j e s s i c a

5 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 20 August :: 9.13pm

Workin for the Man
New Exchange Administrator right here

:: 2010 11 August :: 3.19pm

for some reason i just started thinking:

"lolly, lolly, lolly, get your adverbs here. Father son and lolly get your adverbs here..."

I have either been watching too much children's programming or the onset of school next month is driving me crazy.

spud

:: 2010 11 August :: 12.51am

let's see....

canoe trip was fun.

cedar point was awesome.

i spent some time today tearing the mower apart, cleaning it out, replacing the fuel line, and then reassembling everything. it still ran like shit, but at least it still ran - i didn't break anything! which also means that it's probably the spark plug. i pulled it and it's pretty well fried, i think. sometimes it's hard to tell with those; they can look all crudded up and still fire okay. but since it's not running and i already checked pretty much everything else on the engine, process of elimination mandates that it is indeed the culprit. a new one will either confirm or deny the theory, at any rate. it's kinda dumb that i tore it all apart, and still didn't fix the problem, but the fuel line needed to be done anyway, so it worked out.

kinda taking a hiatus from the painting thing so i can help watch joe while he's up for the week. i do have to run and put in a bunch of screens at another house tomorrow afternoon. apparently the new tenants really want them. i have no idea if that hare-brained scheme of the hooks and latches is going to work, but there's only one way to find out.

dropped bruce's boat off at van's today. we'll see what they come up with. i wasn't there when he encountered the problem, so i have no idea what might be going on with that thing. invariably, it's something to do with the fact that he's left it sitting in the woods for the last two years, and has only taken it out on the water a select few occasions in that span of time. he's not very neat or clean or proper with that thing, all of which are kind of requisite. outboard motors are notoriously finnicky and demand special attention... which is why his never run correctly.
i did feel really dumb, though. i had to use chuck's truck to tow it down there, since i only have an 1 7/8" ball on my truck, and it's a 2" hitch on that trailer. but chuck's truck only has the round trailer light jack, while the trailer has a flat plug. so i drove it all the way to alpine without trailer lights, because i was running out of time and didn't know what else to do. i just had to get it done and get his truck back to him. after i drop it off, bruce calls to see how i'm doing. i explain about the plug thing, and he says, "isn't the adapter in that orange bin?"
"what orange bin?"
"the one i gave you with all the trailer hitch stuff in it"
". . . oh. that one. yeah, maybe. didn't think to check there."
i get home (sans trailer), and sure as shit, it's sitting right there in the orange bin with all the trailer hitch stuff. i felt like such a dumbass. and driving that thing over there without lights was no treat, let me tell you. people on alpine will tailgate and cut you off simultaneously, without warning; especially if you're towing something. and that's dangerous when they don't have any way of knowing you had to slam on your brakes for smiling Jack Asshole, who realized at the last possible second that this was his turn, so he darts across two lanes of traffic halfway through the intersection. yeah, alpine.

:: 2010 10 August :: 10.08pm
:: Music: The Postal Service- The District Sleeps Tonight

I'm staring at the asphalt wondering/ What's buried underneath where I am...
Smeared black ink
Your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening
To last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge
A vinyl sticker with big block letters
Adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends
I am a visitor here: I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I am just visiting
And I finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

The district sleeps alone tonight
After the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving
Into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

:: 2010 9 August :: 6.44pm

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Every season brings something new for God to teach us. And in every season, as hard or as easy at the good may be to find...it's still always there. Blessings are still always present. I have a lot of blessings, and they definatly out weigh my problems. Some would belly ache and feel angry at the world, but I'm not going to do that.

I have a great husband, already the worlds most precious child, a GREAT set of families, friends, and church family. Everything else is just stuff, things, or money. All re-placable.

Thank you God for carrying my worries, my stress, and my short comings. Thank you for covering me with your blood, making it ok that I am in-perfect.

:: 2010 5 August :: 12.13am

somedays, when i see the wedding albums of all the people i know on facebook, i get sad. I am happy for the people... don't get me wrong, but i wish that i could have gotten those things.
no wedding cake
no pretty white dress
no pictures

i wish i could have that fairy tale.

:: 2010 3 August :: 7.25am

Power Slave (iron Maiden)

Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave
I don't wanna die, I'm a God,
Why can't I live on?
When the Life Giver dies,
All around is laid waste,
And in my last hour,
I'm a Slave to the Power of Death.

fishyrere

:: 2010 2 August :: 11.39am

I'm getting married in 5 days.

:)

wraith6699

:: 2010 31 July :: 7.45pm

Happy Lunghnasadh
Hello again Woohu. Life for me has been hell for the past month. I feel like I've been broken down into my base elements with only myself to look to for re assemblage. It hasn't killed me yet at least. The good news is that I've become a better person because of it. Here's to new beginnings, and the growth that we've seen in the past year. Happy first harvest festival.

:: 2010 30 July :: 3.32pm

it's a bit messed up when i start singing songs in my head just to avoid these arguments. I want this fuck head of a "guest" not to come back.

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 28 July :: 2.38pm

Well we had two names picked out for both sexes. One he really liked for a girl, and one I really liked. Vice versa for the boy. Here they are:

Jess-(Girl) Addison Hope Ellison
(Boy) Aiden Gabriel Ellison

Ryan-(Girl) Hailey Brooke Ellison
(Boy) Landon Grabriel Ellison

So because I couldn't swade him to pick both my names, and I REALLY love Addison, we decided if it's a girl, it'll be Addison, if it's a boy he gets his pick and it'll be Landon. Although I have to say...I still can't quiet picture it...at all. "Landon, honey come here" or "Landon Gabriel Ellison you are in big trouble mister"....I can't picture it. *crosses my fingers* it's a girl, so I have another two years to talk him into liking Aiden lol.

:: 2010 27 July :: 11.51am
:: Mood: insanely over-joyed.

Could it be any better than this?
I am thankful to the Lord for the life he has given me. In my 21 years of life, I've been exceedingly blessed! I believe He pours blessings into all of our lives, and it's up to us to discover and praise them, or wish we had more and ignore those already in front of us.

I've had my time of bad choice after bad choice, from my middle school years up until high school graduation. I've had my fair share of causing more trouble for myself than ever needed, tangling my life up in lies and changing my mind, I've had my fair chance to destroy and damage relationships and friendships, my fair share at having pour respect for myself, my time of being the most selfish person who couldn't be happy for anyone else who had something physically or emotionally that I WANTED, I've had my fair share of finding a way at being depressed about every little thing like my life was never good enough, I've had my FAIR share at complaining about everything that ever came into my life, because of course....it SHOULD have been better, and OF COURSE, I deserved more than what I was given, the list goes on.

Then I found God, and really gave my life to living in the fact that I trust him above all other things. Although it isn't close to being easy sometimes...and I fall short every day, I put him before all other things my marriage, my realtionships, my dreams, my future, and I trust that his path for me is the right one, that leads to the most meaningful blessings. As soon as I started living for God, immediatly my entire life changed. My relationship with my family was restored, my friendships became many, blessed, and strong, the respect I had for myself changed drastically, and then along came my husband, and along comes my first child. I owe everything to God! I thank Him, and praise Him!

I don't know what it is about this morning, but I woke up, ready to just ENJOY everything. From the food I put in my mouth, the house stuff I needed to get done for the day, the finicial list of to do's, to the book I'm reading. Today I am happy. "Today is the day that the Lord has made, we shall rejoice and be glad in it."

It isn't always easy to find the good when it feels or seems like so much bad is going on around you, but if you really look at whats REALLY important, and that you are loved, you have food in stomach, a place to call home, family, friends, and above all things a Lord and Creator who LOVEs each and everyone of us, would do anything for us, such as die for us, how could you still salk in misery and sorrow?

My life is by no means perfect to the standard of today's word. We don't have a lot of money, I am searching for a job...already over 4 months pregnant, I have no idea how long we will be in this house...that gets broken into and cars broken into all the time, I've been immensly hurt by those I love in the past, neither of us has a dream career/job, we don't drive nice cars, can't go out and do whatever we want on the weekends as we have abudget we are strickly trying to stick to, the list goes on. And YET I would consider my life in the sense of what's REALLY important pretty near perfect. I have a husband who loves me, adores me, treats me great, and is going to be the world's most AMAZING father. Our marriage isn't perfect, it has many many flaws. We like everyone else, have our up's and down's, but we forgive, we forget, we move on, we respect one another, we treat each other well, we try out very hardest o keep promises, do our best, and when we fall short, we forgive and get over it. I have a beautiful, precious, gorwing baby inside of me getting bigger and bigger every day, I have two really supportive and wonderful family's, plus the worlds greatest church family that means so much to us both, and amazing friendships. We have enough money to pay our bills, to be fed, and to save for our baby. I couldn't really hope for more. Ryan just found out today he only has 7 more classes, that he will be done by summer, and I am SO incrediably proud of him and how hard he has worked despite working 3rd shift and having no time to sleep, to now working 50+ hours a week, baby on the way, a wife to spend time with, church activies, a life! And he has worked so hard, and I honestly have never been so proud of someone in my entire life! He is apporaching the finish line so quickly, and I am his number one biggest fan!! I'm there waiting at that finish line cheering as loud as I can!!

God gives me cards, and I make the best out of what I'm dealt. I know there is a reason behind every thing that He chooses to have happen, and I know there is a season for everything. This just so happens to be an AMAZING season of blessings, love, and we are soooo grateful! I can't wait to hold that bare skinned baby up against my chest while he/she sleeps and makes the most adorable baby sounds, coo's, and yawns. :)

All praise and glory be to God!

:: 2010 25 July :: 12.14pm

sometimes I think my "friends" are just politely saying they don't want to see me in encrypted messages. I want a heart of stone. I hate feeling like this is all a lie.

If that's the truth tho, i guess i will never find out. My phone calls and attempts to do things can just be continuously evaded. Life goes on right, and nobody will ever truly understand how damaged i feel, how empty, or how alone.

:: 2010 24 July :: 3.00am
:: Mood: numb

I should have known better.

I don't care what other people's beliefs, opionon's are, or what's acceptable to them. I'm not other people. I don't live my life for other people.

It's not acceptable to me. That is not what WE discussed.

No one but �OU could understand how hurt I am, how much my heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest..once again.

I walk blindly...trusting someone who told me they could see ahead...turns out you're the blind one.

I feel so scared I can barely breathe, and it's all your fault. Selfish and pathetic. Will you ever expierence this kind of anxiety? No..because you are taken....care of for life.

:: 2010 23 July :: 5.46pm

somedays my dad just annoys me!

:: 2010 21 July :: 11.25pm

the people who told me to open up and trust have hurt me worst of all. it would figure right

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2010 21 July :: 11.20pm

How long do u live your life "playing by the rules" and "doing things the right way" even if u hate it more than anyything before u actually go out and do what u really want to do and get the things out of life that are actually importnat to you? I don't want to play it safe anymore.I can't live like this-i need help but there is no where to get help- admitting failure .... I wish I could start over again and focus on what I was made for. I wish I could understand why I am like thuis and I wish I could know the right things to do. I just feel like there really are no solutions and I hate it

:: 2010 18 July :: 11.48am
:: Mood: annoyed

un-grateful.
I'm annoyed by people and their constant complaining. Be grateful for something! Find the positive somewhere in the negative.

I know everyone needs to vent and that's understandable,but there's just no reason to think the world is coming to an end because heaven forbid something doesn't go our way.

People are homeless, starving, filthy and cold sleeping under bridges with no family, no friends, no hope, people are fighting cancer, greifing loss, have nothing to call their own after disasters strike, and everyday we find a reason to complain. My life isn't perfect, my prayer list is 10 pages long, but I'm still grateful and HAPPY!

Sometimes I wish certain people would wake up on the other side of the world, with nothing but faith..and maybe they'd be a bit more apprciative and not act like the world is ending because of petty and pathetic crap.

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 18 July :: 2.11am

gettin drunk and yellin at my dog, classic

spud

:: 2010 16 July :: 3.03pm

my life right now

A breadth-first search makes a lot of sense for dating in general, actually; it suggests dating a bunch of people casually before getting serious, rather than having a series of five-year relationships one after the other.

m&ms487

:: 2010 16 July :: 12.33am

I went to the Roethke House tonight in Saginaw with my graduate literary criticism class. I was so sad to see the state that one of Michigan's best poet's house is in. The Friends of Theordore Roethke (a non-profit) have tried to refurbish and renovate it, but he's not as well known as he should be and the money just isn't there...yet. I'm trying to get some of my Kappa Kappa Psi Brothers together to do a day renovation. It looks like it's a favorable idea. I hope that it helps!

:: 2010 14 July :: 5.14pm

i am feeling a bit mischievous! I wish I could come back to MI for a few days while my hubby is traveling.

And maybe I am.... oh yay!

jes	:: 2010 14 July :: 6.04pm To have a friend, you must be a friend. ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 13 July :: 7.16pm

I'm sick of fighting. I am sick of headaches and I AM SICK OF CLEANING UP THE SAME MESSES! I just want to be happy and calm. Is that too much to ask for?

Why is it that I don't' ever get a break, and as soon as he comes home from work that is all he gets. It's just the same redic. shit on another fucking day. And I wonder why I don't have a portfolio at all going into my senior year... maybe if i had the time to ever be creative I wouldn't feel like such a worthless sac.

spud

:: 2010 13 July :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: BnL - Bank Job

life barrels on.

being single is not all it's cracked up to be. i know i'm pathetic, but it's just really nagging at me a lot lately. but at the same time, it's not good to be desperate. that would be a good way to rush into something ill-advised. i figure if i'm gonna be in a relationship, i would want it to be one worth having, and worth taking the time to do it properly. not that there's a rulebook on how those things work or anything, but i do know that it at least takes time and energy to cultivate something lasting. i feel like i'd probably prefer something with more longevity over something of a fling. even though the fling is less daunting, and could be lots of fun in the short haul.

but enough about that. i can't help but notice that a lot of my good friends keep moving away. which is fine, i'm very happy for them. but it makes me want to get the fuck outta here in a quick hurry. not that i'ma run off to japan or anything, but i really want to do something, ANYTHING to break up the monotony.

get a fucking job, you hippie.

which reminds me, i do have work tomorrow and thursday. hopefully that'll mean some gas in the truck, and maybe some grocery money for chuckles.

the drum lessons have been fun thus far, but i'm not sure how well i'm doing as an instructor, and they're definitely not breaking the bank. eh, whatevs. at least it's something.

oh, other exciting update! i was at becca's saturday night (well, sunday morning) and thrashed my foot pretty good on an angle bracket. considering how deep it is, it doesn't hurt too badly, and i've been fairly diligent about keeping it cleaned out and putting antibiotic ointment on it, but it's still not healing up any too quickly. it's a pain in the ass because it's right on my heel. i have this irrepressible tendency to walk on it. maybe i'll take pictures and post them up for funzies. evidence that i'm a dumbass and a klutz.

:: 2010 10 July :: 7.53pm
:: Music: Ben Folds Five- Fair

I send my best, cause God knows, you've seen my worst...
you know when you don't listen to an album for a really long time and then you listen to it again and it's like... whoa.

i bought ben folds five- whatever and ever amen, on cd... i already have it, but it's on..umm... cassette tape.... so i haven't listened to it in a while.

<3

:: 2010 8 July :: 9.29pm
:: Music: Ben Folds- Kalamazoo

Don't you know that I've been there too?
Ran out of time
Running my mouth
Ran up a tab and
All the way from Kalamazoo
On my way back home
I was surely stoned
Now I'm sober in my yard

Can't believe I was there
Can't believe I've been anywhere else

There was a time
Almost forgot
We had been drifting
All the way to Kalamazoo
And I said that I loved you too
All the way back home

There's an old joke
I just made up
How many of me
Would it take to screw up your life?
One to settle down
One to turn you 'round
Now I'm sober in my yard

I would say you had to be there
And I regret that you're still there

Seems like you'd be frozen
Frozen there in time
Waving your goodbye
High up to the sky

Your place on the map
Has faded away
Looks to be lost in
More that one way, Kalamazoo
Don't you know that I've been there too?
And it puts your mind more at ease
If you'd say the words of release
All the way back home

:: 2010 7 July :: 9.29pm

i think i might have a driniking problem.........

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 6 July :: 10.00pm

Kinda want a mullet mobile, don't have money for it right now.

:: 2010 6 July :: 8.00pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World- Always Be

How are you gonna know the feeling/ until you lost it?/ I've been losing plenty since...
Could've been a night like any other
One of us has to drive
One of us gets to think
I'll force a laugh to break the silence
It's gonna get harder still
Before it's easy
You can't keep safe
what wants to break

I'm alone in this
I'm a "as-I've-always-been"
Right behind what's happening
She's a "lost-in-this"
She's a light
She'll always be
a little far for me to reach

I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought i was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know
How are you gonna know the feeling
Until you lost it
I've been losing plenty since

Maybe something else I'm missing
Something good and you're the reason
It's a dream but there's a real world waitng