A little excerpt from the wisdom that is Bill:
Why shouldn’t we, as in the human race, do what we want to? Why are we so bound to a life of prejudice and repetition of the same old boring shit to the point that one would actually claim that they hate their life? For fuck sake you only get one. You’re born, you live, you die, and all that matters is what you did during your life not what others say you are supposed to. The idea of obligation is purely an issue of perspective, one is obligated to do what is necessary to support one’s own way of life. But that is not what we are taught. We are taught that an obligation is something you have to do and they even tell us what those obligations are: go to school, go to some type of church, don’t commit crime, listen to your elders, listen to the police, cooperate, get a job, go to work, pay your taxes, listen to the government, do what you’re told, don’t ask questions, get married, buy lots of worthless shit, and close your eyes, mouth, ears, and mind. These are all obligations of the delusional vegetables, the fucking nine-to-five commuter mother fuckers, the American dreamers. Those who enjoy it authentically are doing what’s right for them, but the majority of this population are loathsome and lonesome, overweight and underpaid, and eerily ignorant to the nutrient starved bone. Their lives pass by them in clouds of what could have been. And every day they question why but not how or when it can be fixed because they’ve been programmed to follow protocol and to be a component of the machine. The powers don’t want a world full of happiness seekers because they would soon find that the happiness seekers are less than interested in furthering the endeavors of the hierarchy. We would all find zero, the middle ground where all are equal and no one person has authority over another and everyone accepts eachother as part of the whole. But then nobody would be in control and there would be no more rich or poor just happy people using their short time on the planet to learn and experience that which interests them not serving those of the hierarchy. We would all realize that reality is a matter of perspective and it’s aspects are there and we are charged with finding a way to feel about it. We say right and wrong as if they are natural absolutes like night and day but they are just opinions, perceptions mapped by personal preference. If one feels something is wrong someone else feels it is right who wins? Its natural predisposition which clued me into this view why some of us enjoy something and some of us severely dislike it/ theres obviously a purpose for this natural feeling, like shitting or sex we feel an urge to pursue that which makes one happy. But we are taught not to endulge this urge just like we are told that sex is death by STD. But this urge is undeniable, if you hate something and you don’t want to do it that is your brain telling you that what you are doing is not consistent with your inner rhythms and thus should stop and set about doing what suits you. Spend your life how you want contentment and happiness are success.

I'm going to read those words every time I start to feel unbalanced or unhappy.
Why did he have to leave?
He was the best at keeping me level and in the right perspective
He always made it so hard not to see the up side of things or keep my head over the water...
=/
<3

I realize now
That I have tried to be someone else ever since we got back together
Just to be someone you wanted to stay with
Just because you're changing for me as well doesn't mean its the same
You're just trying to be someone that doesn't hurt me
Or are you just trying to hide the fact that you're someone who DOES hurt me?
Were we really meant to be together?
That's not something I can answer.
I'm yours through and through
But that doesn't go both ways.
So tell me, were we meant to be together?
Or is this just one of those things that was great while it lasted but was ultimately created to be destroyed..?
I love you
<3

Well
I guess I'll restrict my thoughts to here
I'm listening to this soothing music
Its trying to relax me, but my mind just isn't having it.
Is all that I hope for really not on the line?
My little bird whispers a sweet melody in my ear
It speaks of the love we share and how pure and wonderful it is
The little bird speaks of how he'd like to always stay with me.
How everything that is his, is mine
I kiss him and put him back in his cage and leave--go about my day
But even if I could lock the cage, he has the key.
When I go away, little birdy, I know you do too..
Where is it that you go?
I wait a little while, wait until I hear the latch let up, hear the window open, hear you flit out and away into the horizon.
I turn the corner and watch you go.
But I always wonder, that when I come back, will you be there like nothing happened.
Just like always?

But I suppose you aren't a little birdy
Tonight, you're out hunting
I hope you are safe
You say you're hunting for me, and I know that its true.
You placed some of your night's rewards in my hands.
I was relunctant to accept your gift.. I know it is one of pure love. That's why I don't understand how to accept it.
No one's ever given me a gift of that sort.
But I accepted it, and forced a smile.
I know you wish to make me smile.
You go out sometimes to collect that sweet smelling herb to relieve my stress.
You truly are a sweet little bird.
I lay here now and enjoy the herb, and I know that somewhere, you are too.
I miss you
I wonder if you noticed the thin golden chain wrapped around your ankle.
Yes, it will never come off, but it is not there so that I you may never escape me.
In fact, I didn't even put it there; you did.
Do you see that the little chain leads all the way back to me?
Into a wound on my chest; an incision not yet healed. Forever new, always with fresh stitches.
The chain is pierced in my heart, I was you could see the intricacy of the piercings, it really is a work of art. And every time you smile, a new piercing is put in place, making the chain ever more secure.
And you may pull as hard as you might, but this chain is not the type that breaks.
But this flesh is easily destroyed.
And should you pull hard enough, the stitches would come loose; you would pull my heart straight from my chest.
You could be free then.
I wonder if that will be a day I will ever have to face.

Please God
Let me keep my little bird in this cage forever.
You know I am a creature of love, and I will never do him wrong.
Please, give me this one gift, if nothing else.
Please let me keep my little bird.

Amen.

Magdalena
Overcome by your moving temple
Overcome by this holiest of altars
So pure
So rare
To witness such a lovely goddess

I lost my self control
Beyond compelled to throw this dollar down
Before your holiest of altars

I'll sell my soul,
My self esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance
One kiss
One taste of you my Magdalena

I've beared witness to this place,
This lair, so long forgotten
So pure,
So rare,
To witness such a lovely goddess

And I'd sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance,
One kiss,
One taste of you my black madonna


I'll sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time

For one taste,
One taste
One taste of you my magdalena

<3

Are you there?
I can't see you.

So tell me.

Are you still there?

<3

I hereby
Give up on ever having a good birthday

Because clearly it just isn't going to happen.

This is the third year in a row.

A pattern has been formed.

[cut]

Why are you doing this to me?
Why?
This year was supposed to be special.
I'm turning 18 and you promised to make it special.
You fucking promised.
This is a once in a life time thing and I'm not asking for anything but your time.
I just want to be with you.
Why is that so fucking much to ask?

You saw me last night.
What's the difference between Wednesday and Saturday besides a few days?
I don't fucking get it.
Why are ruining what was supposed to be the best birthday of my life...

Do you even know why it was going to be the best?
Because I would've fucking spent it with you, damnit.
That's why.

Do you even understand how upset about this I am?
I don't understand you because you don't make any freaking sense.
I don't fucking want to go to Touch Bass.
Do you just want me to go so you don't feel as guilty?
Because I'm bound to get really fucked up and have a good time regardless of how upset I'm going to be to be in Tampa without you?
I would rather just lay in bed with you all day cuddling.
Even if you were going to be depressed the whole time, and never smiled, I wouldn't fucking care.
I just want to fucking be with you.

I don't want to go to Touch Bass.
I just want to spend my birthday alone
Because clearly, its nothing special anyway.




To anyone who reads this
It wasn't really for your eyes.
So don't act upon it in anyway
And don't give any crap to the person who this entry was directed at
Because honestly, you don't know the story.
But I love you guys.
<3

Now that I think about it

Its always the same

I'm either chasing after someone trying to see them or we just kinda die off.

There's never an in between.

I'm either putting a lot of effort into the friendship or it just fades into the background.

Why can't there be some sort of in between...?

<3

ARGGGGGG
UTI

UTI

Go away

Go away

And come back

After forever and a daaaaay..


Q$#!@$^@#%^!$#@!$#@R@!!!!!!


>
PS -- There's blood coming out of my urinal hole

D=<

<3

You're the one person
That could offer me any sort of comfort right now.
But how could I possibly ask you, of all people, to comfort me?
I'm mean, sure, I'm easily pacified.
All I would need is for you to be here in my arms with yours around me.
But I don't know..
I don't know.
I just wish I could be with you right now.

And I'm really sorry about your grandfather baby.
I don't know what else I can say..

Except

I love you

<3

I really need
Some sort of closure.

I don't know what to do.

I can't get her of my mind.

And its really just... driving me into the ground pretty hard.

Back then, I was so desperate to do everything I could so that I could have a future with you. It was so easy to tell myself
"This will be over soon, I just have to deal with it for now, and suck it up, and then I can have my hope and my love back" and just push all thoughts of what you had with her to the back of my mind and just focus on trying to make you happy

And now I have you in a way that I never had before.
I never had you like this.
Now I feel like you've actually given me your heart to hold this time.
Laid it in my hands, and entrusted me with it.
And the only time I ever felt anything close to this was when we first got together, but then I was just so afraid I would somehow hurt you, and it was such a big fear because how badly you had been hurt.
But then you said "She's afraid she'll hurt me, but I know she cannot. She is incapable"
And I realized you were right. I could never hurt you.
But somewhere along the line I realized the reason I couldn't hurt you was not because I wasn't willing, it was because I didn't have the power to.
You kept me close to your heart
But its like you kept your heart locked in a box wrapped up in thick chains, placed it in my lap and said "Here. Hold this." and ran off.
And it was mine, but yet, I couldn't get to it.

But anyway.. Enough of my analogies.

You finally gave me everything I wanted and everything I wouldn't allow myself to hope for.

And now I truly have you.

I find myself at a standstill between my future with you and our recent past.

I guess its like...

I have a heaven on earth to look forward to, but hell is what I look back on, and hell is spiteful and angry I was able to escape and ascend, and is haunting me.

So I don't know.

I just really need closure...

Maybe I just need to talk to you about it more.

If that's what I needed for it to stop hurting, would you do that for me? I know its not something that is fun or enjoyable.

But if its what I needed would you?


I love you

<3

I don't know...

I have nothing to comfort me when you're not here...

And I can't forget.

But I want to....

I want to forget

Make me forget Malic..

Please make me forget!

><

I feel good
This song is helping with that.

But I feel alright about life.
Its going to be okay.
Its going to be good.

I'll be alright.
We'll be alright.
We'll be great.

I'll do the graduation thing.
And then I'll figure everything out from there.

I have you.
So everything will be fine.
Everything will be good.

This song makes my mind feel orgasmic.

Really, it does.

♥