j e s s i c a

j e s s i c a

:: 2006 23 July :: 9.13 pm

la la la. i work at menards and have no life and wooooo hoooooooo

blah blah blha and my feet hurt.

18 days till i move. woohoo.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 19 July :: 11.05 pm

OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE MENARDS.

I AM NEVER WORKING 2 WEEKS WITHOUT A DAY OFF EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN! EVER~!@@!%!#$%^!#$^#$^$%&@$

I FUCKING HATE IT.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 17 July :: 11.15 pm

in your eyes. in your eyes. in your eyes. in your eyes.
i wanna cry. but only if i'm with you.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 16 July :: 10.56 pm

Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 15 July :: 10.12 pm

sooooo dude.

yeah.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 13 July :: 9.00 pm

Tomorrow I'm going to see the apartment we'll be moving into. Today I picked out all the colors and I love them. I wasn't sure on all the colors I had but I had a lady in wallcoverings help me so now I'm sure.

I'm listening to this scarily pansyish song that reminds me so much of being little. I remember it. It reminds me of when Stef and I shared that room with little heart wall paper and had that little black tape player. She had to tape symbols on the buttons because I didn't know which one was play and stop and pause and all that. I was so little and I still remember this song. I'm not telling what it is. I dont want anyone to steal it. haaaaaaa.

I really feel like I am done with high school and all that but you can never erase the memories. So I guess that means you can never let things from high school stop affecting you.

It's not that I dont appreciate everything you've done for me. Everything you've given me. it's not that, because I do appreciate it and I see more and more that I'm lucky to have that maybe other people don't. but there's something definetely missing. something that even though it's great, doesn't make it add up to more, because the something that's missing is a huge something. so that's why i dont just ugh nevermind

you know, i just downloaded msn live or whatever, and i dont think i like it. not so far anyway. it's too hard to read stuff.

we're down to the last weeks before the apartment. i'm stressed out, working all the time, and his hours keep getting cut.

wonderful.

fuck this shit.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 12 July :: 11.27 pm

i just wrote something but then deemed it too mean to say. but what i was going to say, was something about how I am pissed. I feel like you really should'nt be a jerk to me. It's not fair and I am doing so much for us on my own right now that I really don't think it's nice. I feel like I've done so much and not been appreciated enough for it.

whatever.

UGHH jerk.

i am still working every day until next friday. i really dont want to. really really dont want to. i am pissed. and i kind of really really hate menards. ugh and i can't get into my bank account online right now for some reason and i hate not knowing exactly my balance every day whenever i want to.

so right basically i am pissed and tired and dreading the fact that i have to work 10-6:30 tomorrow. fuckers.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 10 July :: 11.54 am

okay so stef's bridal shower was yesterday. that went well i thought.

and then last night after that i left and met roman in k-zoo. ughghghghgh and now i probably wont see him until august 5th which i know i keep saying but i'm pretty sure i mean it this time.

we got stef and pauls wedding gift last night. which i was thinking Stef- can't you just go to the places you're registered and even though it's not a big suprise what you're getting for presents anyway, since you picked them out, you could just print your list off and see what people have already bought you before the wedding. ha. it's funny i think.

and then after we bought the gift we went to the movies which i dont think we have doen since.... last summer or something when we saw fun with dick and jane, or was that this winter? i dont remember but it's been a long ass time because we never want to spend our money on movies but i wanted to see click and it was pretty good and i cried.

and then there was this storm in kalamazoo when we got out of the movie, it wasn't raining but there was thunder and lightning . the lightning seriously looked so cool. whenever it striked it lit up the sky and was all purple . it looked like a poster or like professional photo of lightning. it was so pretty. so we just watched that for a while. and then went to arbys.

anyway, long story short i didnt' get home till 2:10 am and then had to get up at 8:30 to go to the fricken doctors. i looked at the scale for the first time in a long time today and i WANT TO CRY. but oh well, me and roman were talkigna bout how we're gonna lose weight anyway when we move in so whatever , i'm not that concerned. and i'm gonna try to use the gym or whatever at davenport too when i can.

anyway, the apartment lady called me this morning and told me i get to see OUR apartment 212!!! on friday. yay so i get to see the real one that will be our home in one month!!!! So friday i get to go down there and pick out the colors that they will paint it and get that all settled. i can't wait.

welll now i have to leave for work because i have to work from 12:30 to close which is 10 which sucks a lot. nine and half hours that i picked up even though now i dont want them but too bad for me and i guess more money.

ughghghgh~!!! stupid work i hate you. hopefully i get to work on service today because that is more fun.

g'day.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 9 July :: 11.35 am

oh my gawwwd.

i can't wait to move out. why are you talking to me about all this stuff i dont give a crap about. seriously. stop talking.

well i'm glad the money got your attention. what a fricken suprise.

cannnnnnnnnnnnnt wait.

i have one month and 2 days left but really it's more like about 25 days because i'm gonna be so busy w/ stef's wedding that i wont have time to think about the apartment within the last week. yayyyyyyy

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.54 pm

oh wait, i have to write about one more thing because i am so serious about it.

when we move into the apartment, i'm putting this picture of me and roman on the fridge. It's a picture from when I was in the beginning of my Junior year, and him his senior year. and you can tell such a difference in our weight. we were so skinny.

i swear i'm getting back down to like 105. swear. as soon as i can buy my own food, when i buy the healthy stuff, that's all i'll have for the week and no exceptions. seriously in my moms house they never buy anything healthy EVER. like fruits and veggies dont even exist in this house. well, canned ones but that doesn't really count. i cna't wait until i can buy what i should eat and then be forced to eat it because i can't waste my money. hahaha. and then also i wont over eat because then i will be broke!!!!

i just seriously can't wait to get skinny again. and i know roman can't either. my baby wants his big ol guns and tight ass back. lol. i'm buying him weights for christmas too. shhh.

so yeah that's my plan and i SERIOUSLY am sticking to it! no freshman 15 for me. it's freshman negative 15 for me. yeah i'm so serious about this i even bought a scale for us today. haha. right now i will continue to pig out though...yeah.... i'm horrible oh well!

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.33 pm

Right now there is a lot going on.

I'll be moving in a month, that's probably... no definetely the most important and biggest thing going on in my life. But Stef's wedding is also something on my mind a lot and something I'm looking forward to as well.

I've only been to like one wedding, and definetely never been in a wedding like I will be in Stef's, a bridesmaid, so I'm excited for it. I think it will be fun and really pretty. I mean, it's at Fredrick Meijer Gardens. You can't get much more pretty than nature's beauty like that.

I'm so ready to move in with Roman. I've been 2 hours away from him since January and I can't take it anymore. I feel like it has definetely strengthened our relationship , our trust, our commitment... but it's so hard. I thought him being at Ferris was hard but him being in Jackson was definetely more trying. I dont know where I'm going with this... just , I am really excited for the move. ahahahsdl;fkjasfl;aksjfaksjfa;skdfas;lkfjsdf

so ready for it.

Almost everything is packed. almost everything. yay

and i'm done typing in this thing cuz it's dumb and i have to work 9 to 7:30 tomororrow
so night.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.23 pm

ugh it makes me mad because i lost a good friend but it's like i dont even want to mend things because you're so fake now anyway.

hmph.

so i guess i just wish i had the old you back but nothing else.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 July :: 6.59 pm

JACKIE. how do you like my pic? yeah i'm pretty sure it's really really hot.

hit me back jack.

5 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 6 July :: 11.41 pm

So I'm moving out in just over a month. I'm so excited for this.

I've done the budget multiple times figuring in different things and problems and things. It all seems to be fine. I've lived 2 hours away from Roman for 7 months now, and I am more than ready for that to end.

I'm ready for school to begin, I feel like my schedule is pretty good. It looks like i'll have plenty of room to keep working. Hopefully my classes will be pretty easy.

All that's left really is to have the apartment painted the colors we picked out and to see the finished product. And of course to pay for everything.

I'd like to still get a comforter for our (less than one year old!!! queen size!!) bed, but we'll use other blankets until we find one we really love that isn't too expensive.., and other than that, we need a trash can, paper towel holder and some other very random and not completely nessacary things. so yay. My car is loaded completely with things for the apartment and I can't wait to unload and unpack them. and use them!!

anyway i'll finish this later

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 6 July :: 11.17 pm

yay thank you gunnie so much for totally fixing my laptop. he is seriously a great friend!

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 5 July :: 7.43 pm

Again, fuck you people.

not all of you but a lot.

i think all i'm gonna focus on is working and moving into the apartment. i am trying to pick up a lot of hours. i picked up 8 for tomrorow which brings me to 42.5 hours for this week and i picked up like 14 next week because i was scheduled for less than 30... i ended up with 42 hours next week too.

so hellooo overtime and hello money..

anyway fourth of july was fun. went to grand haven. took 3 hours to get home because of traffic. holy shit. didn't get home until 2. had to work at EIGHT this morning until 4:30 then drive straight to davenport and took a test and passed and now i dont have to take the beginning english and i already have those 3 credits SCORE.

so yay. yup. but my laptop isn't working or something.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 4 July :: 11.07 am

OH MY GOD.

YOU ARE KIDDING ME.

whatever whatever whatever. lie and then totally be hypocrites. i dont fucking care. i never liked you anyway!

fuck you people.

and also. this is the third fucking year in a row that i am doing absolutely nothing on the fourth of july. i had wonderful plans but now they are ruined and i am so fucking mad.

i'm so fucking mad.

nevermind. and kevin thanks for the invite, sorry i was in the shower. but actually the original plans i had are back so thank you though. :0)

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 27 June :: 1.26 am
:: Music: tennessee -from pearlharbor

I wish that on Wednesday at 6 until 9 I had pit practice and we were playing the Kansas show and Dacia and Danielle were there again.

and I wish that Justine would play Tennessee on the piano.

And then I wish Thursday everything would be back to normal again.

But not until Wednesday we did 10 run throughs with the whole drumline of the Kansas show and I hit every note right that effing xylophone that everyone hates anyway because it's so loud but that is why I secretly love it. And on Dust in the Wind the vibraphone is so beautiful and we get the beginning right and at the end I make the Vibes do the little vibratey reverberation thing.

So beautiful.

Not Thursday until I can appreciate that one more time. God I miss feeling it. Don't make it Thursday until I can watch Justine play the show with us and think how she is really better than I am and be jealous but secretly be a lot more happy than jealous ... it always made me proud or something that she was the best out of all of us. Danielle and I both knew it. It was like she scared us when she was a freshman. She was so good. And so diligent.

God... and those drums so fucking loud. Rocking your brain and playing the same thing over and over and over. I miss it.

I wish I could have one more day.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 27 June :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: sadish..
:: Music: 2 pac/ bone thugs: thug love

be honest.

Okay so i have been keeping it in for the sake of, oh i dont know, saving a friendship... but no more.

God you annoy me. Wasn't this a huge reason we got in a fight in the first place? Because you like... are never honest? I think so. and then we "resolved everything"

well guess what. Either be my friend or don't. I'm not gonna fucking call you up and beg for your friendship and attention and frankley I'm getting really sick of calling you at all since you NEVER FUCKING CALL ME BACK.

God you are being a bitch. Remember how you COMPLETELY DITCHED ME that one day. and I flat out confronted you at school because I wasn't going to deal with your bullshit and then you just fed me more bullshit about how you felt bad and didn't want to call me back becaus it had been so long and BLAH BLAH BLAH well I let that one go finally. but then things never really got fixed di they?

Well I have been going out of my way trying really hard to fix everything with us. To get us back to being the friends we once were when we would joke about everything and have fun together but I guess you just dont want that.

You tell me you're so buys and blah blah. I drive to your fucking work and yeah you had plans and tha'ts totally fine , but CALL me sometime.

I can't come to your open house, i call you to tell you and no one picks up, so I make sure to call jenna just to ask her to please tell you that i'm sorry i coudln't come.

aparently jenna didnt tell you. fine, that's fine. but I told you soon after that I had called her and asked her to. so you knew my intentions and how i was sorry. In fact, I told you the SAME DAY of your open hosue becuase I , do you remember? , called you up and asked if you and becky and I could do something. Rmember? Remember how you were gonna talk to becky and call me back. REmebmer? Remember how you just NEVER called me back.

yeah i was so embarassed about how I kept calling you and you never called me back. I couldn't even tell ROMAN that you blew me off. that's how embarrased I was. I couldn't even tell anyone. that you just never called me back.

I kept calling your house and your mom would pick up and I'd just say the same thing over and over. Tell you to call me please. and she would say she didn't know how long you would be gone. She said that night of your open house that you were at michelle's. Yeah okay. Maybe your plans changed. Michelle invited you over or someting. Have the decency to call me. But no, I called your house again and your mom tells me you're still not home. I felt like such an idiot.

so i protested it for like a week or two.

i wouldn't call you even though I really wanted to go out and do something. I wanted to go shopping or to a movie or something . Iwanted to call you just to TALK . you know, like we used to when we were like best friends. but no. I didn't. I wouldn 't let myself because you made me feel s o bad about how you told me you'd call me like in the next hour when you andbecky figured out what you guys were gonna do. You never even called me. and not even the next day. next week. nothing.

Shit, you made me feel bad. Well I really wanted to salvage our friendship so I said to myself. oh let it go, call her up. it was like the day before my open house right. So I call you and ask if you want to do something. you cousins are in town? or some shit... you couldn't do anything. even though you were leaving in the morning for wicked. your cousins aare at your house? or some shit. even though I didn't even believe you because your sister was on the other line. why would your sister be on the phone if you had company over.

you are a bithc jess. you told me you'd call me after you figured out when you were eating dinner and all that bull shit. you got my CELL number. rmemebmer how you asked for it specifically so you could CALL ME BACK and we could plan something?

remember that jess.

whatever. i'm so fucking done with friends. all they do is lie and blow you the fuck off.

even dani blew me off. wow. yeah shes someone i never thought would. but no, i left my open house shit up for you dan. the table and everything. the tri fold with all the pictures and my computer..

but whatever.

I'm done.

I drove into Cedar today for the first time in like a week or more and I realized how finished I am with this town. muhahaha. Woohu is like my only connection to it. That and I owe a movie back to Movie Gallery by Saturday.

and then I'm done with you Cedar Springs.

God those feelings have been boiling inside me . and I just dont know how I'm supposed to forgive someone when they've blown me off like a thousand times. You made me feel like shit and i've been just letting it sit inside me for a week. but you know what, when I went to the store for my mom to get some fucking italian dressing for the pasta salad for my open house, i got into the car and fucking bawled my eyes out Jess becuase I honestly cannot figure out if you really want to be my friend or if you are just FULL OF SHIT. do you just really FORGET to call me or get to busy or are you really just full of shit. whatever. my point is, you really fucking hurt my feelings. and I hope maybe you care. but you probably dont.

so at least with this my feelings are out and i feel oh... a tad bit better.

Ta.

Wait, to Jess, If there was one thing I really wish I could undo and take back, it would be that night that I left you and went with Roman. I would take it back. My feelings and emotions were going crazy. we had just broken up and i just wanted him and only him. and left you and it was a a horrible and selfish thing for me to do. when i think about it, it honestly makes me feel horrible and sick and guilty. I'm truly sorry for that. But you know, no. I dont know where I"m going with that. I'm not going anywhere. All I'm saying is sorry. I'm apologizing for that and I hope you accept that. Because it was just really mean of me. and I'm sorry.

8 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 25 June :: 12.02 am

I got one question for ya'll

BOOM BOOM ...!

how'd you get so sexy?>

biattttchhhhess hollla!

8 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 23 June :: 4.57 pm

So, after going to the orientation today, i am feeling a little bit better about going to college.

i also got fourty bucks for playing a trivia game thing and having our group win. cool.

and wonderful, i have july 4th off because it is a tuesday. AMAZING that i got that day off, so many people asked it off but i guess they were nice enough to give me it off as well since tuesday is supposed to be my designated "day off" anyway.

so hoorah.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 21 June :: 11.32 pm

I spent two nights with Roman again. Blessed. It's like everything bad that we are dealing with in our lives momentarily disappears when we are together. I hope that never goes away.

We got a futon and I was proud of us because we bartared with them and lowered the price by $15!! Woo go us. I was like, "ask if they think it's realy worth ____" and he got them to lower the price 10 bucks. then I say "Hmm.... I dunooo honeyyyy, what do you think?" *twist hair and give indecisive looking eyebrow arch* "Okay, OKay," the sales lady says, "You dont have to twist my arm" and she lowers the price by $5 more. Hahaha we win!

anyway, it's black and exactly what we wanted for a fraction of the cost!

I bought some awesome clothes today that I am excited about. God, I can't believe I just used the word awesome. I loathe it. Anyway, I used gift certificates, in my defense.

Then I went to work, it was easy. Had a meeting so it's like I only had to work 5 hours really. I might miss my coworkers when I transfer Menards locations. I'm kinda sad about that. oh well.

Roman and I went to Vandercook lake in Spring Arbor while i was there in Jackson... It was a blast. It was the most perfect sunny day. We forgot the grill to cook our 97 cent hot dogs that we bought so we were angry and pissy but then he convinced me to actually go in the water and we had such a fun time. God I needed that.

So, I pay my car insurance tomorrow and I am finally under my own plan, not paying my parents anymore. I schedule classes for Davenport on Friday (scary). So I guess, Responsibility, here I come.

Other than that.... There are two things I really hate right now: Smoking/cigarettes, and money... Yeah. I'm not even going to try to explain why I hate the first thing I listed. Gawd, how selfish. HOW SELFISH!!!! Nevermind.

Anyway, i have a sad, lonely, slightly drunken boyfriend to tend to. Long story. I'm off.

I love him.

PS. I am also getting quite excited for stef and paul's wedding. I really like this guy. A good catch, definetly. i dont know where I'm going with that, but i'm just glad stef isn't marrying some jerk.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 17 June :: 10.39 pm

Well my open house went well actually.

thanks to everyone who came. and especially thanks to gunnie. the letter was incredibly sweet. it meant a lot and i'm so glad you came. i'm sorry i missed you when you left and i feel like an ass. i miss you, i really truly do. i really realized that today...but i feel like i never missed a beat with you. i feel like we still are the friends we always were. i love you!!

and other than that... my family was all cool and the weather was hot but very nice and afterwards me and roman hung out, couldn't find anything to do , so we ended up staying at MY house, which is totally amazing, and watching a movie which we probably haven't done in an entire year. it felt nice and like the old days.

anyway, hooray, im done with that and one step closer to moving out.

yesterday i packed so much stuff. all my cds and my stereo are packed in boxes and taped shut. my picture frames are all put away and wrapped up tight with packing paper. .. we are just so excited for this. i can't wait! looking at those moving boxes in my room just makes me a million more time excited. hooray.

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 16 June :: 11.46 pm

god why do you keep totally blowing me off?

are you my friend or are you just pretending? i'm really confused.

and it's really annoying.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 16 June :: 6.49 pm

so my open house is tomorrow

2-5. at my house. cool,

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 14 June :: 1.11 am

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
And please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
Please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
Babe, and it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
Babe, and it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 13 June :: 1.45 am

So today was nice. i worked a reallly short shift of only 4 hours ... except for getting out late it was a good shift. i was so pissed we got slammed when i was supposed to get out and i guess 2 girls got confussed on who was supposed to go in for me so neither one did and i got out like 20 minutes late. it sucked

but then i met roman and we got TONS of stuff from paul and stef *THANK YOU GUYS* ...tons of towels, glasss cups, dishes plates, toaster oven, george formann grill, gosh i cant even remmber it all.. a tv and stand... all for a great deal. so thanks again guys we really appreciate it.

then amazing and even though we "shouldnt" have, we went to Logans for dinner in Kzoo because we hadnt ate out in a long time. we were just gonna use the grill again but we didnt want to.

well then we went to meijers and got some sheets and pillow cases for like 13 bucks which was a great deal and some fancy placemats.

i am throughly excited to move into the new place. now my only problem is how tremendously my insurance has been raised because of that ticket i got. ugh so if anyone knows a cheap insurance company let me know please.

that is all.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 13 June :: 1.42 am

Holy shit.

i had totally forgotten how much i love
1. taking back sunday

and deffinetely,

2. 311. OMG.

i missed it and i dindt even know it.

i guess i just have to thank Kevin Japanee Cuppett for introducing me to both those bands. I love it.

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 10 June :: 11.28 pm

boring. dumb.
Read more..

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 10 June :: 7.23 pm

man, i wonder what it would be like to be part of the FCU.

bitch.

::Yessa..::