woah
DUDE! it is october 12th 2004 and i have no idea when is the last time i updated this woohu journal seeing as i hold one on LJ now, but its crazy i found it because i thought i deleted it ... weird. anyway ill probably post this link on my other journal for curious ones. lol so if my other jorunal is where your from, then below is probably a graphic piece of my past, who i once was. please don't judge me now! <3

lauren

will this pain ever seize? because im on my knees beseeching it to ......
you ripped my heart out and walked away
left me here alone
and as i died laying in this puddle of tears and blood...
i felt more pain from the hurt inside
thinking of you with her ... and this is my only truth
it's all i can say

"take take, everything and leave me scrambling, reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place"

i can't stand this anymore ... i'm hoping wisconsin will bring me back ... because i feel dead

http://www.livejournal.com/users/rip_my_hart_out/

ok so thats my new journal ... thank you so my brittany.

im thinking ... this journal, could kind of be like ... maybe another way to get away from those memories for a little while. im listening to this song and it gets my thinking again ... if any of you have a DL program you should most definately DL it.

My eyes burn from these tears
You think you'd learn over these years
Good things won't last forever

So what the hell am I suppose to do
You only wanted the things I couldn't give to you
And you had it all anyway

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

Tell me i'm wrong when I say
I can't expect you to stay forever with me
I live for that single moment

I take back everything i've said
You would those words on your lips
As if they meant anything anyway

Sometimes I feel I could drop off the face of the earth
It seems I do more harm than good
And I don't know if it's worth me loosing sleep over this

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

Tell me I'm wrong when I say it
I can't expect you to spend forever with me
I live for that single moment

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place

my eyes burn - matchbook romance

this journal, is like a bookmark in my life. it might remind me of the happiest time of my life, and the worst time. i'll keep it until i'm strong enough to look back at it. until then, Auf Wiedersehen ...

You're a Speak & Spell!! You nerd, you. Just
because you were disguised as a toy doesn't
mean you weren't educational, you sneaky
bastard.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

important dates
today - the day i forget these feelings

11 - Go to wisconsin

12 - (anna) frank and katies reception :-D

13 - (anna again) frankies graduation

20 - (stephen) the day we decide we wont get on the plane and come back to florida!! muuuuuahahahahahahahaha! --- sorry lol

JULY

12th - ANNA'S BIRTHDAY!!

AUGUST

9th - the day the world ends to mark the beginning of yet another high school year ... :-(

20th - my birthday

21st - move back to wisconsin























































just kidding
... look above!! OMG! its ... its .....................

another pointless entry ... *lauren

another survey
¤ name- Lauren
¤ location- Cape Coral, FL ... grrrrrr
¤ hiqhschool- mariner
¤ current school- same as above
¤ work- Babysitting :-(
¤ family- mom, dad, sister, casper
¤ do you like¤
¤your family- yeah i love them ... its always an interesting day at my house
¤ your school- yeah ... love the people in it
¤ your job- not really but its fun sometimes
¤ your city- god no ... moving to pismo beach when i get the first chance with anna
¤ your pets- yeah i love my dog
¤ church- uhm no, as it was when i was 6 ... it bored the hell out of me ... i'd rather be out soemwhere
¤ smokers- no, some cigarettes bother me with the smell but i have tons of family and friends that smoke so im prone
¤ drinkers- yeah ... i have to, its my family lol
¤ partiers- yeah they're funny
¤are you¤ (oh god i hate this)
¤ hip- no ¤ emo- sure
¤ indie- according to
http://www.couplandesque.net/boredom/subculture.htm
i am ... lol
¤ punk- i guess not
¤ metal- no
¤ trendy- no (how about i answer no to everything?)
¤ a good kid- uhh ... sometimes
¤ a rebel- against my parents? sometimes
¤ talented- god no! well maybe at one or two things but not in the arts
¤ smart- yeah i guess
¤ religious- no
¤favorite¤
¤ Color- orange
¤ Book- koala lou i do love you!! lol anna
¤ Movie- any johnny depp movie, but of those ... benny and joon
¤ Time of the day- 11 pm skies are usually clear by then
¤ Website- i have many
¤ Company- not sure
¤ Store- usually pas sun but i find things else where
¤ Food- cookie dough ice cream!!
¤ Place- wisconsin
¤ Smell- lilacs ... but not as a perfume
¤ Sound- loud music ... but in nature probably the night
¤ Animal- dog i love my dog
¤ Boy name- i dont know (i didnt plan on have any kids)
¤ Girl name- i dont know
¤ Subject- english
¤ Word- groovy
¤ Phrase/quote- the only thing that never changes is things will always change
¤ Number- 6 ... and 2, but 6 mostly
¤ Person's live/deadjournal- live
¤ Childhood memory- chee chars ... the lake and park ... walks downtown and fireworks ¤ Boardgame- hmm ... thats a hard one ... yahtzee and cribage
¤ Band- soco
¤Song- konstantine and hello huston speak to me! "what can i say? we just live to far away" well thats a shame that love cant make you stay
¤ Underwear- chris kringle!
¤ Outfit- anything in jeans
¤either // or // neither¤
¤ Hiphop/rap- neither
¤ Indie/emo- both!
¤ Adam sandler/jim carrie- hmm adam sandler ... but i like jim carrie too
¤ pop/water- pop
¤ Black/hot pink- thats gay ... i have more black than pink though?
¤ Halloween/easter- halloween ... its ten times more fun that easter
¤ Dark/light- light
¤ Night/day- night (ironic?)
¤ Anorexic/chubby- neither
¤ cuddling/making out- i dont know, guess it depends on the guy and the mood
¤ syke/riiight- riiight
¤ bed/floor- bed
¤ too much/too little- of what?
¤ party/kickback- hmmm both
¤currently¤
¤ Outfit- PJs
¤ Drinking- ice with water
¤ Eating- nothing
¤ Music- ultimate fakbook, just going down the playlist
¤ Favorite person- i have a few ... but the one who most understands me (you know who you are)
¤ How many im's going- 1 with anna
¤ Who's with you- no one ... nothing new
¤ Are you in love- not anymore ... im just one of the million hearts he'll someday break (in the song lol)
¤ Are you in like- yeah ... its fading slowly (like in ericas profile "i dont run away from you, i walk away slowly, and it kills me that you dont care enough to stop me")
¤ Are you single- always
¤ Mood- still sleepy
¤ Caught up or way behind- caught up ... seeing as there is nothing to catch up on
¤ Horny- LoL no im tired
¤ Miss anybody- yeah, a lot

regrets are worthless
no more school . i miss it already .
im starting new
this summer im totaly letting my gaurd down and living my life by the minute so fast ... a fastforward mode to make up for all that time i wasted. god this time im doing so many things differently.
moving one for one lol
i just want to live young! not be so down all the time. and so thats what i'll do. regrets ARE worthless and i am SO excited to go to wisconsin in 13 days!
today ... 3rd period was so fun after exams! man i love pot heads ... (maybe thats my probelm?) lol but i really do. they're so freakin funny!
ryan: knock knock ...
me and keye: whos there?
ryan: no one dude ... chill out

sorry it was so funny you had to be there to see ryans face. funniest thing i've ever seen! hahaha man i can't wait for when school starts again to see who i have my classes with!
i feel like i'm starting everything over and this thought has made me realize ... starting over means no more him, and so ... this is where i stand. waiting to find another guy to not ever get seriousl with! just screw around and have fun while im young!
im setting things right ...
everything is fine now guys ... and he is so far gone and im fine!
and oddly enough (erica) the guys in gym today made me forget him! they're so funny! i need to have that kind of fun all the time and im so ready for it. so here i go. (again)

-lauren- ps-i feel so realived ... guys be happy for me ... because after all this time. i'm finally ok with this ... im finally over him ... it feels SO good right now! remember ... regrets are worthless. its taught me so much and its been so unfair but it all works out in the end! today has been one of the best days i've ever had in my life. i love you guys!

Today ... was a long ... shitty ass day ...

i'm so tired of these exams and i almost got a refurral today. but like animals, i have a way with people too anna! lol the lady was really nice and let me off.

anna and devon and stephen and julie were suppose to come over today but i guess they couldn't. oh well. not in the mood for company today to be honest. i'd probably just get all pissy.

i need a break. i cannot wait until summer. but i'm also kinda bummed to be spending every day/night alone again. morning til night. save me someone please! these lonely days get me thinking too much...
i usually am the one to hate these kind of entries because no one usually cares about peoples days. but im writing one anyway

i need to shower ... i want to straighten my hair but i really don't feel like it.

god i need someone ... but everyone i see i compare to him and it's not good. i keep wanting to look up. and i think things are getting better. i don't have any idea why this is so hard ... wait no. i take this back. i do ... but thats a whole nother story that i'll never tell ... i need a listener lol who doesn't care if i cry on them. who i don't feel like im depressing telling them what i feel. about EVERYTHING. everyone i see ... our relationship is screwing up. is it just me? am i being extremely bitchy or do i smell? i have no clue. nor should i care but i do.

... waiting to become a barrel of mokeys ...

-lauren-

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Cigarette lighter
Your Favorite Target:	Retail workers
Your Kill Count:	624,499,560
Your Battle Cry:	"Moo!"
Years You Spend in Jail:	28
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$277,231,826,283,852
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 93%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

how to deal with despair ... ?
[ ] = what i think this stands for

Konstantine ...

Him: I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
[She's starting to believe that this thing could happen ... starting to imagine this outside of her dreams]
it's always you
in my big dreams
[it's always been a wish i know i couldnt have to him ... and he's moving on]

Me: and you tell me that it's over
[nothing can ever happen anymore]
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
[wake up and find herself in a world of what she hoped could be]
and your restless, and i'm naked
[and he's leaving, and she's helpless ... stranded]
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
[nothing's happening and it's not easy for him]
no
could you let me go?
[was it easy for him?]
I didn't think so
[she didn't think it would be]

and you don't wanna be here in the future
[she's not who he wants, he doesn't see any future with her]
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
[this is all a little blot in time to him, he'll remember it but it was never anything big to him]
Him: and you don't wanna look much closer
[she's not so sure herself she wants to let him go]
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
[because she's afraid to learn that all she gave was for nothing now. everything she hoped for is gone and it's not coming back]
and it did
because of me
[because of him ...]


and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
[and she doesn't let go because she doesn't want to be alone]
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live
[they're too big for each other, they're both two extreme people without room for each other]

Him:I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
[and he does]
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
[but he never wanted to take her there]
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy
[but to her it seemed so easy for him ...]

then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
[and he brings himself back for a moment because he doesnt want this hurt for me]
and i'm dreaming in your living room
[and he likes it here but its all just a dream ... there is bigger things outside of me]
but we don't have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
[in this case all these times we talked, we're in the same postition but he is father away]

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
[he's "attatched now" to his girlfriend, nothing can ever happen]
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no

Me: this is because i can spell konfusion with a "k" and i like it
[ she can sit here forever and not mind]
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
[she loved and lost and doesn't regret trying it]
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
[listening to the lyrics of the songs, learning how you relate to them]
when the first star you see may not be a star
[when your first love, isn't you're true love]
I'm not your star
[she isn't his true love]
isn't that what you said
[at least thats what he said]
what you thought this song meant
[it is what this song meant]

Him: and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
[and if admitting this is what makes it easier for him]
and live with what i did to you
[and forgive himself for breaking this girls heart]
and all the hell I put you through
Me: I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
Him: and now you want to talk?
[it's too late, you spoke up too late]
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
[she'll always mean something to him]

Him: konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
[she'll find other guys, they won't break her like he did]
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no

Him: this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
[this song is to a girl, an awsome girl]
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
[does he still think of her? i think he might still think of her]
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
[yeah ... he fucked up]
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
[she might always mean something to him]
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
[the drama of her loss, it was like a movie]
and i said
Me: did you know i missed you? [x7]
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
[and she might bring him back, one last time]
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
[she will miss him in her life]
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
[and sometimes he might doubt his choice]
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
[does anybody really care if they're too big for each other? does it matter at all?]
because we all need a little more room
to live
[yeah ... and she has to move on]

my Konstantine

yeah ... i dunno it makes more sense to me because i feel it, i know it. somethings i didn't add in there for his sake and so i'll sing off this stupid computer before i regret this entry and erase it ... good-night. -lauren

INSIDE OUT, yellowcard
Here, a little sympathy,
for you to waste on me;
I know you're faking it but that's ok.
And I don't wanna drag it out
Don't want to bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way

Even if i wanted to,
I don't think that i'd get to you.
There's nothing i can say to you
to make you feel alive again

Here, a little jealousy,
I hope you think of me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night
'Cause I, feel like I'm inside out!
You've got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on too tight

Even if i wanted to
I don't think that i'd get to you
There's nothing i can say to you
To make you feel alive again

So DON'T you say good-bye to me!
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky
I will be your last regret, Your only friend

The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, The two of us
The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, The two of us

I guess that this is over now
I gues it's called a falling out
But everyday I'm learning how
To make it through this life i'm in

Even if i wanted to
I don't think that i'd get to you
There's nothing i can say to you
To make you feel alive again

So DON'T you say good-bye to me!
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky
I will be your last regret, Your only friend

... just have to keep telling myself to let go ...

-lauren im konstantine below

today is like a weird moody day

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

sick of everything
Things i hate: (don't get offended)

1. POSERS! god doesn't it seem like we are surrounded by them!
2. DUMB PEOPLE ... people that i seriously believe have rocks for brains ... im dead serious they sit in class and have no thoughts they are just ditzy dumb asses
3. BEING HURT ... i'm going crazy about this hole thing ... ok it was easter ... that was almost 5 weeks ago and i still cant get over him ... i never thought it aould be this hard
4. UN-EMO-THINK THEY ARE EMO-GIRLS ... all they do is walk around "oh yeah im emo blah blah im a stupid bitch" and then go and hurt people and be selfish about guys they don't even like that way GRRR ... sluts
5. RAP ... A SORRY ATTEMPT to write poetry and it makes it even worse that they write about breaking girls hearts ... bastards lol

there's a lot more i hate but im sure you guys don't care to hear it lol i had to do a little venting before i went insane thinking about someone.

lately, thinking about going to wisconsin, i miss it there. i miss the way me and dustin and donovan used to be like my big brothers. i miss the way guys repect girls more there. i miss the feeling of knowing everybody in town and feeling at home. i got over missing wisconsin for a while and now i just kinda want to go back again. everything is so much better there and people are nicer. i just wanna be somewhere where people there love everyone. ... i also think i could get over connor easier where im not so stressed. just farther away and forget it completely.
i mean i don't want to forget him totaly but it still hurts just as much as it did that one night and i don't know why but it's so hard to get over it. i don't know but something wants to keep me here and it just hurts.

on another note ... anna and stephen are going out! so hey it makes her life a bit better n yeah makes me happy to see them happy.
i have a song ... dedicated to ... well you guys know who ... but yeah im leaving so i love you all so much seriously everyone who reads this ... your so totaly awsome and god im so glad to have friends like you! you have been there for me forever and especially anna and stephen and audrey and erica and whitney ... you guys have saved me so many times i know you might not think it but you guys mean so much to me you're like my bestest of friends n i know i can always come to you guys. thanks seriously for always being there and for putting up with all of my crap lol. ... i love you!!!
-sorry i felt like i needed to tell you guys how much you mean to me

and connor ... god theres too much to say lol. maybe one night online ... your so awsome n yeah, i still miss you ...

:::OK! WOW i feel like im saying good-bye for some reason::: lol ok here's the song

"Hello Houston" _The Starting Line

lead on
to keep our feelings strong
and make me still believe
our page is one and the same
our ways will separate tonight

you say if we were to wait
some things just might be changed
I say that I dont have the strength
to fuel a burning flame
speak to me
what can I say, we just live too far away
that's a shame that love can't make you stay

sweet thing
I hope that you know I'm wondering where you are
You say this could work someday
when you and I both know this is the end

Leave me the way it has to be
excuse my poor excuse
tell me that insecurities
are what drove me to you
and everyday I compare your face
from sweet beginnings to your bitter end

sweet thing
I hope that you know I'm wondering where you are
You say this could work someday
when you and I both know this is the end
Let me let go

sweet thing
I hope that you know I'm wondering where you are
You say this could work someday
when you and I both know this is the end