble of joy bursts and i feel worse than i did beforehand.

i feel like i struggle with a lot of things so much more than everyone else.. so is there something wrong with me, or am i just a total baby/overthinker? i'd like to hope a combination of the two, but who knows...

i just want to feel content, successful, fulfilled.
i want to be loved and to love another, to be open to sharing my life with another person instead of being so god-damned self-focused all the time.

i just want to be in control.

:: 2006 19 January :: 10.37pm

was it love or was i just a fool?

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:: 2006 19 January :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: frustrated

Look at my freaking livejournal, darn it.

It's important now.

:: 2006 14 January :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Campbell's Soup song

I was looking at bridal pictures with my mom (since my sister is getting married) and look at this one. Read more..

I thought I'd spread the feeling...