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godessalthena

:: 2011 24 December :: 4.06pm

In a horrid mood today. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be home alone. It was snowing, but turned to rain so the drive home? Icy as fuck.

I'm just ready for it to be the 27th. Or the 31st, but I am so over this holiday season. I'm lucky so far that no one wished me a "merry christmas" yet. Blah.

On the bright side I finished my presents for my family. Hopefully they like them.. Sometimes I feel like what I make is just like.. "meh" to them, even tho I put a lot of time into it.

Sigh

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godessalthena

:: 2011 22 December :: 6.29pm

I'm so angry. And lonely. I just want it to be next week.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 21 December :: 1.52pm

It's pretty lonely here :/

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godessalthena

:: 2011 8 December :: 3.09pm

Bjorne seems to be all better, vet said he looks fine, they are doing some tests to check for parasites. He's vaccinated! And yeah.. Crisis averted! :)

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godessalthena

:: 2011 6 December :: 2.14pm

Bjorne is sick :( I haven't seen him eat or drink for at least a day and he threw up bile 3 times this morning.. Going to the vet on Thursday. I hope he's ok. :(

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godessalthena

:: 2011 3 December :: 2.34pm

Girls don't like boys
I haven't spent any real intimate time with a woman since me and Liv broke up. I miss being around girls a whole bunch and I find it next to impossible to meet anyone or find someone who I make a connection with. I don't know what it is, but it's hella annoying.

I'm trying to find a cocktiel pattern to make for my sister. I found a really good one, but I'm not sure if I want to buy it. It's not very expensive, I'm just trying to figure out if I'll use it again. Tho, it could be easily adapted to turn into other birds.. So maybe I will!

Bjorne is so cute :3 he just makes my life with his cuteness! I love him to pieces <3

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godessalthena

:: 2011 28 November :: 2.53am

I've started crocheting amigurumi things. It makes me so happy and I feel so accomplished when I finish a piece and it doesnt look like amature night :)

Samie is a new girl at work. She's so happy and bubbly and positive. It helps me feel better about the stupid crap. I know we aren't technically friends, and probably never will be, but it's nice to have an upbeat influence in my life.

Really not looking forward to Xmas. Sus will be gone and all my friends live too far away.. It'll mostly be me n Bjorne and that makes me sad. I'll miss Sus :(

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 28 November :: 4.38am

I am thinking too hard about this...
So I need to write an essay for PT school, well, two actually and I think I've been thinking too long and too hard about them... I just need to write.

Essay 1:
If you have applied to a physical therapy program in the past five years, what have you done to improve upon or enhance your application for this current admissions cycle?

When I finally decided I for sure wanted to become a physical therapist, I knew I would do whatever it took to make it happen. Even if that included moving across the country with nothing but the clothes from my closet and the little money I had in savings. I made a decision this drastic because I wanted to go about a different way of pursuing my dream. I figured if I moved to the city where I wanted to go to school, I could better understand what it would take for me to get there.
When I first got here, I knew my first order of business was to look for a job in my field, whether that be as a physical therapy tech or even as a receptionist in a physical therapy office somewhere. I just knew it was important for me to get my foot in the door. Thankfully, I got a job as a physical therapy tech at a small out patient clinic. Even though I'd volunteered and job shadowed before, being employed gave me a little more freedom. For example, I was allowed to guide patients through their exercises, instead of just having to watch the therapist. Working at this small clinic for only a few months really only gave me a tiny insight into the world of physical therapy. I left the clinic wanting to know about physical therapy and wanting to continue pursuing my ultimate dream, to become a physical therapist. I knew in order to do this, I had to get my name known throughout the network of clinics that were associated with the university I wanted to attend, which happens to be University of Pittsburgh.
I ended up taking a job as a physical therapy tech at one of the larger UMPC rehabilitation clinics. Since taking the job there back in February, I have broadened my horizons as a potential physical therapist by not only working with orthopedics, but also working with different specialties, such as sports, neurology, women's health, lymphodema and even helped a little with occupational therapy. During my employment at this clinic, I have been taking every opportunity I can to learn as much as I can, not only about being a physical therapist, but about how a practice in itself is run.
I look forward to continuing my journey to become a physical therapist. While some people may think my decision to move drastic and unnecessary, I think of it as another step towards my goal. Because of the move I made, I am more determined now than ever to keep going until I become a physical therapist. It is this determination that has improved me and enhanced me since the last time I applied to physical therapy schools two years ago.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.52pm

Really? Sometimes all I can do is shake my head.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 17 November :: 8.50pm

Fuck me red
Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

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godessalthena

:: 2011 15 November :: 2.26am

After a horrible start, my day turned out pretty good! I cried on the way to work and by the time I left I was laughing and feeling optimistic.

I'm going to work on doing things for me. Like doing my hair and make up. The little things that make me feel better when I take the time to do it. :)

I can do this

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godessalthena

:: 2011 13 November :: 11.04pm

Going home early from work because I just can't sit here anymore.

The more I look at other people the more inadequate I feel.
I'm ashamed to be me. I'm so boring. Uneventful. Plain.

Feel like icky plain yogurt with no sprinkles or anything.

I feel ugly and obese.

TSUMARANAI.

I'm just so disappointed and disillusioned.
I'm tired and depressed.

All these people at work. They love purses, make up, babies, getting their nails done, etc. And I'm such an outcast. I feel so pressured to be something I'm not. It's a mindfuck. Everyone thinks I should have a baby. Or get a new boyfriend who will want a baby. Or get married. And I don't want any of those things.

I'm so exhausted by all of it.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 6 November :: 5.12pm

We can't give up. Ever.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 6 November :: 1.17pm

I'm so fucking sick of all these fake assholes that call themselves my "friends"

All they do is ignore me when I need help and the nit pick everything just to piss me off.

I'm tired of always being there for people who can't even give me the time of day.
I'm sick of missing people who don't miss me.
I'm done with trying to make new "friends".

I really just wish I could destroy shit right now. Just tear something to pieces and watch it burn.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 5 November :: 2.25pm

I have lost 6 pounds. I haven't been consciously trying to lose weight. Though I really need to get the weight off.

I'm so happy and proud of myself! It's a small step, but it's a step none the less. And the fact that I haven't been trying makes it more sustainable than hardcore dieting. :)

Things are really looking up! Sus starts his testing, I have a nice car for winter, I have a wonderful puppy, I've greatly reduced my drinking.. :)

Go me!

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godessalthena

:: 2011 2 November :: 6.50pm

I want to visit Alaska :(

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godessalthena

:: 2011 29 October :: 1.14pm

Low low low
Im feeling very discouraged today. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Things never go as planned.

I went to a house party last night. I only knew the host and her boyfriend. Needless to say I was a complete outcast. It reminded me a lot of work. I go, smile and nod at the people talking and then go home to watch star trek. I enjoyed being around others, but I never have anything interesting to say, no stories to tell.. I felt like a total loser. Also, being the biggest girl there and the only one without a costume also put me in my own circle. Basically I was the fat kid at school that everyone ignores because being fat somehow equates to being mentally handicapped or diseased.

I just want to feel like part of the group. I used to take a lot of pride in being different.. But that's when I had friends who were different too. Now I just have acquaintances who put up with me because they get something they want out of me being around - showing off their "bisexuality" to attract men, ego boosts, free booze or other party favors. I'm tired of just being needed for what I can get other people, not for being an enjoyable part of someone's existence.

Also I found out that thanks to hurricane Irene we probably won't be getting bonuses this year. And prolly minor raises if any. Yay.

I have no idea what I have to look forward to anymore.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 25 October :: 8.50pm

Starting to look at rental houses :3 oh the excitement :3

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 23 October :: 2.23pm

It's been
3 weeks... can't I just move on already? Why is this so damn hard?

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godessalthena

:: 2011 21 October :: 3.39pm

Movie mania this weekend :) 50/50 with Peter and The Thing with Sus! Sooo excited :3

I need a haircut.. What I really want is to get extensions! I am so impatient in growing it out.. My hair grows SO slowly..

Finished making my skittles vodka last night. They aren't as delicious as I had hoped for but they were a fun adventure! I think I'll be experimenting with infusions in the future :3

I absolutely LOVE my new car! It's a V6 so I can actually get up hills and catch up to highway speeds in a reasonable amount of time. It's silly, but I feel like I'm driving a charger or something. Haha

Things are looking very up right now. Sus tells me I have nothing to complain about anymore haha. I've got my puppy, an awesome car, my bills paid.. Things are actually not so bad :)

Now to just get Sus into school and we'll be golden!

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 21 October :: 4.34pm

You can become new again. All it takes is a little elbow grease. It may be an ugly process, you may get scars, you may get bruises, you may want to give up.

But the end result is truly worth it.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 19 October :: 10.32pm

I am so tired of struggling alone.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 19 October :: 6.22pm

New car.. New winter coat.. Better relationship with my family.. Today is a good day :D

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godessalthena

:: 2011 17 October :: 11.44pm

It's days like today I wonder why the fuck I even bother.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 15 October :: 4.47pm

I think it's a bad sign when saying good bye feels like a weight has been lifted.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 13 October :: 7.48am

We're just going to let it be.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 8 October :: 5.01pm

In retrospect.. I'm not really sure who was getting shafted in that relationship.

And honestly it isn't important I guess... But I don't understand why it hurts more now than it did then.

I feel so worthless compared to all the people who've left my life. I know I shouldn't base my self-worth on the success of others.. But for once I'm starting to believe that I'm really not better than anyone else.

I know I am marginally successful. And I know that some of my failures aren't necessarily my fault. But I can't help but feel like this is the best I'll ever achieve and it makes me wonder what's the purpose of existing? I'll never be happier than I am right now. I'll never be more successful.

I have an interview with Liberty Mutual in Redmond, WA on Wesnesday. I'm consumed with a desire to get back there. But.. Yesterday I exchanged emails with my dad and spoke to Sus about it.. And now I'm not sure if this is the best choice. On one hand I love Seattle and how much there is to do, the weather.. But on the other hand I don't have any friends there anymore. I don't have school to help me meet people. If something happened between Sus and I, what would I do? Where would I go? I think moving back would help us be happier, thus making our relationship better, but you never know.. Then there's also the logistics of moving. We'd need to find a big enough place for the right price, hire movers, break our current lease or find someone to take the lease over.. I'd need to get my car in running order since it'll be a commute to get to Redmond.. Sus told me he isn't ready to move.. Since school will have less distractions over here..

I'm just all kinds of confused and I just wish I had some answers and guidance. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I have no clue what I'm doing.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 6 October :: 2.47pm

How would my life be if something had for once just turned put how I meant it to..?

Would I still hurt? Would I be happy?

I just wish I could know what it felt like to have something go as planned... To succeed.

...


My brother wrote me a letter.. I'm going to read it next Thursday with my parents.. I'm terrified.

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godessalthena

:: 2011 5 October :: 8.19pm

34 BMI
240 lbs

I just did 20 mins of rowing with 25lbs of resistance. I had to stop because my hands are cramping. I barely feel like it accomplished anything.

I'm feeling like a complete loser. A fat, worthless, stupid loser. And I'm sure many people will agree with me.

Honestly I feel like I'll always be a fat stupid loser. I'm nothing to be proud of. I quit everything I start before I finish. I'm worthless.

I just wish for once I had the support I needed. The help I needed. The drive I needed. But I won't because I'm what's standing in my way and I have no fucking clue how to get out of it.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 4 October :: 8.21am

It's always dangerous when someone tells you they love you.

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