♪::.Live.::♫

♪::.Live.::♫

:: 2008 23 April :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Invincible - Crossfade

Random Things
1.Taylor used my sacred purple pen for nonsense and now it is dead.
2. I got out of my class in a record time of 30 minutes due to the storm going on atm. All the roads were horribly flooded by the time I got to class, and it just kept raining, so the flooding was getting worse.
3. I keep getting disconnected due to said storm and this is upsetting so I think I'll just call it a night and go to bed.
4.Kelly, you are currently set to "Busy" so I shall assume you're playing CoD4 or something. I love you and I will talk to you (probably) tomorrow. <3 x a billion.
5. Trevor and I were having an "I love you" war, in which he said he loved me more than I loved him, and then I was like, "no I love you more" blah blah blah, and then finally he got frustrated and was like, "you know what? Let's just say it's equal. Rachel, I love you an equal amount to how much you love me." It was probably the cutest/funniest things that he has said in awhile. <3 that little man.

I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that's just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don't know that's nothing like me

You know I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew
That's not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don't know that's nothing like me

Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I'm waking up
I've finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime
I never thought I'd survive it
Now I'm taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind
Wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought all was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that's just not like me

<3

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butterfly

:: 2008 20 April :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Better Man - Pearl Jam

I just decided that Better Man by Pearl Jam is one of the most depressing songs ever.
However, I love it oh so much, as I do nearly all of their songs.

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queenofcarrotflowers

:: 2008 18 April :: 11.41pm

friends only.
a fresh new start.
i will keep up with my old journal,
but i believe that i will update this one from now on.
too many memories.
i've got a new perspective;
a better outlook.

it feels great.

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butterfly

:: 2008 18 April :: 7.53am
:: Music: Cartoons

Okay so apparently we're babysitting my five cousins again, recap:
Marcus - 11 (?)
Kelsey - 8
Peighton - 6
Reagon - 5
Kendra - 4

= omg *cries*

We got them yesterday at 5:30 and they go home after church Sunday. Anyway, mom and Taylor had them all night while I was at school, so I guess they figured I could have them this morning. So I was up at 6:00 (ungodly hour for moi) brushing teeth, changing pull ups, getting them fed, putting clothes on them, fixing hair (oh so much hair), and then shoes and socks. It was so hectic. Then on top of all that, Taylor decided like 10 seconds before the bus got here that she wanted me to fix her hair too, so I had to straighten her hair, and she has a TON of hair, so that takes forever, and then figure out something "cute" to do with it.
I wanted to curl back up in bed after they left, but then Kendra woke up and so I'm awake indefinately.

I need a huge hug from a certain someone but he is oh so far away :(

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butterfly

:: 2008 17 April :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Fall Semester
So I set up my schedual for next semester. I'll be taking 18 hours which is horrifying, but one of my classes is online so I don't think it will be as bad as I'm telling myself it will be. I have to have all the hours though, and the only way to acquire them is to kill myself by taking them.

-Monday-
+Intro to Philosophy 12:30-1:45
+Business Law 3:30-4:45

-Tuesday-
+Well... there will be a math class here, but I didn't score high enough to get into the math class that I want/need, so I have to take a little test to see if I can score into it, if not, I'll have to take a lower math class, and therefore more than just the one class that I need. That will fucking suck and piss me off.

-Wednesday-
+Intro to Philosophy 12:30-1:45
+Business Law 3:30-4:45
+Principles of Accounting 6:30-9:15

-Thursday-
+(Said math class since they are all Tuesday and Thursday classes)
Art Appreciation 6:30-9:15

-Online-
+Principles of Economics

No school Friday, thank the lord.
But yeah. That's 18 fucking hours, which will give me a running total of 46 when I'm done with that. I need... oh. I guess I need 46 to graduate. Or 56. I'm not sure how to total it because it's weird. Anyway, balls. However, I need all the classes so the classes I shall take.

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butterfly

:: 2008 15 April :: 8.48pm
:: Music: Weird guy coughing next to me.

Betterness!
Okay, so, I'm feeling fantastic. I had a great day, EVEN THOUGH my baby brother fucking flipped me off this morning. Oooh man did I kill him though. I told him we were sending him to an Army camp and he would never see his family again if he didn't fucking straighten up and act like a gentleman.
... He cried. A lot. And gave me the hugestest hug like *EVER* and a kiss to boot, which made me happy.

And then... I stayed up and watched the last of season 5 of Charmed so I'm excited about starting season 6 tomorrow (it's part of what I live for and I refuse to apologize for it). I then went back to sleep at like 9:30 because oh em gee I was tyrdzz. Only I didn't sleep. I laid in bed and thought about Kelly <3. Then I fell asleep sometime and woke up at 1:30 due to Ashley's dumb phone call in which she begged me to go with her to meet this woman in a scary little town called Stark City so that she didn't have to go alone and get ate all by herself. So, I had to get ready, though I didn't have time to fix my hair (ugh) and yeah. So ponytail day, which was alright because it actually looked cute. Yayz. And then uh... we went, and didn't find the woman and so we came home and then it was time to go to school.
Turns out my first class was canceled and no one knew about it so I was a myspace whore for that hour, and then Biology ... we watched a lame movie on DNA for 29062085 hours, during which Mandie and I texted during (Jealous? I know) and then did some worksheets in which we did no work, he merely told us what to put in the blanks which was effing SWEETNESS.
And... now I'm getting ready to go home and talk to Kelly =)

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butterfly

:: 2008 11 April :: 8.03pm

Death.
So I went to the doctors this morning at like 8:30 because my temperature was 103.2 and I kept having cold chills and body aches and I couldn't swallow and blah blah blah. So, turns out I have strep throat.
I get home at like 11:20ish and sleep until about an hour ago when mom woke me up with a delicious bowl of soup.
So yeah, I are teh dying =(

Oh, and no Kelly unfortunately, which makes me even sadder.

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butterfly

:: 2008 8 April :: 3.14pm

School makes me sad and I want to quit. -.-'

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butterfly

:: 2008 3 April :: 6.07pm

KLahlakHHhLkauHHHlakeayhlairahh.

--- I just found this message and translated it in order to save the world. You may all thank me later.

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silvos

:: 2008 3 April :: 2.07am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Crime - Troy Bonnes

Looking at old guild stuff
makes me surprisingly sad.
I didn't really realize how much I really invested in that stuff.

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oceanchild

:: 2008 2 April :: 6.52pm

Because everyone loves these.
Amelia started it!

Read more..

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oceanchild

:: 2008 2 April :: 5.45pm

Back in Göttingen with Nathan after an extended tour of Greece with the aforementioned and his parents. Feeling a little melancholy and homesick, though whether for California or Berlin I can't say.

I've just begun to feel unimportant, which is probably in part because I've been the fourth wheel for the past nine days in Nathan's three-person family. Understandably Otho and Bonnie are more focused on Nathan than me or anyone else -- he's their son. I'm not saying that I'm jealous or spiteful or that I think it should be any other way. I do understand. But it's all starting to weigh a little heavily, and I miss being helpful and important to people too.

I'm also a little depressed to be back in Germany, because when I'm away I'm not intimately acquainted with the fact that I'm still woefully unable to speak the official language.

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butterfly

:: 2008 30 March :: 5.58pm

Fucking hell.
My family treats me like I am THE fucking stupidest person alive and it just makes me so happy. Man, I just cannot get enough of it.

Michigan is seriously looking better and better every damn day. I can't wait until this semester ends.

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violet-winter-fields

:: 2008 29 March :: 2.31am
:: Mood: Asshole-ish
:: Music: Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel by Barenaked Ladies

Fuck...
Why the fuck am I so goddamn tactless at the worst possible times? It's a wonder I even get people who like me. I wonder why. I never say anything right when it truly matters. Sure it may not be all that big of a deal most of the time, but this time I totally offended the person I care absolutely most about.

It doesn't help matters much that I had an absolutely craptastic day. I wake up seemingly more tired than I was when I went to bed, can't function at all well at work, get terrible service at one of my favorite places to go to after work, get home and have to pack/sort through my room which just depresses me for the most part, get ignored by everyone, and to top it all off, I say things to Nee that probably made me seem like a superficial ass which I'm totally not. Damn my mouth when I'm tired/pissy.

I truly am sorry Nee. I hope you believe me.

Cheers to another sleepless night.

*dies*

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butterfly

:: 2008 28 March :: 3.35pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Bottle It Up - Sara Bareilles

Not that I want Jacob to leave, but I'm ready for my life to go back to normal. There is a certain novelesque appeal to staying out late and singing along with Cher, Celine Dion, HIM and Rent songs at three in the morning, but after awhile I start to miss normal things like Kelly and having my homework done and of course sleep. If Jacob was here all the time it wouldn't be so bad, I wouldn't feel as though Okay, he's here for a limited amount of time, I have to spend every last second with him until he's gone again.
Also, this time is rather bittersweet since I do believe I'll be gone before he returns, and then upon my arrival back for school he may be gone back to Columbia. So there's definitely a more urgent need to hang out with each other at all points in time, thus making a mess of my life.

I haven't talked to Kelly in a long time, and there's no one to blame but myself. Hopefully he understands and doesn't hate me and want to rip my throat out.
Fingers crossed on that one.

Anyway, Trevor has a basketball game tonight, and he's outside shooting around by himself and so I'm going to go out there and play with him. I need to be a better sister to him and Taylor. I need to be a better girlfriend as well.
My life sucks right now because I'm realizing that I'm a horrible person and that's certainly not the most delightful thing to come to the realization of.

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butterfly

:: 2008 25 March :: 4.46pm

Doctor's appointment tomorrow because some weird shit's been going on. Should know what the issue is -hopefully- after that. It's at 2:45 and the hospital is 30 minutes away from my school, and I have class at 5:00 and I of course have no idea when I'll be done... so yeah, stress. Lots of it.

Anyway, I've been rather busy as of late, and therefore haven't gotten on like ... ever. Last time I talked to Kelly was Saturday I think. I'm horrible, I know, but Jacob's only down for a limited amount of time and I have to have my Jacob time cause I'm soooo going to miss him when I leave here. *sad face*

However, do not for one second think that I don't love you completely KJE. Cause I do. <3

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silvos

:: 2008 25 March :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: playful
:: Music: Naked - Tracy Bonham

oh shit, public entry!
Real update coming soon..

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violet-winter-fields

:: 2008 24 March :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Something by the beatles

I'm moooooving!!!
Things have started really falling into place and I'm moving in something like 2 weeks.

SQUEE!

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violet-winter-fields

:: 2008 23 March :: 3.08am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

Murr...
So I don't really like feeling this way, and it really sucks. I'm far too paranoid for my own good. I don't want to be this way anymore, but it just tends to happen with me. I need to just work past my suspicions and accept things at face value. I thought I was doing so well with this, but once I start developing feelings for someone, I get hit. Blah, I need to change this part of me. I get told that I'm rather confident so often nowadays, but I usually feel entirely opposite to that. Inside I'm just a scared child, both afraid of reaching out and potentially getting burned, and also being alone. I wonder if I'll ever break the cycle. I wish things were different. I wish I knew how to deal with this. Most of all, I wish I knew what the future holds for me. I really need to get over this feeling. It's what fucked up basically all my past relationships. I won't let it fuck up any more.

Sorry, just ignore the emo as it's not typically me. I just need to know there are people out there who know what I'm going through. People who care. People who'll accept all of me for who I am.

Why am I so dependent?

Argh, good night.

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violet-winter-fields

:: 2008 21 March :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Little Babies by Sleater-Kinney

So I really should be cleaning my room...
I just don't want to. I know I won't even make a dent in this trash heap I call a room. I really do need to clean though. It'll make it that much easier to pack things up, let alone simply move about without worrying I'm going to break something. I'm just far too lazy right now. Good thing I have a day off tomorrow. Wish I could be spending it with Nee, but that's kind of slightly impossible. Well, not really impossible, just...driving 7+ hours total to see her for maybe 3 hours if I'm lucky just doesn't really seem like that wonderful of an investment given my current financial situation. I need an actual weekend of 2+ days and some spare cash for it to be good value for my pants and the wallet in them.

I just hope she knows how much I want to be with her.

I think that's good for today. Luff me?

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