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:: 2010 6 July :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: listless

why is it that friends just make me sad? or I feel broken because I am just all alone.

In other non whining about how my friends make me depressed news... apparently August 7th we (and by we, I mean my graduating class) are having a 5 year beach party. I like how it is not really official and I am invited through facebook. Maybe I'll sit on the beach here in Kenosha staring out at Lake Michigan thinking... Wow has it really been 5 years? I don't need to go home to see all those people. Most of the people I care enough to keep tabs on are facebook friends, and I wasn't much wanted or needed 5 years ago, so I think I can wait another 5 years to go and see that crowd anyways.

Mike is thankfully enjoying his new job and left for a 24 hour trip to pick up 3 ppl to bring back to WI tomorrow.
The suck thing is that as always I am left alone.
Being a cooped up bitch must just be the life. Although, you would think with how social I can be professionally, I would have more friends. Funny how it works, that the rest of the time I am just a wall flower, with nothing and no one.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 1 July :: 3.19pm

Today is the second day of my graduate class. I really like this class and I am one of four undergraduates, the others are teachers and a graduate students in creative writing.

I'm role playing Longinus tonight and I am prepared and ready to go! He is all about the sublimity of poetry and literature.

Working out is going great and I feel like a totally different person!

:: 2010 25 June :: 9.24am
:: Mood: mellow

Summer Session one is done! I earned an A in biology 240 and it put my gpa up .01 to 3.77. Whateve. I start English 535 in a week and a half, but the prof already has us started with stuff. I have three days off next week and I'm sure that I'll be in the library for a while.

It's so weird to think that one year from now I could possibly be somewhere other than Michigan training for Teach for America, or I could be entering my second semester as a graduate student. Weird. Weird.

It's nice having some semblence of a day off. I don't work until six tonight, so I'm going to get up, eat, do some tae bo, bake some cookies, and just hang out with Rueben until I have to leave.

I think it might be summer now.

:: 2010 24 June :: 8.51am

ya know considering that I am 23 I should not be having petty arguments with my mom. I am so sick of being blamed for her finances I could just smack her.

I as an only child, should be able to expect some help with buying clothes. Oh wait... I had to buy my own shit in high school, why the fuck would I get help now.

I am fed up with not having appropriate clothes for the season and even more annoyed that I am constantly having to get clothes that my friends are getting rid of, and then keeping them forever, just because I constantly am unable to get any clothes for myself. I really wish I had the gumption in high school that I have now... but it's prolly good I didn't, or I would have been in a lot of fights.

I am not spoiled! I have to work for what I want/ need. And considering that everyone thinks my parents are rich just because we have a jewelry store... wake the fuck up and smell the roses. The only people who seem to buy gold these days are place who are selling it to china. And people buying 9karat or less stamped goods coming from china with.... *drumroll please*... unregulated markings!
People keep buying crap that is marked totally wrong. What happened to trade regulation, and pride in work? What happened to honesty? We are living in an era where it is so difficult to find any of the things we ought to have. Decency is gone... for the most part. I am sick of living in a world where it feels like I am the only one who cares.

What's worse is Mike doesn't even want to understand. I feel totally fucking alone. I should probably be used to that by now... since it's just about all i've felt for the last 10 years.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 21 June :: 5.19pm

the entire time i have a woman, i'm bitching about her. (okay not really, but sometimes)

the minute i'm alone, i want one.

oh, the paradox that is me.

i suppose i'd have to stop hanging out with old people all the time to actually meet someone my age. but where's the fun in that?

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 21 June :: 9.23am

I'm on the pursuit of happiness <3

Mike starts his new job today. And I am wishing I could have stayed in MI for at least another week.

Oh yeah... and wake up sex rocks! lol

jes	:: 2010 18 June :: 2.28pm Hey negative nancy...is there anything you DON'T complain about? So much belly aching..is there anything you're actually grateful for? Of course not... ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 16 June :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: in the middle of a mood swing...
:: Music: casting crowns-if we are the body

I'm craving a pickel....
Yes, it's true...I'm pregnant. Almost exactly 3 months. Am I excited? Yes, of course. Does this mean that I want to talk about being pregnant, that I crave pickels, get dirreha from greasy food, puke sometimes when I brush my teeth, what the coolest stroller on the market is, if I plan to breast feed..and if so for how long, do I discharge when pregnant, is it true you're really more horny, NO NO NO!! Good Lord, I don't even want to talk about that with my husband let alone Mr. Clemintine down the street I've met once...or the girl from high school I haven't seen since graduation. Yet..here I am talking about it. How ironic. When you tell the world you're pregnant ...it's like nothing else matters. "I got hit by a car last week", ...."SO how's that baby, feel any kicks yet?". C'mon. I cannot wait to be a mother...actually I can! I have 6 more months to enjoy not having a child for the rest of my life, can we please talk about this new outfit I bought to cover up my buldging stomach? Thanks.

Maybe another side effect of pregnancy is constantly being annoyed by people. Ignorance is bliss, no? I don't claim to be perfect, because well ...I'm not. The fact that I can't stand judgemental people...point in case right there. Maybe that kind of defeats my whole annoyance, I'm not sure. I just really don't think President Obama nor the bum who walks around my neighborhood a few times a day has any right to judge me or my neighbor. You may not agree with my life choices, my crappy spelling and grammer, or what I believe when it comes to how you should treat your parents, how long is TOO long to change the cat litter, or how to handle a sexual preditor but as long as it isn't offending right from wrong..and basic morals, maybe you should just keep your mouth closed. You too can easily be judged on the exact words you're speaking of. I'm not perfect, neither are you. So no one should be judging anyone. If you're going to judge me on my income, maybe I should judge you on your sanity? Fair, no. Because no one has any place. Nor does anyone actually listen to the point of the one placing judgements on others. A lesson I had to learn the hard way, most definatly. Hopefully everyone learns this lesson in life. Unfortunately some never do.

Today the woodchuck living under our front porch (yes we live in DOWNTOWN grand rapids and have a whole circus of zoo animals...skunks, woodchucks, rabbits, birds, moles, ect.) killed something as I was doing camp work in the living room. All I could hear was the screeching sound of the prey as the woodchuck snarled, hissed, and attacked. Did I mention...I really cannot wait to move out of Grand Rapids? :)

My sister is getting married! In less than a month. I'm so excited! I'm trying not to smuther and want to help plan, and plot lol but I'm just so happy for her. She's my only sister, and I want her to have the most memorable and special day like I did. Minus loosing any important documentations that actually prove you're married...heh. Or..nearly crashing your car into the highway divider because you've been up for 48 hours on your way to Detriot at 2 am to leave for your honeymoon. Guess who didn't have sex the night of their honeymoon, just kidding...or am I?

I can't cook chicken....it reminds me of a fetus when I'm cooking it...sick.

I have a pretty amazing husband...don't get me wrong he really gets under my skin sometimes (love you honey!) as does any spouse, boyfriend, fiance, but I could not do this pregnancy without him. He is my very best friend, who makes me laugh, and even cry. (Good tears...for the most part ;) lol) We have our moments and fights like any other couple, but he isn't afraid to call me out when I'm being selfish or just a big baby. One thing I've loved about him from day 1, is that he never is disappointed in me. He doesn't have all these expectations for me, other than to love him and be there for him. So when I mess up, I never feel like my head it rubbed into my mess. He always lends a helping hand to get me back up to where I want to be. I love him for everything he is to me...my best friend, my security guard at night when I hear any noise, my lover, my chef when I'm craving the worlds BEST grilled cheese, my husband, and soon to be father of our child. He's just great.

There goes the woodchuck again..I wonder what he killed now. Hope it wasn't one of my dogs. On that note..I should probably go check.

:: 2010 15 June :: 9.37am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Train- "If It's Love"

I finally finished the first draft of my writing sample for graduate school. It's titled _Sister, Where Art Thou?_ and is a combination of feminist criticism, feminist theory, and historical christian texts. Basically, it investigates the question of why there are so few women writers and why, when women writers do first prominently appear in literary circles in the nineteenth century, they were faced with the fracturing of their "womanly" personality and their "authorial" personality. The great thing about it is that I'm sure I can expand on it and perhaps it might be a direction for my eventual thesis.

I purchased a tae-bo dvd yesterday with the intention of attempting it this morning. I've managed to stay at the same weight since my surgery and even bought a new bathing suit yesterday-a size 12. It's definitely odd to eat, be full, and not feel like I'm going to puke. I find myself being a lot less crazy about food and it's definitely a MUCH healthier relationship. I eat what I want, when I want-but I don't eat if I'm not hungry, and I still can't eat that much because of my stomach size. I'm okay with that, though. I can eat a hotdog (with bun) or almost all of fajita size taco in one sitting. It's wonderful!

I'm editing a novel for pay this week. It's going well, and is probably something I would consider doing freelance during graduate school if I can find the work.

A Year Passes

Beyond the porcelain fence of the pleasure garden,
I hear the frogs in the blue-green ricefields;
But the sword-shaped moon
Has cut my heart in two.
-Amy Lowell, March 1917

:: 2010 13 June :: 11.20pm

somedays i think i am cursed to always be alone... might as well start getting used to my own company

:: 2010 12 June :: 3.42am

Who you are can be better.

:: 2010 11 June :: 9.12pm

I'M DRUNK and this is exciting.
the movie of my life.... paul played by jason segal... me played by amy adams.............. AWESOME.

9 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 26 May :: 10.28pm

i hate that mike isn't working normal hours. i hate not being able to know when the heck he'll be home...

:: 2010 24 May :: 10.46pm

I am two and a half weeks post surgery and I am doing very well. I've been eating solid foods for about a week and haven't had many problems with my reflux. I climbed a flight of stairs today without feeling like I was going to throw up.

This evening I had dinner with some Brothers and ate asparagus, stuffed chicken breast, stuffed zucchini, and creamy pesto pasta. I still can't eat much because they used part of my stomach for the wrap, but it was so wonderful to eat until I was full without feeling sick!

Summer classes are in full swing and I am enjoying my summer. Back to work tomorrow, unfortunately.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 20 May :: 6.37pm

Knowing how fragile mortality is and then if not completely disregarding it.

:: 2010 20 May :: 1.53pm

sometimes life makes me feel like we will always be stuck between a rock and a hard place. thankfully things somewhat pan out. and thank God that our land lord is willing to work with us and can understand how life happens.

a long weekend of work and weddings in MI is coming up.

:: 2010 18 May :: 11.24am

wtf, mate

been feeling really weird and detached the past couple of days. not sure why. been more sober than usual (though still not completely) so maybe that's part of it. also, my dear seester is gonna be sixteen in a couple days. makes me feel fucking old.

also also, still no job. sucks ducks, man. need a job. handyman scheduled me for like 2 hours on friday this week. awesome. there's 10 dollars that i'll see in two weeks. fucking bullshit.

just not feeling very enthused about much of anything in general. would like to be excited about something - anything - soon, very soon.

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 18 May :: 9.35am

almost done with school for the semester... thank god. and it seems funny to me how many people are now photographers that I know. at least we all have our own niche, which makes me not as bothered by it.
This week shall be filled with cleaning and rearranging... then off to MI for Garrett and Amanda's wedding. I need to find a job like asap, but right now i feel way too sleepy to even think about what i have to do for my exam in 30 mins.
everything will pan out... i have to believe that much.

:: 2010 14 May :: 1.28pm

i'm quite amused by the way that people lie to make others feel better after a breakup. Ah well, perhaps in the end we shall find that the truth always comes out... but i'm not going to be the bitch to ruin everyones day!

although i am very amused!

:: 2010 13 May :: 9.51am

He's Captain America, not Captain Government.

7 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 11 May :: 10.05pm

i need glasses. gr. i just cant afford them. its bugging me.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 7 May :: 3.13am

Spoiler Alert: Tony Stark finds the Green Lantern's crossbow in New Mexico at the end of Iron Man 2.

13 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 6 May :: 10.23pm

We might not make it to finals, let alone Monday, but that was one hell of a game.

I love the Red Wings.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 28 April :: 10.10am
:: Mood: indifferent

The end of the semester is nearing and I am ready for it. These next few weeks are going to be a flurry of activity.

I just finished my last French Oral Exam about forty minutes ago. I am actually sad that I'm not continuing on in French, but I don't have the time. It seems like a waste that I'm just stopping after all the work I've put in over the past two years, but I need to keep going. If I just stopped to work on whatever tickled my fancy, I'd never leave college.

I have to meet with my academic advisor in a few hours to have him sign a modification of my major. I just need him to okay a few switch arounds so that I can graduate. When you sign your major they make you pick what electives you want which is dumb because when you're a sophomore you don't even know what you like and what classes will be offered that fit into your schedule.

I have class at two and three-thirty and get to present a paper on The Role of First Lady shaping policies and attitudes in the United States. After that, I have a review for Ancient Literature and a close reading paper to turn in.

I have a review session for Social, Liberalism, and Fascism at 8pm to finish up a study guide.

Tomorrow, I get to go to the Office of Student Life at 9am to find out if I am in the top ten for CMU Homecoming Ambassador for next fall. Then, it's off to the final Kappa Kappa Psi meeting of the year to finish up elections and install new officers. Finally, I have an interview at the Writing Center at 5:30pm.

Next week I have four exams and the my surgery on Thursday for my acid reflux. I guess I feel a bit indifferent toward the surgery. I've been living like this for so long that I don't really want to get my hopes up. The surgery does work in most cases, but there is a chance it won't. At least it will be a chance for me to relax during my 23 hour hold and get some intravenous pain medication.

Then, in just three weeks, my summer classes start. It's hard to feel excited about the end of the semester when I'm not really going to have a chance to relax; BUT, I would rather be taking summer classes than working at Meijer forty hours a week killing my soul.

Whatever may come, may come.
Whatever will be, will be.
I will keep going, I will survive,
Because all I have is me.

-Michelle

spud	:: 2010 27 April :: 5.19pm i need to go do something. that way, i'll have something to write about when i come back. because, even if i embellish it, my day to day life is pretty bland most of the time. 4 ::..So what?..:: \| ::Yessa..::

spud	:: 2010 24 April :: 1.31pm :: Mood: mellow o rly? i did a thing! new journal stylez for the elite blogging community that is woohu. look at all the pretty colors. 4 ::..So what?..:: \| ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 21 April :: 12.00am

Iron Man Deuce on IMAX at midnight premiere

:: 2010 19 April :: 7.37am

Look what I found

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 18 April :: 2.41am

someone get me 8 grand so I can buy this
Read more..

6 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 15 April :: 12.00am

so i should be either doing hw or sleeping, but lacking motivation to do either... i'm online.
Ohh yeah, and happy birthday to me

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