In a stone world..
It's been a while since a real update.. I've had a real armor for sleep love revival. Tho I'm less emo than when I first heard them.. They still make a big impression on me.

I've been down. I don't know what it is but I keep having nightmares about myfamily. And it's not like them dying but like them molesting eachother, lying or hating me.. Where I am in some way alienated from them. And they make it hard for me to get any rest. I think it's because of my intentions to sever themfrom my life offically. It makes me so nervous and I can't think of what words to say. I want to speak from my heart but what comes out is always simple and sounds childish.. Maybe it's the little abandoned me trying to finally get vindication for a ruined childhood.

It's a pity that something that's supposed to be so amazing and unique can be so messed up so easily by those who are supposed to make it worthwhile..

I've noticed a distinct lack of meaningful relationships in ky life. I have Sus. And he is amazing.. But other than that I feel like my other relationships are so superficial. I want a deep and raw relationship where I can speak freely without fear of hurting the other person. I miss my relatioahip with Brooke because no matter how bitchy we sounded we still remained friends through all that. And then it got all fucked up. Everyone else is busy in their own lives and have no time for me. I have this constant need to feel important to everyone and the longer I live the less and less important I feel..

Andthe sad thing about that is it makes me wish I could believe in god so I could feel like despite what everyone else does in my life there is still one being who still loves me. But I know he doesn't exist. His obvious and painful absense in my life is all the proof I think I can handle.. Realizing how utterly singular and lonely the human experience is depressing and consumingly disappointing.

When I was young I used to believe that growing up and falling in love would be a magically unifying experience where two people would become one and their lives would be shared in this incredile way that would get rid of the utter uniqueness of an individual's life. And I fell in love and I didn't happen.. So I tried again.. Gt closer for a bit but still I ended up irrevokably lonely with him. Then I tried a third time and this is the closest I've come to being joined to anoher's experience, but I'm also realizing that my dream as a little kid is an impossible one. No two lives can be intertwined they way I imagined it and now.. Now I'm understanding hatthe loneliness and abandoned feelings that have been burned into my psyche from childhood are to be a permanent fixture in my life.. At one point I would have thought this as a beautiful pain, but now I just see it as a horrid scar I wish I never recieved. I hate my family for inflicting this on me. I hate my schoolmates for helping. I hate the world for letting it be like this. I hate God for not protecting me.

My whole life seems miserably unfair and replusively disappointed. Besides a few and oh so brief periods, my life has been buried deep in putrid dark. And I have just been digging the whole deeper until recently.. The medicine helps a lot. So much that I can no longer handle feeling depressed anymore. In some ways I feel like my mental stablilty has diminished somewhat when I am no medicated.. Bu I also think that in general I am so much happie almost all the time the normal lows I've always had seem so much worse because I don't live in that constant state. And it makes me very happy to know that I can acutally be happy.

I need to work on being more independent. I'm so dependent on what others think I've lost a part of me that was why people liked me in the first place. My life since moving home has been such a wretched adventure. Words can't express how much moving back has ruined any progress I've made in my life. All the improvements I had made throuh Kirk and the start of with Sus has been erased by my proximity to my family. And my credit is a little worse. And I now have no real relationship wihy family. I've lost most of my friends and I (was) more depressed Than I had ever been. I'm slowly working at undoing this damage but it's been difficult, long and uphill.. I feel like sessifus pushing the rock.. And never getting anywhere.

But that's how it's always been.. And may always be.. Bu I have many years left to see how it all pans out.

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