I am so confused... I don't know what to do. Actually I already did what I felt like I should do, and it makes me feel like shit, and completely sick to my stomach. Then he left without talking to me.
I love him but I don't feel like I'm IN love with him, which is a completely overused line, but it's fitting. This week didn't feel right to me. I didn't feel like I used to feel, and I didn't get that little kick like I usually do when I first saw him. I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself it would blow over. After two years, you can't just stop having those feelings... I realize now that maybe you can. I talked to him and he just left without saying a thing. I don't really blame him, but... I don't know.
I don't want this to end on a bad note, but I don't really see it being a happy ending. There's nothing happy about it.
I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't know what to do, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy because then we would both just be miserable.
The horse didn't work out. I realized, after thinking about it, that it was too much of a commitment for me to make, in terms both of money and of time.
I'm moving to Santa Cruz tomorrow. Looks like Nathan is going to be living with me for a while because he still hasn't found a place of his own. School starts on Thursday.
Despite being 21, I still have not purchased any alcohol in the United States. I did order alcohol at a restaurant for the first time today, though.
So I went to the casino with the guys last night, everyone's in town so it was the first time we had hung out in forever. I made twenty bucks, so it was all fun... but then when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I go to plug in my phone, an cannot find it at all. I know I did not leave it at the casino, because I put it on vibrate on the way home because the battery was dying. However, other than that I'm fuckin lost. It might have fallen out in Wheaton, it might be in Renkoski's car. Or Tylor might have grabbed it thinking it was his (same make and color) when he and Jacob were leaving my house.
I'm pretty much freaking out, fyi. I know Kelly's going to call, and my mom was supposed to call me as well, but... ha. Not going to happen when I don't have my phone.
/dies
hmm okay so my family pisses me off. Ashley's a crazy psycho when she doesn't get like 80 hours of sleep, and apparently ... fuck, I don't know, I guess dad's driving to KC with me. I can go by myself, I am fully capable. Renkoski wanted to go with me, as well, so that would have been perfectly fine. I am so mad, I can't just be like, "No, I don't want you to go," because dad would flip out. The upside is that he'll pay for gas now... so that's cool. Gaaaah.
I wish that more people trusted me. I'm not an idiot. Fuck.
Fuck them.
::
2008 12 September :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: tv
Holy balls.
zomg, like three days. I'm so incredibly excited. Ashley doesn't trust my driving skills well enough to let me drive to KC so she'll be doing that. I'm not that great of a driver, tbh, but like... I'm not horrible. She's just a bitch. Lacey can't go because she has to teach a class that night; she was so upset. We'll be able to come straight home, though, instead of stopping at Harrisville to see Josh though. That's good because we can get home earlier, but kind of sucky because I really like Josh. He's a funny guy, and he got points because he complimented me on my frames, which not too many people have ever done. So, kudos to him.
Hmm... omg. I don't know, I'm just so excited that I can't even think.
Ha, I plan on calling in on Friday, pretending to be sick, so that I can just spend the day with Kell, plus I think we'll be moving into the new house that day. So... yeah. I'm kind of nervous about that, lol. I've never called in anywhere. It's probably silly, but oh well.
Lacey's being a whore and making fun of me because I snort when I laugh. She'll just randomly look at me and snort. It's rather amusing, however.
Ugh, I could just go on forever about things involving Kelly, but I won't.
<3 him!!
Stressed...
So I set up my router all by myself. I only freaked out once, and I like got on msn really fast, praying Kelly would have staye up late to talk to me, seeing as though it IS the weekend... but no. He didn't. Ugh. But I'm kind of happy, because I figured it out on my own and now I have that satisfaction.
/sigh
Ten more days!! omfg. I am so excited. I'm all nervous/giddy. I hope everyone gets along alright. I'm most worried about Ashley; she's a bitch and she is on purpose. She'll be mean and hateful and rude and not care. Lacey's already killed her, as have I, but who knows. She's just someone you ignore, basically, and I hope Kelly can do just that.
Mom and dad are freaks. Trevor's annoying. Taylor's an emo bitch.
Other than that it should be cool >.>;;
lol, whatever. I'm not even going to worry about it.
So, Ashley and Lacey went to the bar, Guitars, in Joplin, Jake went to a party, so I'm home all by myself in this great big house and I'm lonely. And exhausted from a LOOOOONG day at work. The past two nights we have been continually busy. To top it all off, my backs starting to get sore from like... idk, maybe awkwardly lifting heavy shit? Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable and sucky.
I've got so much homework to do and no time at all to do it. I have to read like eight chapters for philosophy, study for a quiz in business law, draw shit for art, and do all these problems for accounting that take like 30 minutes each. Plus, I work 2-10 tomorrow and sunday so I don't know when I'm going to get them done. I'll have to skip church sunday because tomorrow I have to go to the house really early and help mom with some shit.
UGH.
I need it to be Kelly time now. All this stress makes me want to start smoking again, which can't happen, cause eww.
Whatever.
<3!!
So like yesterday we got this tornado and it happened when I was at work, so I'm sitting there checking out this woman who I've seen quite a bit, and her three kids are with her. Then the sirens go off and someone hops on the intercom and is like, "attention Wal-Mart associates and customers, we have a code black. If you would please safely make your way to the back of the store in an orderly fashion." So the littlest kid is freaking out and I'm like "come on dude" and I grab his hand and walk with him and the rest of them to the back. Then I go back up to the front and there's this old woman kind of milling around and I'm like, "ma'am have you lost someone, or do you need any help?" She fucking looks at me and is like "I don't know about you wimps, but I'm not scared of no damn tornado, do you have any self check-outs? I just want to leave" Well I told her we didn't, that she was free to leave at her own risk, but if she wanted her stuff she'd have to come to the back of the store with me. After a TON of bitching on her part, she makes her way to the back. It lasted for like thirty minutes, nothing even happened, and finally the warning was lifted. So yeah, that was cool.
I get paid tomorrow, so that's awesome, I'm excited.
I have three classes today, and a quiz in one (Bus. Law) and it's raining and cold and depressing. I'm not going to enjoy sitting in class all afternoon/evening. Whatever though. I have accounting with Ashley and it's awesome; we sit there and make fun of people and talk all three fucking hours of the class. I love it.
Actually, here the past few weeks Ashley was a friggin douche nozzle, but things are kind of okay now. I don't know what her problem was. Alas, all's well that ends well.
I've been thinking about Justin a lot lately, which just depresses me. I miss him. We talked all the time, and it seems lately I just need to talk to him agan. He was seriously my best friend before he died, and it sucks. We hung out all the time and sometimes I just want those days back.
::
2008 2 September :: 10.27am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Simple Man - Shinedown
The first week of school went well enough, I suppose. I missed my first art class, just slept right through it, so that was just awesome. It turned out alright, though, because the teacher new of me thanks to dad, so he was cool. My Philosophy class is awesome, like seriously, amazing. I'm excited about it. I'm going to drop out of my online class, Economics 202. I have no idea what's going on in that class, so instead of failing I'm just going to drop it. I may find another class, but I don't really want to. I'll probably end up doing so, however, so that I don't have to take an extra class next semester.
Work is okay, I had this weird nightmare about it last night, though. Like I went to lunch with my friends, and forgot to clock out... it was dumb.
Now instead of Lacey moving out, which she was going to, Jake's going to move out. I'm tired of hearing them bitch, tbh, and don't really care. I cared more that Lacey was moving out, but I know I'll still talk to Jake occasionally so it doesn't really matter. Uh... I have to move all my shit upstairs, and his down. I'll pretty much have all of upstairs to myself, so that's awesome. Thanks to him it's kind of smelly up there atm, so some major cleaning and candle burning will take place pronto. He's not moving until we get another roommate, which isn't likely to happen, so whatever, but I thought that was decent of him.
Oh, also another helpful piece of information is that I guess we're not moving out of here. We couldn't find another place that had enough bedrooms, so that was lame. We all really like the house, so I guess it's alright. But yeah, that's pretty much all.
Ha, wait. Ashley got a nasty chihuaha (sp) and I named it Clitorous. It's awesome.
Kk, time for class. <3 to all.
::
2008 1 September :: 5.56pm
:: Music: I've Got a Golden Ticket
Home at last
Today is the anniversary of my arrival in Berlin. I have been home in California for about two weeks now, and I love it more every day. My fair California.
Exciting things are in the works. In September I move back to Santa Cruz for my fourth and final year at the UC. I'll be in a studio apartment right across the street from the beach, which is everything I was hoping for.
I might also be taking a horse, which is my current project. My sister was given a pony for Christmas last year, and she keeps it at a stable that's run by a member of the Bureau of Land Management. He often has wild mustangs at the stable which he then adopts out to people. Last week he got a new one, a two-year-old, which Sadie told him I was interested in as a cover for getting some mustang adoption brochures.
I met that horse today. It's a bay, one white foot, and not at all shy which is rare for those mustangs. It will already let me touch its nose and feed it carrots and alfalfa cubes. And so it turns out that I am interested, just like Sadie said. He's twenty-five dollars total. Can't really go wrong with that.
Of course it will be a sizable project -- he's completely untrained, and hasn't even really gotten used to humans yet. But it's a prospect I find thrilling, raising this baby mustang myself, training it myself, and someday having a well-trained, good-natured horse that I can proudly point to as the result of my hard work.
I'm trying to find a place for him to stay in Santa Cruz, and inquiring after some help with boarding fees from my horse-crazy aunt, and if those things work out then I'm going to do it. What an interesting conclusion to my lifetime of wanting a horse -- buying a mustang fairly spur-of-the-moment for twenty-five dollars.
Lecture: We learned about the history of typography and common vocabulary words used to describe typefaces. Assignment:
Took notes: HISTORY OF TYPOGRAPHY
Type begins as pictographs on walls.
Large Illustrations become symbols over time, so that they are more compressed and easier to travel with. Egyptians have word signs (logorhythms) and syllabic signs (& #, ect). Symbols represent sounds. Cuneiform (wedge shapes) for writing are invented.
Phenicians alter the cuneiform and made 22 signs (all consonants) and the reader filled in the vowel sounds as appropriate.
Greeks borrow from Phenician right-to-left writing and 100 years later changed it from left-to-right. They also altered the names. (Alpha, Beta, etc)
Latins adopted Greek letters and added vowels.
Greek, Roman, and New Easterners created "official letters" and cursive, rounded lettering on unofficial letters.
Chinese invented paper making and arabs adopted it an transfered idea to Europe.
COMMON VOCABULARY WORDS
Homework: Pick a font. (aka Times New Roman, Arial, etc.) and research the font and creater. Create a sketchbook page including your research, font, and labels (as above). Be sure to make the page represent the "character" of the font.
Lecture: The importance of craftsmanship. (again!) They are really pushing this, guys. Think about how your name is on the project and it's a representation of you. They don't want half-assed or sloppy things. Straight lines, straight cuts, neatness counts!
Assignment:Took notes:
Linear Perspective
Convergence - parallel lines get closer further away and eventually intersect.
foreshortening - how lines change (become longer or shorter) when objects rotate in space.
size- - diminishing size creates depth
position & overlap
ATMOSPHERIC PERSPECTIVE
When things are futher:
line weight is lighter
less detail
less color and more gray, dull colors
Plan Projection Method-Precise, blueprint, usually architectural perspective drawings.
Direct Perspective Method-"Make it up as you go / eyeball it"
Station Point-Position of viewpoint, eye level, horizon line, or height of station point.
Homework: Research 1, 2 and 3 point perspective. Find examples of each (perferably from magazines) and label the vanishing lines, vanishing points, and the eye level of each example
Week 2
Lecture: There was a demonstration on how to create a floor grid. I found a similar lesson here.
Assignment: Practice drawing basic 3D shapes in perspective on the grid. (A cone, a cube, a rectangle, a circle -[not a sphere])
Homework:Practice more structural drawings, do 4 each week.
Assignment: Paint value scales in gouache paint. Learn how to appropriately mix said paint.
Homework:
BORDER DESIGN
PART A: Extreme contrast of value / Subtle relationship of chroma. Single hue (primary) in 5-6 values/colors.
PART B:
Extreme contrast of chroma / Subtle relationship of value. Single hue (primary) in 5-6 values/colors.
PART C:
Extreme contrast of both value and chroma. Single hue (primary) in 6-8 value and chroma/color changes.
SUBJECT: Design a horizontal or vertical border design, SEMI-ABSTRACT rhythmic pattern with shapes lines and textures. Create spacial organization with feeling of movement and use the same design for all three parts.
TECHNIQUE: Gouache on illustration board. Each part should be on a piece of board [3'' x 11''] or [4''x 8'']
Lecture:Importance of craftsmanship! We learned how to appropriately cut with an Exacto knife using a cutting mat, a T-Square and a triangle.
Assignment: Work on homework until the end of class
Homework: Construct a perfect cube out of hot press 1-ply illustration board. (3'' x 3'' is a good size) be sure to take into account the thickness of the material. We got a sheet with objectives, but I don't have a scanner just yet. As soon as my printer comes in the mail (prolly tomorrow!) I'll put it up!
Lecture: We learned about spacial relationships. Dominant, subdominant, and subordinate shapes.
Assignment: None
Homework: Arrange 3 black rectangular or square shapes in a visually pleasing manner on a white 8 x 10'' piece of paper. Think about balance, unity and variety. Do another arrangement with 5 shapes. Followed by an arrangement with 3 shapes and 3 lines, and then with 5 shapes and 5 lines. (4 total black arrangements on white 8'' x 10'' paper) Lines can go off the page, squares must have a border. Do not create awkward shapes and tangents. Label the dominant, subdominant, and subordinate elements on each page.
Lecture: We learned how to hold our pencils differently and how to sharpen them with razor knifes.
Assignment: We practiced drawing elipses. (No pointy edges!) we set them up in a grid so that they were all the same width, but of varying heights. This way it looked like the elipse on a mug from different points of views. Then we learned and practiced how to measure with your eyes, by using width and height comparisons.
Lecture: We learned about the basic types of oil paint and our medium, liquin. We also learned how to use Mineral Spirites.
Assignment: On the first day we were given a still life, and we were asked to recreate the basic color in an abstract oil painting. The bigger the still life object, the more of the color we wanted on our paper.
::
2008 26 August :: 11.30pm
:: Music: Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney
Drama Orgy
I'm sick. It started awhile back with an annoying cough. Now my sinuses are all crazy and the cough has progressively gotten worse. I'll survive, I'm sure, but it's annoying.
So we still haven't signed the lease for this house; this, turns out, is a good thing. The rent here is $850 a month, which is an outstanding figure, I'm aware, but it worked because there was enough of us to get it paid. Plus it's an awesome house and we were willing to pay it.
Now, however, Jake hates Lacey because she bitches (true story), Lacey hates Jake because he's a slob (another true story), and Ashley is annoyed with Lacey for bitching. I'm kind of in the middle of it all and was actually slightly oblivious to it all because I tend to be happy and cheerful and therefore didn't really notice that everyone hated the other. So, now I'm the only one not in a fight with another, so all three of them are coming to me and venting and I'm getting stressed out, but I feel kind of obligated to listen because that's what a friend does, right? So, last night Lacey told me that she was moving out. I'm the only one who knows this, next to Kelly and now whomever reads this, and I swear I'm going to get an ulcer.
Now, the lease thing comes into play here, because we can't afford to pay the rent with just the three of us, so we're looking for another house. The only one we've really got in mind is this possible meth lab. That's what it looks like, but this one kind of does too. lol all the houses are kind of skanky looking, but it's cool, it works. Ashley and I are going to go look at it tomorrow night in between classes and see how we feel about it. It needs to be cleaned, that's for sure, but this one did too, and we got it done. It'll suck doing it twice, but whatever. Jake doesn't really give a shit what it looks like as long as he has a room.
So that's the drama.
School's alright I guess. I loved my Philosophy class. Business Law wasn't as boring as I had predicted, but I have a quiz in there tomorrow, so we'll see how hard it is. Uh... I had art today and I kind of didn't wake up so I missed it. Woops...
I have those first two classes again tomorrow, plus accounting. And an online class. I'm going to be so fucking busy all the time, with that and work.
Oh, speaking of douchey work, I requested the 16th off to go get Kell in KC, and fucking Polly, my ugly pregnant Manager, denied it. So, I'm going to throw a bitch fit to Jenn, the other, less hormonal, Manager. She's cool as it stands, but we'll see how the title sits after we're done talking.
Oh, I'm totally seeing about taking out a loan and buying a Grand AM. It's not new, by any standards, but it looks decent enough. I don't know how it'll go. Ashley's bitching, saying I need to save up first, but holy balls. I can't, I have to have a vehicle. I'm currenly driving my parents fucking van, and it kills me because it's a gas hog. It's not bad looking by any standards, but like... I'm 19. I'm tired of driving a blasted mini-van, you know? So, it'll really help if we get this new house because I'll be paying approximately $233.50 a month, instead of roughly $300 = awesomesauce.
Hmm, besides the fact that I miss Kelly a LOT, that's about all.
<3 REP
