i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
::
2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
except i felt intimidated while going into the church.
I walked in and the cathedral (is this the right word for it) was huge!!! there was this giant statue of jesus on a cross and it just didn't seem like a happy place, they played the orgen and it sounded depressing. the pews we're hard wood and we're built in an angle so that your back began to hurt after sitting in them for awhile. when the paster/priest(again, i dont know the proper term) started to speak his voice echoed through the giant room. it was extremely intimidating. then everyone else knew "the lords prayer" and all this other ritual stuff.
Death has become a common thing with me lately, in the past month I have lost 3 people i knew. It makes me think about my beliefs, question them, question if there is a god or not.
in one hand i think "hey, there is no god its just a big myth"
then i look at it as "why would people dedicate their lives to something that doesn't exist, something has to be there"
i'm just in a state of confusion lately.
dunno.
at least i got my exercise today though "stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel, sit"
Yep I still check this from time to time
Wow it's been a long time since I posted. Let's see....what's up with my life...
Caleb turned a year old on Oct. 26! Yay. He had his doctor appt on Tuesday. Stats when he was born: 6 lb 10 oz, 19 in long.
Stats when he was a year old: 22 lb, 32 in long
He is soooooo tall! Seriously, he's in the 97% ! He's 97% taller than all other 1 year olds! The doctor said with his height he's the size of a normal 17-month old. But his weight is just normal.
Carazy. This year has gone so fast. I am in my 3rd year at GRCC still no sign of graduating anytime soon. ha. Still cookin up good things all the time. Not working right now, just a stay at home mommy. Charlie and I are doing great. We're living in Wyoming right now, but we might be moving to Traverse City in the next couple years. It's sad I don't really have much to write about after all this time. Except Caleb, he's wonderful.
He's brought so much to my life, I love him so much.
Anywho I need my beauty sleep, HA! Nah, I have a date in the morning with a little boy to watch Clifford cartoons!
::
2007 8 November :: 12.33am
:: Music: the voices (they're everywhere)
going to maryland. leaving tomorrow. should be fun.
jessica is super-cool. and awesome. and having to tolerate me. which sucks. and so is everyone else, but they're just not faring as well in their tolerance as she is. which is unfortunate, although not entirely unexpected.
i'm fucking tired. and i haven't done shit this week.
oh well. maybe at the end of this tunnel i'll find myself. or at least someone else who can find me for me.
"Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever.
All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the facts; they're shown before you.
Take what I say in a different way and it's easy to say that this is all confusion.
As I see a new day in me, I can also show if you - and you may - follow.
Speak to me of summer, long winters - longer than time can remember,
The setting up of other roads, to travel on in old, accustomed ways.
I still remember the talks by the water; the proud sons and daughters
That knew the knowledge of the land spoke to me in sweet accustomed ways."
and stuff and things.
all in all, though, feeling good. just very lost. and my concept of time is completely out the window.
::
2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica
i think i'm a good person.
it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.
i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:
My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?
--------
all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.
it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.
as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.
and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.
puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.
it's bullshit, i'm telling you.
and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.
i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.
and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.
now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.
i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.
i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.
I'm calling on you guys for some help here. I know money is tight and everything but my boss really needs some help, she doesn't have insurance.
the past week or two she's had this bump on her finger and its gotten worse and worse and now she can't move her finger, she took her son to the doctor today for something and the nurse said she should go to the emergency room because its infected and if she doesn't get it taken care of the infection could spread into her whole hand. She didn't have insurance so its going to cost a boatload of money for her to get something done.
she finally went to the ER tonight after alot of persuasion from Heidi and i, while we we're persuading her i told her that i would try to raise some money to help pay for the bill.
She is one of the nicest people i know and is always helping anyone that needs help, so if i have ever brought free pizza to a party you we're at or you shared some pizza with me that i got for free, i ask that you please donate some money for this. I'm going to put in $50 of my own money.
let me know if your interested, i'd appericate it alot
scooby doo, i love the hell out of this show.
i just heard scooby and shaggy laugh and was like "oh my god, thats exactly how i sound when i'm high"
its such a good show, its a classic you know?
but my rant here isn't about how good the old scooby doos are, its about how bad the new ones are :(
in the new ones fred is an idiot, its like holy shit fred what the fuck was that? he's not even trying to score with daphne anymore. just kinda fucked up to me.
::
2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection
we could make sweet music together...
i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.
i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.
interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.
but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.
'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.