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:: 2003 16 November :: 5.03 pm

ok, so my insanity begins...i have nothing to do. no! *begins to tweak*

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:: 2003 16 November :: 4.52 pm

new layout
this one is close...but it's still missing something. grrr....well yeah, all my plans for today are totally fucked 'cause of this stupid flu. but hey, me and my sister just watched this korean cereal killer movie with english subtitles that had enough blood to fill an aquarium, so it's not all bad. anyway...get online people. i'm so bored. maybe me and maddy will rent more movies...she said she wanted simpsons. i want something that is funny as hell or just plain awesome, like fight club or the crow movies or something.

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:: 2003 16 November :: 1.06 pm
:: Mood: confirmed
:: Music: something...anyhting but the throbing pain in my head!

"What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?" - Results:
Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The Pure. "I've been waiting in the dark for a long time, shining my beacon of hope through the shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your eyes from me." The White Rose is associated with purity, honor, and chastity. It is governed by the goddess Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape. As a White Rose, you are a person of your word. You may have a strong moral code, but regardless of your virtue, you always stay true to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of emotional forms and it's just a matter of waiting for it to bless you. Some people may say you are too idealistic, but it's only because you don't want to mess things up.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."


The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla


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wow...i guessed that description. funny. machelle did say i was becoming fairly in-tune with myself.

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:: 2003 16 November :: 1.45 am
:: Mood: bored/tired
:: Music: rammestein

sneak to me!
someone sneak over here!!! i'm so bored...my window, if your facing my house, is on the upper left corner...put the trash can on the stairs leading to the brown newer looking fence, climb up the roof, and nock on my window...my wall is red and my room always has a purplely-blueish tint on it because of my turtle tank...and i'm a light sleeper so if i am asleep, just nock...don't confuse mine with someone elses...all of you know my adress...later.

5 = | +


:: 2003 15 November :: 6.44 pm
:: Mood: frustrated a little

"The ULTIMATE personality test" - Results:

Sadist
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HASH(0x86d7c90)
Sadist


The ULTIMATE personality test
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ok, so here's the deal. the one i took earlier, the one that said i was a "seer", was my other me...i'd say this was a mask, but it's coming and going is affected by whom i'm with...one person actually, and i give you three guesses. "Bird", there. so yeah... when i'm with tori i'm the seer, and when i'm not, i'm a sadist. which one is me? the seer of course. it's obvious. but the other one is sort of constantly tied in...when i think it's time for someone to go, they go goddamnit!!!

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:: 2003 15 November :: 5.26 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Evanescence fallen, the whole CD, except "bring me to life". that one pisses me off

a shit, here we go again.
i had another one to day...an anger rush...those are becoming more and more common...almost as common as the depression ones...welcome to my insanity...it lasted an hour and a half. i tried really hard to mask it, and i think i did OK. i wish i knew what triggered these. they're so annoying. now i just feel tired...i got plenty of sleep last night but those rushes eat it all away. now i'm blank...tori's not home, i tried to call her...but they turned left and not right, and their house is right...lol. private entry time. that WAS funny. kind of kawaii though...

3 = | +


:: 2003 14 November :: 12.31 am
:: Mood: not at all surprised

"Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?" - Results:

schizoid
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HASH(0x86feb40)
schizoid


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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"The ULTIMATE personality test" - Results:

Seer
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

HASH(0x8742c34)
Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla


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:: 2003 12 November :: 11.36 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: the warmth, incubus

the warmth

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high rise today
Its not a breeze cuz it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the
The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear
Should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench and spokes by
I'm leaving the air behind me clear
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old


7 = | +


:: 2003 12 November :: 11.21 pm

?????-...how did you remember this email adress?
me-how could i forget?
?????-does that mean you still love me?
me-no. scars don't have to be bleeding for you to see them.
?????-like that song...i hate this shit.
me-funny, she said about the same thing just now.
?????- and who is she?
me-no one you know
?????-no, tell me, now. did you find a nice girlfriend or something?
(insert fifteen lines of conversation here)
me-because you have no idea.
?????-yeah, whatever. i know pain. i know you, and your pain in a nutshell. you're pains one true definition. you bring it on all that cross your path, but then, i told you that once, didn't i???
me-you're wrong
?????-lmao, your a fuck paul, a complete fuck. whatever...have fun with terry or whoever. don't fuck her to hard, shollow bastard.
(three minutes pass)
me-her name is tori...

she wasn't signed on when i said that....i couldn't type.

5 = | +


:: 2003 12 November :: 11.10 pm

i'm sorry, but if you had any idea...i won't deny it would be that way for anyone else...but can you think of what has happened as a result of this fallen world....the world inside my head...

1 = | +


:: 2003 12 November :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: infuriated

mergz faces mom
humantiy is slipping away, this is sick, just fucking sick. i don't feel like posting it, so i'll call.

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:: 2003 12 November :: 2.07 am

i'm free, soup dragons. i have to remember that.

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:: 2003 12 November :: 1.40 am
:: Music: blood and roses, smithereens

hell knows what.
yeah. i need to get some sleep tonight. g'night people. but first, i feel and urge to say something, but i have almost nothing to say. last night we watched the first final fantasy movie and the entire first season of family guy (it is a bad day to be a sperm!). we played eternal darkness, sonic battle, torok (that game is sooo bad-ass!!!), and metroid-prime, along with tony hawk underground and finally, smash bros meley. HAHAHA!!! today by smashing pumpkins just came on accu radio! i love this song. i need to here how he playes the bridge...wow, he playes it slower, no wonder i couldn't fit all those chords. the guy that wrote these tabs is a moron!!! "pink ribbon scars, that never forget, i tried so hard to cleanze these regrets, my angel wings, were bruised and restrained, my belly stings." *goes and kills tab-wrighter with a fifty cal' pistol* yes, i want me a desert eagle with a kick big enough to bust my arm. ah man, it's over, tie for beddy buy. song currently playing: blue monday buy new order. i'll finish this song and go to bed. 10:43 P.M.

later,
Paul

1 = | +


:: 2003 12 November :: 1.37 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: the globe, big audio dynamite II

quin's proposition
quin said i didn't even have to ask...

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:: 2003 12 November :: 1.31 am
:: Mood: happyishable, oh look, happyishable takes up exact
:: Music: devils haircut, beck

don't be like me...don't forget how to cry. be stronger than that.
mechelle said i couldn't cry because of extreme depression, and that that's probably why i space out so much. she thinks my introspectivity and depression were connected in a way. she decided that i wasn't bi-polar though *cries*...i wish i were insane...oh well. jesus. i wonder if tori would kill me if i did... would you?

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:: 2003 11 November :: 8.35 pm

megan called...the past really won't leave me be, will it? hehehe...all night replaying that spand of about fifteen seconds in my head and giggling like a fucktard to myself as i felt butterflies in my stomach...quin was so pissed though, and pat was just like"dude, what the hell is wrong with you?"

2 = | +


:: 2003 11 November :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: insane/gitty/happy/stupid/about to go to church an

YES!!! hehehe...-smiles-...that's what she said..."yes"

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:: 2003 9 November :: 5.04 pm
:: Music: today, smashing pumpkins

"pidgeons go 'kpff'!!!"
"pink ribbon scares, that never forget. i tried to wash away, all these regrets. my angel wings were brused and restrained, my belly stings..." never IM me, don't ever call, i'm going to a different church...i would have thought that two years of silence would have taught you not to talk to me....i'm sorry, i don't want ot hurt you, but this is a new age for me, i moved on...i love tori now, can't you see that? that place you tired to fill is her's. and yeah, keep your ideas about her looks and abilities to understand to yourself...to be honest, i think she's beautiful, and she is the only one that does understand..."the only thing more precious than life is the person you choose to live it with"...he was right, and i chose tori, not you...

16 = | +


:: 2003 7 November :: 7.43 pm

hmm....i'm asking her as soon as we finish this part of our conversation....i can't...i can't ask her....this is so much more important...

1 = | +


:: 2003 6 November :: 10.28 am

NOOOO!!!! I JUST WROTE A HUGE ENTRY AND THE COMPUTER DELETED IT!!! stupid thing *kicks it*. yeah, XP has alot of glitches...well, i need to take a shower....fair well chidlets....

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:: 2003 6 November :: 1.44 am
:: Mood: tired/ happy
:: Music: unplugged NIrivana album in the background.

i'm so hopelessly in , love...
i'm happy, but worried...i worry that she hates me for some reason.....what am i thinking? she loves me...maybe i'll go find a flower, yeah, a flower, in the middle of fucking winter, right...yeah, whatever...love you tori, g'night. i love all of you....OH!!! TORI!!! YOUR MOM IS THE ONE I FOUND! SHE'S A MOM THAT DOESN'T THINK I'M CUTE!!!i don't think...lol. g'night.

1 = | +


:: 2003 6 November :: 1.09 am
:: Music: the man who sold the world, Nirvana, here without you, three doors down.

life is so great....such a blessing...
no. no you weren't. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!! I BLEW UP RIGHT THERE AND NOW SHE'S PISSED AT ME!!!fuck.....what am i to do? god damnit! god motherfucking damnit!! maybe i am just another sequel.........i'm reminded of a quote"i sold my fate to the devil so i could be with her for eternity only to realize just how angelic she really is"-irina's second boyfriend, mark. i don't love her, i'm long since over that. it was the sixth grade for god's sakes, but it still, for some reason hurts...well, g'night loves. tomorrow i feel will go better...sleep well my love, and sweet dreams, and i'm sorry, oh so sorry....i'll try never to do it again....never again, the words that almost killed a very dear friend of mine.........though they were ment with a different meaning, they still make me cringe. hmm.....i want to be all snuggled up with tori right now, why? because i was so weak i couldn't hold myself for just a few more minutes, and then i would have been offline and blown up in a safe enviorment..."what fi you really do do something bad?"...or how about this? "-talks to self- what am i supposed to do? nothing-"i can't finish typing it...>i think she ment it<...i thought she stabbed you? she did. you don't exist. ha! she killed you at mandy's house!!! and she killed you on holloween and just today, she stabbed you withthe spoon of temptation (does that mean it was sexy?) well, good times, good times, well, if she does go prep, i'll just stay away for a while, until she comes back from realizing that's not her...it's what she wants, i can sence it, and maybe she does belong there, in which case, i think i can stand to be out of place for a while...for eternity...but her arms are right....but tori's arms are not the arms of some stupid popular preppy chic that pisses me off more than most things...i've been in them before... what you can't see is the name i typed inside these thingys "<" ">"...so yeah, happy loving times...oh yeah, today they played that song, here without you by three doors down, and i went back to friday and relived it,a nd when the song was done i lost my connection with the past, and i fell flat on my face...it was funny as hell...it seems strange the radio plays the perfect song for the perfect time at morgans house on fridays...white flag that friday at morgans house, and here without you at morgans house again on that friday...so yeah. *studders like porky pig* that's all folks!!!

8 = | +


:: 2003 6 November :: 12.22 am
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: today, smashing pumpkins

life is better
sorry about that, i'm all better now, it happens randomly..............i think machelle will fix it for me. (she's my councilor) i think i can trust her....i hope. don't worry, i won't say anything about anything i know you don't want her to hear. so yeah.....*skitters off to talk on AIM*....today is the greates day i've ever known, can't live for tomorrow, tomorrows much to long *sings rest of song*...

3 = | +


:: 2003 4 November :: 3.23 pm
:: Mood: infuriated/violent

THAT LITTLE BASTARD, IF I HAD A GUN, I WOULD A' SHOT HIS BALLS OFF!!! no, but i'm serious, he acted like we were making out or something...really....putting an arm around her is very innocent and he's all fucking crazy about it....well he wasn't, but he doesn't have a legitimate reason...i mean, they have two things they say...well....three.....but the first is that it gets in the way of learning (we were in the bus line), the second is it makes people "undcomfortable", the third is that when girls feel violated or uncomfortable in a position with a boy of high status they tend not to say anything and i told tori if i moved too fast just to say something. and besides, she's pretty good about that kind of stuff, i mean, she speaks up when something i do pisses her off. so yeah, holding hands and putting ones arm around her is really quite innocent, and in a society where alot of the time a first date for someone is a first time "in bed" as well, no one is getting uncomfortable with that. and besides...IT'S OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!!! IF IT FUCKING PISSES YOU OFF THAT I'M HUGGING HER, YOU CAN LOOK AWAY!!! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS, EVEN IF YOU FALL WITNESS TO IT, IT'S STILL OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! so, anyone else wanna tear me away from tori...go ahead, make my day.

2 = | +


:: 2003 3 November :: 9.37 pm

You're the DEATH


please copy the following code, and add it to your weblog or otherwhere...




this is my way to live

What about yours?
made by rav-chan




You don't wanna kill yourself?
take the quiz again

and the other results?
here you are:
the FUN
the BLIND
the POEM
the ENCYCLOPEDIA
the SUGAR

but you won't cheat, eh? ^-~



"Which Life Stage Are You?" - Results:

Depression
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Depression
Depression


Which Life Stage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


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same thing as tori...

4 = | +


:: 2003 3 November :: 2.15 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Tears in heaven (my dad taught me that today)

humanity slipping away...
i would have kissed her... " i waited all day to talk to you, i'm not going to bed now"...-smiles- she is so awesome...i love her so much........god, i never thought i would be capable of this. g'night all of you. Keep your lights on.

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:: 2003 3 November :: 1.38 am

Name: Paul D. Mahugh II
You will conquer: the United States of America (and make if illegal for Jay Leno and Conan Obrien to make fun of you).
Your title will be: Overlord
You will succeed by: Cloning an army of mad cows.
Your Enforcers will be: Street Judges (from Judge Dread).
Your first act as ruler: Contract Vampirism (undead live forever).

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:: 2003 2 November :: 2.08 pm

we are no longer individuals. there is some mental or spiritual connection that is there. some unseen bond. she's like my daemon. she's me, i'm her. no longer is anything i do for me and only me. it's for her too. it affects her in some way or form. it all makes so much sence some how.

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:: 2003 2 November :: 1.53 pm
:: Mood: tired

CALL!!!
tori, i'll give you till noon. if you wake up before then, call me.

3 = | +


:: 2003 2 November :: 11.49 am

I'm such a moron.i walked into the bethroom this morninng and when i saw the snow out the window i yelled,"hey tori, look, it's snowing!" i wonder if anybody heard me...how am i going to phrase this without my parents freaking out? no idea...i want to take tori ou and abouttoday, but my mom is a little freaky about that after my sister....

3 = | +

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