:: 2014 28 July :: 2.24 am

I sat in the grass and stared at the stars for while tonight. Thinking about life and what have you. It made me really sad and lonely. I don't have anyone to share my life with. I think its something wrong with me. I've had plenty of women who are great and would be a good companion. But after some time my brain has to find something wrong with them and I start to distance myself from them. I try to say I'm just picky and haven't met the right one yet. But everyone else sides maybe one or two have found someone they can spend more than a couple weeks with. Am I broken? I think I am. My body, my heart and my mind all want different things and I hate it. I just don't want to be in this self manufactured loneliness. Other people say its normal etc to act and my wants, but I can't help but feel that's not what my heart wants. I don't know what it wants yet. It keeps sending mixed signals. That or my brain is making them occluded.


Maybe I should just run away from everything familiar, to a new place. Away from things that remind me, things that tempt me, things that make sad. Awhile ago my dad offered to have me live with him. I might do that. This city isn't conducive to me. And I think the farther away from.... It'll help me with... I need to think more.

I miss my friend. I understand why stuff and junk but my friend was an awesome friend. Oh well. Bed now

Ryan

leave a comment

:: 2014 5 June :: 12.35 am

Posting cuz I'm at work and lack a needed outlet.

I'm in a mood tonight. Its hard to explain other then sappy romantic. Its mildly agrovating. I keep picturing myself and an unknown female lieing in the grass heads touching hands intertwined and just starring up at the clouds. Cuddling under blankets. Sappy lovey dovey shit. So as there scenes play threw my head, I try and focus and picture the girl. Only two faces pop up that actually feel like a fit. One I discard because no. Just not.
The other... I haven't officially met her. I've bought books from her, but not talked other wise. I don't know why she seems like a fit so right. Its just, when I see her I can feel the right side of my brain goes crazy. I want to kiss her chreks. I want to write her stupid songs and sing them to her, I want to make stupid puns and jokes and have her laugh at them.
I have all these things I want for someone I don't even really know. I don't know how I feel about it. I need to talk to her. Just to see how it plays out if nothing else.

It just kind of weirds me out how none of the other women I've dated and been with, with the exception of one, have invoked this sort of response. Why her? Why brain.

Back to work, will copy to journal when I get home.

leave a comment

:: 2014 17 March :: 11.53 pm

I rearranged my room again and can't find my journal or else I'd be writing in it instead.

Today was a great day. Started out ok turned crappy then got amazing. After work met anna downtown did usually browse stuff until we got to aunties. The most beautiful woman I've seen in a long time works there. The thing is, I didn't even think about doing anything but grabbing her chin with my finger, lifting her face up a bit and kissing her. The romantic kind. I haven't had a romantic thought in my head for so long. It was so nice. We flirted a bit, I got my book and left. I'm shy around pretty girls but come wensday I'm going down there getting another book, cuz books, and exchangeing phone numbers. It actually made butterflies in my stomach I think. Oh and dinner and cocktail was pretty good. I'm getting better at grilling steaks and anna and kate make a damn good cocktail. I am a bit tipsy off it but bed now, work, then speakers then book, then pretty red heads number.... *released dreamy sigh*

Night journal I'll copy this into when I find you.

leave a comment

:: 2013 24 December :: 11.56 pm

Here I sit. Another Xmas eve and I come to think of what I really want. And for once in my life I can say I don't any material thing. I only want one thing, in this new year. A kiss with meaning behind it. A kiss that when it happens, I feel lighter on my feet, my lips tingle and my heart says, "yes! This! This one, keep her and never let her go!"

I would give almost anything to feel that way again.

leave a comment

:: 2013 12 November :: 1.09 am

I've been listening to them a lot lately. She has a nice voice. Its very nice too listen to while falling asleep. Makes me want to make out and cuddle. Some day soon.

leave a comment

:: 2013 5 November :: 12.38 am

Being alone for extended periods of time is good for a person, in my opinion. It helps you define who you are based on nothing but yourself. Your not trying to impress anyone, make anyone happy, or compromise yourself to please others. It is a good pain. Believe me it is painful. You are trapped in a cocoon of your own concoction. But once you find it in yourself to be who you are and what you want. You become a beautiful moth, or butterfly, or anything you want to be, because fuck other people. You are awesome as FUCK.

Only then can you truly be happy. Only then can you go back to your friends and relationships and be a better person. Yes, you still have flaws. Everyone does. What you need to realize is that its your flaws that define you as a person. Its what makes you unique. You may be good at something and so are a lot of other people, but no one, NO ONE, has the same flaws as you. When you meet that person that sees your flaws as a attribute, and not something to be changed, that you know they are the one for you. I am still looking for that person to join me in thinking that my flawed attributed are fricken rad.

Until then, I have me. I make me the happiest, because I know what makes me happy or sad. Angry or Lovey. No one can make me feel better then I can. No one can make me feel worse then I can either. Its power. Supreme power over yourself. With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. Wield it well, and understand, no one else can affect it unless you let them.

Edit: but do not get lost in the lonliness. See it for what it is. A tool to help define yourself. Not a definition. Its a Word, you decide what it is defined as.

leave a comment

:: 2013 4 November :: 12.31 am

Wow, haven't been on this site for a while. Not sure what brought me back. I guess I just need to write stuff down.

I do most of my thinking at night. And ive had a lot of thinking time recently. My mind wanders. It takes me every which way. Recently it reviewed the Halloween party. It was fun, and the more I think about it, everyone was nice to me, except Lauren. Every chance she got she was insulting me or just talking bad about me. At least in the interaction I had. I know I may deserve some, but damn, it's been 2 years. Meh. Amelia seem cool. She may have drank a bit to much, but the conversation we had was nice.

I've also seemed to notice attached females seems to hit on me more then single. It's about a 3 to 1 ratio. I know most of it is playful banter. I think the ratio is skewed because I know maybe 2 single females.

Friday night was fun. First time gambling and broke even. Then fun afterwards. I got a good boost in confidence and realized sometimes I just need to be more confident and assertive. Its an attractive quality. I shouldn't be so nervous and just act sometimes.

When laying in bed listening to Zero7, like now. It makes me want a girlfriend. I want someone I can lay next to and just stare and kiss and hold hands. Talking into the wee hours of the morning. Brushing the back of my finger lightly aginst her check and bringing to the back of her head, pulling her onto a kiss... That'd be nice. I miss kisses with meaning and feeling behind them.

With that I'm off to the land of dreams. Goodnight all and be well.

Ryan.

8 comments | leave a comment