butterfly
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2007 4 June :: 9.02am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Rehab - Amy Winehouse
22 days until I get out of here, and 23 days until I see Kelly. It honestly feels like it was just yesterday when I was like "Oh only 74 more days" and Kell was like "zomg 74!? Gah!" and I was like "oh haha, it'll come quicker than you think" ... I was lying when I said that. I thought it was going to drag out and take forever and be awful and I would cry. I was trying to make him feel better.
Joke was on me. It did go by quickly. I don't even know what the hell I did all those days.
I'm scared and nervous and excited.
I can't wait.
I definitly can't wait to see weird people on the bus. (Bus ftl btw) I want to take a tape recorder and do random interviews on people telling them I'm from E! Entertainment and talk in weird accents and change them throughout the "interview" and then make Kelly listen to it forever. I'm sure he would enjoy it. Heh.
Anyway, Friday night I went and watched Knocked Up with Ashley, Dustin, Seth, Rachel, Brooke, Derek, and Renkoski. It was so freaking good, even the guys liked it and they weren't too happy about being drug along to watch a "chick flick." It said fuck a lot. And put a lot of emphasis on "a lot" because holy hell. But I enjoyed it. It's my favorite curse word.
/goes back to reading my Bible.
... Yeah. I'm definitly one of those bad people they talk about in church. "Oh there's some people that are so two sided and they're good when they're in church but put them outside of it and they're drinkin and cursing and blah blah blah." There's a sum up of my life. I got good principles though somewhere I'm sure. I should be okay.
We'll keep fingers crossed just to make sure though.
I don't remember who did it first, but I really like Greenday's redo of Working Class Hero.
I'm also even more in love with Chris Daughtry. I know he's going to get discredited by a few people because he was on American Idol, but seriously, he is amazing. "Home" is stuck in my head for days on end, and I never get annoyed with it. Did I mention he's completely scrumptios as well? He's definitly a younger Vin Diesel, and that's just as hot as the original Vin. Good gah.
... Kelly's definitly the hottest ever though.
<.<
>.>
I'm reading 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath again. I read it when I was like 14 or 15 and I didn't understand a word of it, so I decided to give it a second go, and it's amazing. It makes me feel just as unhinged as the main character. I catch myself sitting there and testing the bounderies of my mental state, wondering if I'm going crazy too.
I love it. Definitly worth it if you're looking for something to read.
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H2OforDuo
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2007 2 June :: 6.23pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Depeche Mode
GOD. No one tells me ANYTHING.
Okay. So. I'm pissed, because apparently Andrew, our guitarist, whom I kind of have a crush on, and who is close to me and dear to my heart, got a skull fracture (And maybe broke a bone in his ear) doing a stupid stunt just like I always tell those boys not to do. But that's not why I'm pissed, really. I'm pissed because no one told me UNTIL JUST NOW. I don't even know when it happened, exactly, but I know it was before wenesday, because we didn't have practice that day. And the worst part about things on my end? Sean's MOM told my DAD. No one told me. I called Sean to get Andrew's home number and he appologized for keeping me in the dark. I am so mad. And so sad. I can't believe this is happening. What if he's never the same? What if he can't play anymore? What if? What if! All the What if options are BAD. I'm so worried right now. I tried to call Andrew's house...but no answer. I just don't know what to do.
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butterfly
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2007 30 May :: 6.56pm
:: Music: Lightning Crashes - Live
Long weekend full of mothering 5 children. I don't really want to talk about it. Too tramatic. I hate kids now. But only for a little bit. Give it a week, the pessimism'll wear off by then I figure.
I failed at making time to talk to Kelly this past weekend, not that there was potential time to do so, but ... yeah. Now I'm talking to him though. He doesn't get my sheetrock argument I don't think. Dad got it.
Mom's birthday was yesterday. We had an awesome surprise party for the old ass (now officially 40). Ashley came over and we hung out and made fun of dumb movies (mainly Open Water... omg is all I got on that one), wrestled, made fun of dumb siblings and family members, and then gave each other tattoos with a blue ink pen that fails at writing on skin so... yeah. It hurt.
Best part about everything? Left over cake and icecream.
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h2oforduo
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2007 26 May :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: blah
*Insert random keyboard gibberish here*
P:Ikehfj2n/eljkhn;3r2fmcn;2ou3rjkherwnfipo4dnw5! Gwertighy! ASDFJKL!
Yes you heard me.
BUT!
We played at Creekfest today, and I don't think we sucked too badly!
But now I feel all BLEHG Becase I woke up at five this morning. Oh well.
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butterfly
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2007 20 May :: 1.01am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Glycerine - Bush
This place has fallen into the Dark Ages. Nothing's going on.
Once again someone turned our air conditioner down too low and I'm cold. It doesn't help that I got a sunburn today.
I hung out with Ashley and I bought old-man "I'm a pedophile" glasses. You know the kind. They're so creepy looking that you try to stay away from the person in them and then they stop you and you can't run away from them for fear they'll stalk you all of your days, and so you're like "heh... wha?" and they start going on about how cool they are and how caught up in technology they are because they have a Window's 95 and you're just like "wtf dude? n00b" and then they grab you and hit you in the head with their glasses (now we know why they're made so thick) and then rape you and you die from diseases not even registered yet.
Anyway, my glasses... they rock the world. So BAMF. I look so sweet in them.
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butterfly
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2007 17 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: bouncy
<3 Iron Chef America.
So intense.
I don't think I could eat the food though, looks too weird.
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butterfly
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2007 17 May :: 11.26am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: All The Love In The World - NIN
I miss Kelly.
I was a bitch to him Tuesday night, something I regret obviously.
I don't know what's been up with me lately. I want to say stress, but sometimes I feel like that's just an easy excuse everyone uses. If someone bitches you out, and then's like "oh sorry man, I'm just stressed" it requires an eyeroll from you. A long one.
I need work. I put in a few applications, nothing back on those obviously, since I'm sitting in my pj's at my computer at 11 something in the afternoon.
Life sucks, whatever.
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butterfly
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2007 15 May :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: cranky
I ended up havening to cook supper, which is actually fine, you know, whatever. The fact that it was an hour late in the telling was annoying though.
And to top it off I'm getting sick. My throats all "Hey, I'm swollen and I make you cry everytime you swallow. Heh!"
Blah.
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butterfly
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2007 15 May :: 10.05am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Violent Heart - NIN
Graduation was last Thursday. It was sad: I got a shit load of money.... which I used to buy a bus ticket to Michigan for the 26 of June. Fuckin A. I'm excited though. Is it weird that I'm nervous about orientation? surely it's not That big of a deal. I have to take a "How
Smart Are You?" test. That's what I'm nervous about, I guess.
*Not all that smart*
I know this guy who's looking into getting Ashley and I an office job at George's. I've always wanted an office job, but at George's? Ugh. Whatever though, I need cash and they have it.
I feel so useless sitting at home while the kids are off at school. I've cleaned places in my house I wasn't even aware were here. For some reason I can't motivate myself to finish my room though. I need to finish picking my shit up and vacuum it but... *sigh* I don't know. I just choose to do other things. I really need to clean it though.
And why am I talking about such weird things on here? I should maintain important updates, not useless-to-all-who-reads-this-shit posts.
/sigh again.
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butterfly
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2007 7 May :: 7.50pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Home - Daughtry
Ramblings
I feel like something's missing in my life right now. It's like there's this giant black hole right in the middle of me and it's draining. I don't know what it is. There's numerous possibilities: The man I love is thousands of miles away, I'm graduating, I'm leaving my family behind me in a few months to move to a place that I've never been in my life. I'm starting a whole new chapter in my life and I don't even know if I'm ready for it. I am scared to death.
I don't know who to talk to about this, and that's the most depressing thing. My family just tries to talk me out of moving and what they say makes so much since that I feel torn when I talk to Kelly because he's so excited about it. Not that I'm not excited either. I can't wait, I honestly can't, but I just don't know how I'm going to be able to afford it. I think that I'll be fine once I get up there. I'll find a job, I'll work, I'll go to class, I'll have scholarships, I'll apply for state citizenship (and hopefully obtain it) and I'll be with Kelly.
That is what makes all of this stressing worth while. Knowing that I'll be with him. I love him so much that I think I'm crazy sometimes. He's such a goof and it makes me happy that he doesn't mind that I'm one as well. I can be myself around him; I couldn't with Karl. If I said the dumb stuff that I say to Kelly to Karl he would make me feel like an idiot. Kelly just says dumb stuff right back and I love that.
And once again thinking about the bottom brain made my depressed mood go right away. God I love him.
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h2oforduo
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2007 5 May :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: apathetic
Holy shit and stuff
Wow, I'm actually posting here. It's a friggen miracle. I have no idea what the whole save the turtles thing is about, to be frank. but here I am, once again, a much different persan than I used to be.
My life was ripped apart when I realized Jon (Then my boyfriend of over a year and a half) was a total dipshit who had no notice of my emotions and never could. That hurt. So I broke up with him. We tried to stay friends but it didn't work. Mandi and I have drifted, she goes to college now, I'm not in school anymore. That's right. I dropped out. Because of depression and hallucinations. I went to a hospital day treatment program for a while but I hated it, so I stopped going. I kept having panic attacks and chest contractions and shit, and even though I take two or three adavan regularly the nurse would only give me one for my excruciating chest contractions. If you've never had one, it feels like a heartattack.
I hope someone sees this and reads it. I wonder if my dearest Nee will. Coment if you read this please. It would be nice to see someone happy to see me.
I've fallen into a state of depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to smile. I feel like fuckin' shit ALL THE TIME. I hate it. I don't think my meds are working right because I have breif moments of Mania as well, which always sucks.
I've been having urges to cut myself, but have resorted to other measures to cause myself pain; methods that don't leave permanent marks or become addictive. I only do this when I'm seriously freaking out, mind you, but it's deeply disturbing for me, because I always thought I'd never cut or hurt myself. Those were happier times, to say the least. I thought I was depressed then...but I really had no idea what depression was like. Tell me what an awful person I am or whatever, tell me I shouldn't, tell me your stories of how awful SI is. I don't really want to hear it though. I already know. I have numerous friends who cut or used to. I know it's bad. I know it's addictive. I know all that shit. I know about scars, and wanting to hide them. Mandi walks around in short sleeve or sleveless tops all the time, showing her scars to the world. It makes me proud of her. Proud of her courage, and proud that she stopped.
I miss seeing my friends. I miss having a life.
I've joined a band, finally, as the lead singer and sometimes bassist/floutist. Everyone in the band is great, and hott too, which is torturous, because everyone knows you can't date someone in your BAND. It's just not allowed. It fucks things up.
God, I need a boyfriend. Or someone. Anyone to love me and hold me and kiss me and tell me things will be alright.
~Caro
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butterfly
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2007 5 May :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Make Yourself - Incubus
I asked mom if she wanted to watch Cliff Hanger with me and she said no. I have never turned her down when she asked me to watch a movie with her, but apparently that's just a one way street. I didn't quite know what to do for a moment. Then I decided I'd watch it by myself and you know what? It was still fucking awesome.
<3 Cliff Hanger
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butterfly
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2007 1 May :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Til Kingdome Come - Coldplay
As I assumed I would, I stayed home today. A few people went to school I guess, but they all said that it's been the biggest waste of a day ever, and it's going to be that way all week. I wish they would have just let us miss a week of school and called it good. None of the teachers have anything for us to do. Well, no, I have to do the Senior Trip page for the yearbook, but I got that all set up before I even went on the trip, so that'll take like one day to set up all the pictures and captions so that's not even a big deal.
I'm really pissed off about the fact that I'm going to have to wear a damn bandaid on my nose to cover up the ring. It's 5 more days of school, like it even matters. My perverted comments are more of an attention grabber than my nose will be and I'm not wearing a fucking bandage on my mouth so wtf.
Oh well, I don't really care. The school system is moronic but I'm almost out of there.
Ugh, it started raining and cut the satellite up and so now no more King of the Hill.
Anyway, I cannot wait for June. I'm nervous as hell, but I still cannot wait. I happen to have the cutest, most amazing boyfriend ever, and I can't wait to spend time with him.
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butterfly
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2007 30 April :: 8.22pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Here's to the Night - Eve 6
Senior Trip Anticdotes
We landed at Kansas City from Orlando at 1:30, we loaded up our luggage and left at like 2:00 and then it was a three and a half hour drive back home. I gave everyone their stuff and got on here to talk to Kelly, who, btw, I missed a LOT. Everything reminded me of him and I was sad a lot, but now it's ok.
I don't even remember what we did each day. There wasn't one day that Kandace, Tessi and I didn't go to City Walk though. It was crazy. I feel like my legs are freaking stones from walking so much. There were these fucking crazy ass lizards that fucking chased you and like ate your feet or some shit. Kandace and I were terrified of them so Tessi walked in front and scared them off of the side walks for us.
Um... we went to SeaWorld which, proving me wrong, was way cool, we went to Universal Studios, this Pirate Show which I got to help out in their little act and it was fucking awesome.
Um Sunday was my birthday and we all went to Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville and everyone sang happy birthday and I got this huge ass balloon hat that everyone said looked like a penis and it was fun. I didn't get cake though. I was sad, I've never had a cakeless birthday. I got my nose pierced that night. Tylor, Jessica, and Tessi came with us, but they were only 17 and couldn't do anything. Kandace, Heather and I got our noses done, and Johanna got her belly button done. It hurt so bad for a few minutes but then it was fine. I think I hit it a lot when I was sleeping though, because I woke up and it was just throbbing.
Plus, we were looking at each others and apparently mine got fucked up. it's supposed to be a screw and heather and kandace's are, but mine got bent and it's just straight. I don't know how I'm going to take it out now, but whatever. I have 6-8 weeks before I have to worry about that too much.
I'm getting depressed about graduating. I don't want to leave, but I want to leave and go be with Kelly. I feel like I'm trying to live two completely different lives and it's really stressing me out. I don't know if I'm going to school tomorrow like we're supposed to. I might just lay around, unpack and wash clothes.
Anyway, that's about all I've got. It was definitly a kick ass trip though.
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butterfly
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2007 21 April :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: too many things
:: Music: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Back-- for now
We got our asses kicked in Poultry. We got 6th out of 50 teams. I'm glad that it's over, but I cried. It was my last State trip ever. We did the best out of all the teams that went up there though, so that was cool.
It was probably the most miserable trip I have ever been on, though. I was definitly at the peak of my illness up there. Plus, my wisdom tooth is coming in, and instead of being a polite one, it's growing up underneath my other tooth, so my face was all swollen and ugh. It was still fun though. Miserable and fun. Oxymoron much? Renkoski kept me amused.
My parents came with on the trip as chaperones, but it was alright they're not too terribly bad in public, and all my friends like them. Plus... they spent a bajillion dollars on clothes for me when we went to the mall. I was happy. I got 3 shirts and a purse from Aeropostal, and 3 shirts from Maurices; all for Senior Trip, which is in 4 days.
I found out on this trip that we're going to be getting $350 back on Senior Trip. We did so freaking good at earning money throughout high school. That means we had $9100 extra, because each person gets that amount, and there's 26 people. oh mah gah.
I miss Kelly. I want to talk to him, but I want to go back to sleep as well. He's not on so it's looking like sleep-- after I unpack though. /le sigh
<3 him though.
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butterfly
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2007 18 April :: 8.30am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: People talking... my favorite *eye roll*
Leaving today at noon for state... ugh. I wish to be shot.
Some bottombrain left me early last night -- I won't mention names, so I had lots of time to pack things I won't need.
I still sick as hell... I hope I get over this soon. Coughing suckzorz.
My nails are already starting to die. I think she was in a big ass hurry so just half assed them. I wanted to keep them until Senior Trip but I'm thinking that's not going to happen. Then again I might just go have them touched up and then they'll stay. Hopefully anyway.
Uh that's pretty much it. I'll be getting back on the 21, then on the 25 we leave for Senior Trip until the 30. I'm going to miss Kelly so much.
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butterfly
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2007 13 April :: 7.15pm
:: Mood: cold/sick
:: Music: the storm
I am so miserable. I'm sick and grouchy and stressed. I think I was kind of rude to Kelly earlier and then now he's not on and I didn't mean to be but... ugh. He'll be fine. I've been mean to him before.
I was hoping I wouldn't be sick for Prom but there is no way that I'm getting over this by tomorrow. *le sigh*
Tomorrow we're apparently getting sleet and snow and blah blah blah.
Last years Prom was shitty too because it was all windy and our hair died.
Monday I brought up that tonight Kandace, Tessi, and I should go watch Disturbia. Then they were like "ooh let's bring Travis (Tessi) and Kyle (Kandace)" which left me the fifth wheel so I decided not to go. KC heard about this and is pretending to be Kelly for me tonight. lol it kind of makes me laugh. So I'm going to go watch the movie and I'm excited. Scary movie on Friday the 13th. Fun.
Now then, my dad ordered my boutineer for Jacob because I didn't have time to stop by and do so. I gave him very specific instructions. He brought it home tonight... it looks like shit. It's ugly, small, and doesn't even match my dress. So before I go get my nails done I'm going to stop by a different floral shop and see if they can get one done in an hour for me.
Anyway, it's storming like fuckin crazy so I'm gonna go.
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butterfly
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2007 9 April :: 9.08am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Diamonds and Coal - Incubus
Countdowns
As I predicted Unipeak is blocked, along with every other proxy they made me look up.
Poor little souls; their lives are now over.
5 days until Prom.
9 days until State.
16 days until Senior Trip.
30 days until Baccalaureate.
31 days until Graduation.
79 days until I see Kelly.
It's dwindling down to the end of everything.
I'm happy.
I'm sad.
I can't wait to graduate.
I can't wait to see Kelly in June.
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butterfly
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2007 7 April :: 11.17am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: Taylor singing Joy to the World (wtf?)
I finally got my prom dress!
It's red and poofy and really hard to explaine...
I'll just post pictures of prom. It's going to be great.
We can't all decide where we want to eat though. Some want to go some place dumb like Burger King or Taco Bell.
Others want to go to Hooters.
Some want to go Chedders.
And still others want Ruby Tuesday's.
Who the hell knows.
I worked Thursday night for Bao because she was really sick, then Tessi and I went out to Kyle's to hang out with Kandace, him, and his roommate Joey. We drank, played a ton of drinking games and had a great time. We played Circle of Death (I think that's what it was called) and someone got the rules card and said that any time you had to drink you had to stand on your chair and yell "I love cock" at the top of your lungs. Problem? The ceiling fan was on and directly above the table. lmao we all almost got beheaded but we were too smashed to care. It was great fun.
Kyle has this huge ass poster of Johnny Cash on his wall, the one where he's flipping the camera off, and I swear his middle finger looks like a dick. It's hilarious.
Last night I finally got to talk to Kelly after shopping all day. <3 him!
Anywhores, I am going to Neosho with Ashley now in a desperate attempt to find something to wear for tomorrow. I <3 shopping.
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butterfly
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2007 4 April :: 8.33am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Pain - Three Days Grace
Lets review how great my sub is in Accounting:
1. Starts the day off telling us to be quiet so she can call her boyfriend
2. Makes me go down and get the bullitan because she "doesn't want to walk that far" ... wtf. I'm fine with getting it, whatever, but her excuse is lame. Our school is so fucking small.
3. Stops in the middle of reading said bullitan to text people. This goes on for about 10 minutes.
4. Finally finishes the bullitan.
5. Hops on a computer and starts checking her myspace.
6. Gets asked about what our assignment is, goes "oh yeah..." and hands us a worksheet.
Oh golly, we're so lucky to have her.
Anyway, apparenlty I'm getting sick. I've been losing my voice at random intervals and I've started coughing and I've been sneezing all morning.
This needs to be gone by Prom. How miserable would that be.
The school got everything blocked again, gg them, whatever.
Everyone was freaking out about not being able to get on myspace (because it's obviously a life line) and they were informed by some one of greater knowledge than they that they could find a proxy to get around the block, and so they latched onto unipeak.com. That would be fine, but when you can hear people informing others of it by screaming it down the hallways wtf do they think is going to happen? Are they so dense they actually believe they'll NOT block unipeak as well? Dumbasses.
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