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:: 2018 6 March :: 10.18pm

Shit is too hard sometimes
Other people are challenging
I don't like feeling like an asshole and I don't like making the people I love out to be them
It is PTSD I have been diagnosed with it by every doctor I've seen
I know bad things happened too you too, but your triggers aren't being in a relationship and men who look a certain way

Not that one person's trauma is worse than the others, I guess I just can simply say I'm doing the best I can, I do have a hard time communicating but that is also a two way street.

I said I wouldn't be easy. And I said it's ok to leave if it's too hard. I still say the same thing. I just also know I am a good kind hearted person and I do always try to do what's right and what's in everyone's best interest (even at the cost of myself). I just sometimes lose my mind and can't handle being a human being.

I am hoping a large part of the problems are from stress due to depression and winter and work. I need something new and exciting.

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.41am

Found an Xmas pic of you. You still look like a hideous monster.

I feel left behind.. not sure by who or what. I feel like I'm out of time,out of phase, shifting to the blue spectrum with high frequency panic electricity in my veins.

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.38am

0049. THE FCC STOLE MY WALLET AND KIDNAPPED MY SISTER

Unless my brain is foreign, I think most censorshipped radio's boring. And who claims that orange doesn't rhyme? I'm chilling right here with David Lawrence. It's Online Tonight, they wanna wind up fights for free speech, broadcast as far as they can reach. It's a swell day, let's see what they'll say when I'm dialed up live, Toronto to LA. But look what's come up with that Janet Jackson - FCC with $5,000 infractions. We got a plan of action.

FCC cracking down to burn Bubba the Love Sponge and also Howard Stern. Oh dear, man overboard at Clear Channel. What dorks and weird panel of analysts decides what to battle with? The whole thing's just a waste of time, and I hope I don't see anybody paying the fine. I'll fight this 'til I'm old and washed up, and I'm sure right beside me will be Lily Von Schtupp. What's up? Censorship? Not for long. Is someone gonna step to me and try to stop this song? It's cool to protect our children; I've got no qualms. So maybe the president should stop dropping bombs.

:: 2018 2 March :: 5.43pm

My timing is so fucking wretched

:: 2018 24 February :: 11.08am

After some tears and a few fits I got my files taxes

I just fucking hate all this fucking bullshit they take my money and I have to request they give it back to me in an overly complicated transaction.

Bleh.

:: 2018 23 February :: 9.41am

White coffee is one of my favorite things

:: 2018 22 February :: 10.16pm

maybe I'm looking for something I can't have...

every song coming on YouTube feels so significant right now. I hate having these stupid fights over nothing. I hate feeling trapped but paralyzed by social anxiety. I have such a hard time making it into a friendship after the first part.

I need to do something with myself I'm losing my God damned mind but nothing sounds like it would be interesting... And cheap. Ugh.

:: 2018 20 February :: 12.11pm

It's a lonely world, I know
Gonna get a lonely girl that's for sure

Knowing I hurt you

:: 2018 19 February :: 2.06pm

There's always going to be an excuse for you to not come over to my house.

Always.

So no matter how much or often I tell you it hurts my feelings, it's never ever going to change.

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't taken a chance. So I could just be alone and lonely. And I wouldn't have to feel bad about everything because I'm not over my trauma and I'll never be normal.

I'm not worth this.

:: 2018 15 February :: 6.52am

When all you can think about is how lonely you feel

When all you can think about is how lonely every family must feel after losing a child

Or how lonely the best friends of those children feel

Or how lonely the dead children feel

How lonely the world feels

:: 2018 13 February :: 9.42am

Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.

I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.

I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?

I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?

What is even beautiful for a life?

:: 2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money

When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money

You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money

:: 2018 5 February :: 4.02pm

I have a very difficult time relating to people who love life

What do you mean you don't want it to end? That's the only part i am looking forward to...

:: 2018 3 February :: 11.40am

I find the face of a woman very comforting

I miss many faces I used to know

But I'm very happy about the faces still in my life

And hopefully I can help them smile once in a while

:: 2018 28 January :: 10.51am

I just want to feel loved

How do you keep.gping when all you are at the end of the day is a number

:: 2018 26 January :: 11.59pm

I've been dying to reach you... But my extension cord doesn't reach that far.

There's just no fighting the sadness

:: 2018 26 January :: 11.21pm

I wish I was anything but white

:: 2018 26 January :: 9.47pm

Would we even really care cuz the world has ended?

:: 2018 26 January :: 7.18am

What do you do when someone doesn't think people give them a chance when it's really them not giving anyone else a chance?

Idk. Life is way more challenging than I ever dreamed it would be.

:: 2018 22 January :: 6.49pm

Big birthday plans for a special work friend

I'm kinda hoping she's kinda underwhelmed with the stuff and then when she comes back she's hella surprised!!

But I didn't want ta make her too sad that we "forgot" her birthday so I'm bringing french macarons and we got her a beautiful card and some flowers... Then on Wednesday she'll have 12 rainbow balloons 2 unicorn balloons and a desk covered in streamers and confetti!

I don't usually go too far out, but we always kinda forget her birthday when she always goes all out for our birthdays... I love her so much, and her family doesn't appreciate her like they should! So I want her to feel appreciated at least once this year!!

:: 2018 10 January :: 7.31pm

Watching the land before time, not even 10 minutes in and I'm all ready bawling

Brings back a flood of memories... What would my life be like if all that stuff never happened to me... Who would I be without little foot?

The sense of loss is definable now, back then I resonated so strongly with this movie.. growing up way too fast, but never losing the kindness inside.

Now I'm a hedgehog, prickly with you get too close. I'm hard to hold and even more difficult to grab onto

Impossible to keep close...

I just wish I could go back and do it over again without everything else. I don't think I would be very different. Maybe I'd just be better.

:: 2018 10 January :: 6.47pm

feeling small and a million miles away

I just want to shrink until I cease to exist

The thickest dirt and the darkest mud
Deepest charcoal soot and dirt
Mix up the ashes until I disappear

No warrior no Amazon no savior
Just weak and pathetic
Minimalist imprints breathless walking

Leave me behind and forget
I am gone

:: 2018 10 January :: 7.53am

I've been sleeping a lot lately, but not the nice restful kind, rather the kind where you just spin all night then wake up 2 hours early and can't get back to sleep.

I'm sad today. I just want to hide under a rock and pretend I don't exist. Hopefully I get an early out today.

My last check was $200 short, which hurt a little, but it's nice not having to worry about rent or a car payment. What are student loans going to do? Rape me and steal my dog? Well maybe with this new president.... Should I worry? Haha

But 2 appointments with my therapist costs about $200 and having so much time away from work has really helped my mental health lately. More than seeing my therapist, so I'll take the loss and mark it as a win.

I just have to say, after spending close to $500 on gifts for my sweetie for Xmas if he doesn't get me a good damned bathrobe for a super late gift I'm going to he so mad.

:: 2018 2 January :: 8.46am

I hate feeling like a conspiracy theorist but the older I get the harder it is to ignore that every problem in America was and is manufactured by the government/the wealthy to keep the masses controlled, weak and leached of any resources.

:: 2017 31 December :: 8.28am

there ain't nothing better than blowing smoke screens into sunbeams on a lazy weekend morning

:: 2017 30 December :: 7.34am

Discovering my dairy allergy has been the single most depressing thing that has happened to me in a while.

I miss cheese. And eating food like a normal human being. I miss not waking up to a nuclear holocaust in my GI tract for having some cheese & cream sauce.

I miss cream cheese on bagels
I miss cheese bagels
I miss food.

:: 2017 18 December :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: pensive

Freedom is what you do with what is done to you.

:: 2017 18 December :: 10.59am

When I say the bridge is burned it stays fucking burned

When I say things are over they are over.

If you all want to waste your time worrying about what I'm doing, help yourself, but I don't give a fuck about you or what you think.

Leave me the fuck alone.

:: 2017 3 December :: 12.58am

You insist I stay home when you go out to have fun

Makes me feel like I'm the secret

:: 2017 2 December :: 9.48am

when the puzzle is made of squares and you are a hideously deformed circle piece

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